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Shake It Up: Alternative Meeting Strategies

2008-06-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

by Cyrus Farivar
Is your meeting style a good match for the needs of your team? What kind of rapport or atmosphere do you want to create? If your meetings aren't getting the results you want, take a tip from experienced companies that have developed clever ways to bring people together. Here are five creative and effective meeting techniques, ranging from short stand-ups gatherings to conversations that take place in a three-dimensional online world.

Ritz-Carlton
Meeting Technique: Start each shift with short stand-up meetings
Pros: Quickly disseminates critical information
Cons: Not long enough to go in-depth on any subject
At each of its luxury hotels around the world, Ritz-Carlton holds a 15-minute stand-up meeting at the beginning of every eight-hour shift. The company uses these "line-ups" as a way to reinforce corporate values, to inform employees of new products and services that Ritz-Carlton may be introducing, and to communicate breaking news. When Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast region in 2005, the company was able to tell each of its 34,000 employees within 24 hours what had happened to the branch in New Orleans and how they could contribute to relief efforts.
On a day-to-day basis, department heads like Richard Arnoldi, executive chef at the Ritz-Carlton Washington, D.C., use the line-up meeting as a way to fine tune customer service. Arnoldi reminds his culinary team of food items that repeat and VIP customers prefer: vegan cuisine, certain vintages of wine, or even comfort foods. "If someone likes Butterscotch Tastykakes, we'll move heaven and earth to make sure that we have Butterscotch Tastykakes on hand when they arrive," he says.

Wal-Mart
Meeting Technique: Get employees to meet during off-hours
Pros: Reinforces corporate loyalty
Cons: 7:30am? On a Saturday?
In the 1960s, when Wal-Mart was a young upstart, Sam Walton implemented a policy of one- to two-hour Saturday-morning strategy meetings that begin at 7:30 a.m. at the home office in Bentonville, Arkansas. Though the choice of time has shades of corporate hazing, the meeting has become a touchstone for Wal-Mart's management-level employees. Today, more than 1,000 members of the management team attend in person, along with regional managers from around the country who dial in or link via videoconference. Wal-Mart says that meeting early on the weekend allows new business improvements to be implemented that same day, in some cases — just in time for the weekend shopping rush. "Improvements could be anything from the placement of merchandise to the way we handle freight to something customers are telling us we can do better," says Wal-Mart spokesman Dan Fogleman.

Yahoo!
Meeting Technique: Informal Friday meetings with cocktails and snacks
Pros: Promotes an open and relaxed environment
Cons: Booze consumption and group focus are inversely related
One business group inside Yahoo has an informal but strictly regular Friday afternoon meeting. Greg Arnold, the senior director of engineering in the Premium Services Infrastructure unit, which powers billing and payment processing, holds what he calls the "Friday Afternoon Club" every week. In an open aisle between cubicles, 80 employees gather over beer, wine, and snacks. For 20 to 30 minutes they discuss the current status of projects, how to take advantage of business challenges and opportunities, and what the unit should be looking forward to in the future. "This is a forum where you're trying to get people to connect," he says. "You want it to be more interactive and personal, and you don't want to pull people into a conference room."
"We have a fairly regular script that keeps the meeting focused and productive," Arnold adds. He begins by welcoming new hires, then introduces presentations from guest speakers, gives a review of significant events from the prior week, identifies upcoming events, and closes by asking for special announcements. Afterwards, he says, employees are welcome to hang around and socialize with coworkers — and they often do.

Old Navy
Meeting Technique: Gather for ad-hoc chats in a lounge environment
Pros: Provides face time between departments when they need it most
Cons: Don't get too comfy on that couch
In Old Navy's new corporate headquarters in the Mission Bay district of San Francisco, the company's merchants and clothing designers keep offices on opposite sides of the building. While the two teams don't work together on a regular basis, they require the ability to coordinate their efforts when needed. To nurture this, three floors of the building are linked by large hallways — imagine the middle section of the letter "H" — that bridge the two sides. The hallways, or "Link Living Rooms" as they're called, contain sofas, coffee tables, and WiFi, and they allow merchants and designers to have ad-hoc, one-on-one meetings in a comfortable space that's convenient for both sides.

Linden Lab
Meeting Technique: Meet coworkers in a virtual environment
Pros: Allows for gestures and modes of communication that are not possible in a conference call
Cons: Requires familiarity with virtual environments and a fast Internet connection
Not surprisingly, some meetings at software-development firm Linden Lab are held within the company's 3-D online world, Second Life. Jeska Dzwigalski, a community developer at Linden Lab, holds many of her meetings with the online community in-game, which allows her to interact with coworkers and "residents" alike. Whereas long-distance coworkers are invisible on a typical conference call, Linden Lab employees can use their on-screen "avatars" to gesture and express themselves across time zones. "Having that physicality adds to the conversation," Dzwigalski says.
While some managers complain that employees on a conference call are distracted by email and instant messages, Second Life capitalizes on different types of communication and encourages multiple conversations at the same time. For instance, Dzwigalski says that instead of turning to a coworker for a side conversation, in Second Life, she can simply send a private message that doesn't interrupt the rest of the meeting.

Firing and the Law

2008-06-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

by Jennifer Alsever
http://www.bnet.com/2403-13056_23-59303.html

Before letting someone go, it's important to understand the laws that protect workers from wrongful terminations. Be cautious before firing anyone, and consult an attorney if an employee or ex-employee so much as voices a complaint that he or she has been treated unlawfully in the workplace.
According to the seven lawyers we consulted, the following are the most important laws employers should know when thinking about firing a worker. A few simple rules apply in abiding all of them: treat everyone equally and fairly, document employee performance, and carefully follow company policies.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964
Also known as: Title VII
What the law says: Companies cannot discriminate against workers on the basis of race, religion, national origin, and gender. Various state and local laws also protect workers on the basis of sexual orientation and marital status.
What employers should know: Treat all employees the same and never allow special circumstances. For example, if company policy says that five unexcused absences results in termination, then all employees with five unexcused absences must be terminated.

The Age Discrimination in Employment Act
Also known as: ADEA
What the law says: Companies cannot discriminate against employees over age 40.
What employers should know: If a termination involves a severance package, workers over 40 get more time to review and rescind the offer. For individual severance packages, an over-40 worker gets 21 days to review the deal and seven days to rescind after accepting. For group layoffs, those older workers get 45 days to review and seven days to rescind.

The Americans with Disabilities Act
Also known as: ADA
What the law says: Companies cannot discriminate against employees on the basis of physical or mental disability.
What employers should know: Not every illness and disease necessarily qualifies as disability. The law says a disability must substantially limit major day-to-day activities, such as waking, sleeping, eating, or concentration. Still, people with disabilities are not exempt from losing their jobs for related reasons. For instance, a company can fire a worker if that person's condition causes them to be disruptive and violent in the workplace.

Retaliation Laws
Also known as: whistle-blower laws
What the law says: Companies cannot fire someone out of retaliation for lodging complaints of discrimination. Anti-retaliation statutes are included in many laws, including occupation safety laws and the federal Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, which says a person cannot lose their job because they report such problems as misconduct, illegal activity, unsafe conditions, or accounting irregularities.
What employers should know: If a worker has a complaint of wrongdoing, have your HR department do a thorough investigation of the accusation. Just because a worker reports such a problem doesn't mean an employer can't fire him for legitimate, documented reasons, such as failing to show up to work. But the closer in time the firing is to when the person filed the complaint, the more the firing looks like retaliation, and the bigger the legal problem the company might have.

Family Medical Leave Act
Also known as: FMLA
What the law says: Full-time employees with a year of service get 12 weeks of unpaid leave to deal with their own or a relative's serious health condition.
What employers should know: Employers cannot discharge a worker because she has taken FMLA leave or to prevent her from taking a leave. When she comes back to work, the worker must get her same position or an equivalent job. Just because a worker is on FMLA leave does not give him a greater right to a job than a person who is not. For example, a worker on leave can still get laid off if it's for good faith business reasons.

Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974
Also known as: ERISA
What the law says: Employers cannot suspend, discipline, fire, or discriminate against an employee to interfere with their rights to receive benefits from a 401(k) retirement plan, pension, severance package, healthcare plan, or long-term disability.
What employers should know: Just because a person loses their job and incidentally loses benefits, it doesn't spell legal trouble for an employer. But an employee can claim the company fired him specifically to keep him from attaining a plan benefit or in retaliation for exercising ERISA rights. For instance, a company will run into problems if it let someone go the day before he was to be fully vested in a 401(k) plan or if it fired a worker and the next day laid off his department but gave those workers severance packages. Check an employee's benefits before you terminate them, and once again, be sure there's a legitimate, documented business reason for letting them go.

Sources:
Paula Champagne, Margaret Hart Edwards, and Greg Keating at Littler Mendelson in San Francisco; Dean Schaner at Haynes and Boone LLP in Houston; Paul Mickey at Steptoe & Johnson LLP in Washington D.C.; Allegra Lawrence-Hardy at Sutherland Asbill & Brennan LLP in Atlanta; Lew Clark Jr. at Squire Sanders & Dempsey in Columbus, Ohio

Five Myths of Managing Up

2008-06-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Five Myths of Managing Up
by Geoffrey James

http://www.bnet.com/2403-13056_23-57173.html

Like just about everything else in the workplace, the conventional wisdom about how to manage the boss has evolved considerably in recent years. If you hope to climb the career ladder by impressing your boss, these are the new and revised rules of the road.

Myth #1: Always be in the office before your boss arrives.

Conventional wisdom:
If you're even five minutes late, the boss will think you're a slacker.
Why it's a myth:
In an age of flex time, telecommuting, Blackberries, and instant messages, bosses care more about whether you're getting the job done than whether you're warming your seat.
Try this instead:
Make sure the boss knows you're putting in extra hours at home or on the road, both by maintaining a rapid-response email or instant message presence, and by hinting at when you're putting in those extra hours.
Example:
"I had to work over the weekend on this report, but I think you'll agree the extra effort was worth it."

Myth #2: Ask for permission before bringing up difficult issues.

Conventional wisdom:
You want your boss to be in a good mood when you deliver bad news.
Why it's a myth:
Thanks to email and cell phones, word travels faster than ever. If you don't tell your boss the bad news, somebody else will, and then you'll look evasive or stupid—or both.
Try this instead:
Deliver bad news in the context of what you're doing to fix the situation or make it better.
Example:
"The Acme sale fell through, so we're launching a quick sales campaign with the other customers to make up the revenue loss."

Myth #3: Suggest ways to make the boss more popular with the team.

Conventional wisdom:
The boss will appreciate your efforts to improve morale and teamwork.
Why it's a myth:
If your boss is unpopular, there's very little you can do to change that perception.
Try this instead:
When boss-bashing takes place beyond his earshot, don't join the fray. Instead, give the boss credit for things he does well. When the department spy (there always is one) reports back to the boss, he'll learn that you're an ally.
Example:
"Yeah, Joe loses his temper sometimes. But he's really good at defending our interests in front of the budget committee."

Myth #4: Protect your boss from your underlings, and vice versa.

Conventional wisdom:
If your boss talks directly to your team members, information could be revealed that you'd rather keep under wraps.
Why it's a myth:
Attempting to control the flow of information inside today's wired-up corporations is utterly pointless.
Try this instead:
Cue your underlings to reinforce the message you're giving the boss.
Example:
"When the big boss asks what you're doing, be sure to point out how well you're supporting our group's quarterly sales goal. She likes that kind of thing."

Myth #5: Never say anything to the boss when you're angry.
Conventional wisdom:
If you're hot under the collar, you're likely to say things you'll later regret.
Why it's a myth:
Your emotions aren't the problem; the issue is how you express them.
Try this instead:
Don't lose your cool. When you're frustrated or angry, say so—but without blowing up or exploding. Avoid whiny complaining. Instead, focus on fixing the things you want to change, and ask for the boss's help in changing them.
Example:
"Okay, I understand we need to get the report done. But let's come up with a plan that doesn't involve everyone working over the holiday."

Self Confidence

2008-06-08T05:43:00.002-07:00

It’s a funny thing, confidence. Like money, we all feel at times that we could do with more of it and those who have plenty never give it a second thought. It’s an elusive feeling, one that evaporates under the spotlight of attention, but when you’ve got it, you feel you can do anything. What does ‘confidence’ mean?

By ’self-confidence’, people usually mean the feeling of knowing that things will go well. This immediately gives us an idea of why it can be such a problem - we cannot know the future!

Confidence in your own abilities

The essence of self confidence is having faith in your own abilities. Being able to trust that, whatever happens, you’ll be able to deal with it. Why is it then, that we spend most of our time imagining what things will be like when they go wrong, and seeing ourselves being embarrassed, humiliated or failing in some crushing way?

Self Preservation

One reason why we do this is to avoid danger to ourselves. Contingency planning is where you imagine what could happen, and make plans to deal with it. This is fine in business, government or project planning, but in many other situations, such as social occasions or presentations, the possibilities of ‘what might happen’ are far too numerous to deal with in this way.

Confidence, the myth

People often say things like “I can’t do that, I just don’t feel confident”. By this, they seem to mean one of the following. Either “The fact I feel under-confident is some kind of message that I shouldn’t be doing it” or “Before attempting anything new, I have to feel confident about it first.” Both of these leave us less likely to be able to tackle new situations in a comfortable way. As stated previously, what we need more is a sense of ‘whatever happens, it will be OK’.

Self Confidence can be learned

Another common idea about confidence is that you are either born with it, or not. Things you hear are “I’m just not a confident person” or “People who are super-confident are just lucky”. This is obviously untrue, as anyone knows who has seen a friend or colleague grow in confidence. Confidence is a way of approaching things, and it can be learned.

Catch 22?

Now obviously, what builds our confidence in the long-term is doing things that we are a bit scared of and surprising ourselves with our abilities. So is this a no-win situation? If we can’t do the things that we need to feel confident, how can we grow in confidence? Well, we can learn the strategies, approaches and thinking of confident people and, perhaps most importantly, how to mentally prepare ourselves for new or frightening events. Once we do this, it’s like rolling a snowball down a hill. The things that made us under-confident no longer do and we feel more able to tackle bigger things, which in turn raises our confidence levels.

What can I do to be more confident?

If you truly want to be more confident, you can learn how. How long it will take before you are as confident as you want to be depends on what stage you are at now. Very under-confident people are more likely to notice a difference most quickly when they learn how to be more confident. Those who need more confidence for particular situations only may only notice the difference when they go back into that situation.

Above all, to become more confident, we have to do something. It’s one thing thinking different, but that’s only one part of the picture

Low Self Esteem

2008-06-08T05:43:00.001-07:00

Low self esteem, a rope that binds; preventing us pursuing our dreams and enjoying simple things that ‘other people enjoy’. We talk of ‘self esteem issues’ and nod sagely to one another.

We use the words but do we examine what they really mean? You can’t hold self-esteem in your hand or take the kids to see it on a Sunday afternoon. So, what actually is self-esteem?

Self-esteem: A Definition

Many religions’ scriptures teach that pride and arrogance are terrible sins, the idea being that you can’t worship yourself and a god at the same time. Supposedly, if you are ‘full of yourself’ you have little space for anything or anyone else.

However, real self-esteem is not arrogance or self-love or vanity.

Real self-esteem consists of:

An appreciation of what we can do.

An honest respect for our own abilities, potentials and value.

Knowing our strengths and trusting in them.

An appreciation and open acceptance of our limitations.

An acceptance of these limitations whilst understanding that some limitations can be overcome.

A freedom from over-concern with what we imagine others think of us whilst accepting these perceptions do play a part in everyday life but do not determine who we are.

Having a strong sense of who we are.

Learning Self confidence

2008-06-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

Catch 22?

What can I do to be more confident?

Above all, to become more confident, we have to do something. It’s one thing thinking different, but that’s only one part of the picture.

How panic attacks spread

2008-06-08T05:39:00.001-07:00

For survival purposes, once we have ‘learned’ that a certain situation is dangerous by panicking, the mind ‘remembers’ this fact to ensure that the next time it sees a similar situation, it can give you the necessary anxiety or panic to enable you to run or fight, just like the woman in the story.

This is not the normal type of ‘remembering’ like remembering a name or telephone number, it is the sort that makes you feel good when you hear a particular piece of music, or feel happy when you look at holiday photos, or maybe feel a bit like a kid again when you walk into school as an adult.

‘Sloppy’ Unconscious pattern matching
We call this type of remembering ‘unconscious pattern matching’ because it is the ‘back part’ of your mind, the unconscious mind, that causes you to react in a certain way when it spots a particular situation or other ‘trigger’.

So if you have a panic attack in a car, you might feel anxious next time you are on a bus or train, because the situation is roughly similar. As far as survival goes, it is much better for us to ‘err on the side of caution’.

When a cliff becomes a gorge
The woman in the story above came to a cliff that roughly matched her terrifying experience in the gorge. She had ‘learned’ unconsciously that ‘high rock walls=danger’.

Despite the fact that she knew consciously that this was a different situation, her unconscious mind, looking out for her survival, ‘erred on the side of caution’ and gave her the necessary resources to get out of there fast.

What does this tell us about treatments for anxiety and panic attacks?
It tells us:

that we have to take into account the unconscious aspects when treating these problems.
that they are natural responses that can become habitual ones.
that this can look like a problem with body chemistry, but that this not true in the vast majority of cases.
that new skills, approaches and understandings can show us how to be calm again in situations that previously caused anxiety and panic.

The Secret Of Success

2008-06-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Success. Virtually everyone says they want to achieve it.
But most seldom do. What is the secret to attaining true
success? Everyone has their own definition of being
successful but there is one major secret that will decide
whether you succeed or fail tremendously in life if you
choose to follow it.More…

The major secret is to have laser sharp focus in whatever
you do. Successful individuals aren’t any smarter than
those who fail. They’ve learned that to succeed you must
have a clear cut target and focus all your time and energy
into achieving it.

The difference between the successful and those who fall
short of their dreams is the successful think like the
trained sniper. One shot .. One kill.

Those who are doomed to leading a life of quiet desperation
are using the shotgun approach. They have no clear cut
target and their efforts are scattered far and wide.
They’re just closing their eyes, pulling the trigger and
praying.

Your success is guaranteed when you develop laser sharp
focus. You then have the ability to focus on positive
uplifting thoughts and blocking negative destructive
thoughts.

Once you start focusing on what you want and where you
want to go, there is no limit to what you can achieve.

Those who fail do so because they’ve never learned to focus
on their dreams. They focus on what they don’t want. They
dissipate their energy focusing on their fears and the
reasons why they can‘t succeed.

Study the lives of great men throughout history and you’ll
find that the ability to focus all their energy on a goal
or idea was the major reason for their success. Failures on
the other hand lack the focus to accomplish anything of
consequence and curse fate.

If you’re serious about succeeding and living the life of
your dreams, try this exercise for the next thirty days. At
the end of the thirty days you’ll find you have a greater
sense of self worth. You’ll be taking a major step towards
developing the laser sharp focus necessary to make you a
success.

Before going to bed at night and in the morning upon
rising, repeat the following affirmation.

“I am going to choose my own thoughts, and to hold them as
long as I choose. I am going to shut out all thoughts that
weaken or interfere; that make me timid. My Will is as
strong as anyone else’s.”

You now know the secret to success. There are no more
excuses. Your success is in your hands.

Wishing You Success,
John Colanzi
http://www.johncolanzi.com

Getting to know ‘you’

2008-06-08T05:38:00.001-07:00

I was set up for a blind date once with a woman who described herself in a letter to me as ‘fun and bubbly!’ The way people describe themselves is sometimes rather sharply at odds with the way others see them, I find. I spent the whole of that date wondering where the writer of the letter had got to But that’s enough about me. What about you?

Do you know much about yourself? Or do you just think you do?

When you refer to your ’self’, do you mean the self that relaxes in front of the TV, the self that dreams at night, the self that gets angry, sexy, curious - or all of these combined? Do we all have multiple ’selves’ that get wheeled on and off again as circumstances require, obscuring a truer, more timeless ’self’, as the mystic G.I. Gurdjieff, for example, believed? And what about the ‘average person’?

We get ourselves wrong

The average person doesn’t think they are average. On average, people claim to be more disciplined, more idealistic, more socially skilled, a better driver, better at leadership and healthier than? the average person. Logically, this is impossible. The average person is not ‘above average’. Average and above average people also believe themselves to be worse in many of these areas than average. So low self-esteem is really just misperception. If you really are as bad as you think you are, then you are ahead of most people, because you really do know yourself.

How do you really know someone? How do you really know yourself? Would you eat your best friend if you had to?

How to really know someone

After you meet someone for the first time, you might tell me “Wow, they were nice!” and I would want to know: How do you know? Have you been shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island with them, had to go into battle and trust your life to them, had to share your wealth, or be sold into slavery with them?

The fact is you can’t know someone just from socializing with them. The closest bonds are forged in extreme circumstances. There will always be deeper and truer bonds between men who have fought in battle together, or between women who have survived against great odds, than the flimsy superficial associations that come from mere socialising. In extreme times the outer layers of self are peeled away and a truer self emerges. Connections with other people become more real. Team bonding isn’t just about drinking in the same bar.

But what has Plato got to do with all this?

Plato and you

Quite a long time ago the Athenian philosopher Plato (first known describer of the ‘platonic friendship’ between men and women - see beginning of article) famously told us, presumably in Greek, to: “Know thyself!” This injunction implied, of course, that most of us don’t and we really need to. Accurate self-knowledge is vital for real fulfillment. Since then hippies have gone to India to ‘find themselves’ without first checking behind the sofa. People go on ’self development’ courses. What are they developing, exactly, I wonder? Do they know, or are they just after the warm fuzzy feelings?

All right, let’s get to the crunch. Do people really perceive themselves accurately? On the whole? Look around at the people you know. What do you think? Naaaah! Of course they don’t. Let’s look at what people think they are like and what they are really like. Oh, and when I say ‘people’, I include myself.

Research Plato would have loved

Strong emotion always clouds perception and so distorts it. Self-perceptions of character and abilities are often filled with high doses of bias, misconceptions, and vanities - leading to high self esteem - or conditioned feelings of inadequacy - leading to low self esteem. People routinely and grossly over- and under-estimate their own honesty, aptitude, courage and attractiveness to others.

Researchers Mabe ,West and Dunning found that self-perception of ability and actual ability have a very low correlation. I already mentioned that the average driver believes they are above average drivers! Most people think they have an above average sense of humour (including me). More worryingly, family practitioners rating their knowledge of thyroid disorders failed to show any insight into their actual level of knowledge [1]. Other people can sometimes see our situation clearer than we can ourselves. College roommate ratings are better predictors of which romances will survive than self-impressions [2]. Peer ratings among junior doctors strongly predict who will do well on a surgical exam; self ratings do not [3].

We get other things wrong too.

Not listening to Plato

People over-predict the likelihood that they’ll perform generous, ethical and kind acts. They overestimate the odds they’ll buy a flower for charity, vote, maintain a successful romantic relationship, volunteer for an unpleasant lab experiment so a 10-year-old girl won’t have to, and cooperate with one another when money is at stake. People consistently mis-predict themselves even though they are roughly accurate in predicting how others will perform in these areas [4].

It seems it is easier to know others than to know ourselves. This is why it is so important to have honest and fair friends and to listen to them. It’s not that people are entirely wrong about themselves, but they tend to exaggerate their flaws or abilities. One of the roles of the court jester during the middle ages was to tell the King things about himself that others dared not. The rich and famous are often surrounded by people who never give them straight feedback about themselves, so they can turn into prima donnas and lose sight of themselves altogether.

We don’t like to see ourselves as greedy, cowardly or unkind, of course, but surely any course in true ’self development’ would need to provide a way of encouraging the participants to objectively observe these unacceptable parts of the self without tipping into self-chastisement, low self-esteem or self-congratulation? We need to know something before we can do something about it. Wouldn’t you rather know?

Bypassing self-esteem

To be more honest with ourselves we need to bypass the whole self-esteem question. If your self-esteem is the most important thing to you (and in our society you’d be forgiven for thinking it is the most important thing), then the need to feel good about yourself will always push you into defending your self-esteem, and thus warp how you actually see yourself. When we can a) spot our weaknesses and deficits and b) get to know them and know when they’ll arise and c) not be ruled by them, then we can start to develop real self confidence. Not the fake confidence based on refusing ever to look at ourselves and maintaining our self-deception.

The good old rationalisation

We use rationalisations all the time to explain away positively to ourselves and others why we did - or didn’t do - certain things. Rationalisations are biased creations of interpretation rather than the fruits of self-observation. Pompous people use rationalisations (and so do governments). Rationalisations can turn vice into virtue - for example, by describing lack of generosity as ‘being cruel to be kind’, or laziness as ‘thinking time’. Until we are clear about ourselves and what we are really like, we’ll go on repeating the same old mistakes and put it down to that other popular rationalisation ‘fate’, or ‘just my luck!’ When you know yourself more accurately you can be more effective and successful, as you won’t need to waste time and energy propping up your self-esteem though fabrication and self-deceit. Nor will you have to ‘work blind’, as you will know when fear, or selfishness, or whatever other weakness, is operating in you and allow for it, rather than pretending it isn’t there.

Of course, the ‘real you’, your ’self’, isn’t in an ashram in India or behind the sofa or on a retreat - it’s inside you right now. Possibly wrapped in layers of bias, habit, vanity, fear and conditioning - but it’s there!

References

[1] Tracey et al, 1997; ‘The validity of general practitioners’ self assessment of knowledge’. Cross sectional study. British Journal of Medicine, 315, 1426-1428

[2] MacDonald and Ross, 1999; ‘Accessing the accuracy of predictions about dating relationships: How and why do lovers’ predictions differ from those made by observers?’ Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25, 1417-1429.

[3] Risucci et al, 1989; ‘Ratings of surgical residents by self, supervisors and peers’. Surgical Gynecology and Obstetrics, 169,519-526

[4] Epley and Dunning, 2000, 2006; ‘Holier than thou: Are self-serving assessments produced by errors in self or social prediction?’ Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,79,861-875.

Public Speaking

2008-06-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

It’s 9am on a Monday morning. Public speaking couldn’t be further from your mind and your manager tells you have to do a presentation to fifty colleagues next week. What’s your response?

- Do you feel that public speaking is just part of the routine?
- Do you respond to the challenge and wonder how you can make your presentation compelling, informative and inspiring?

Or, like most people do you feel you would rather die than stand up and be judged by the hard unforgiving scrutiny of your fellow man and woman?

- Is it possible to be an average presenter and learn the skills to become an inspiring and entrancing speaker?
- Is it possible to be totally terrified of the mere thought of public speaking yet learn to relax and even enjoy it?

Without a doubt, the answer is YES!

Public Speaking on the Increase

It’s a cliche to say that we live in an information culture. But it’s true! Never before has so much information been so readily available. The rate of change and development is so fast that we have to work constantly to ?stay ahead of the game’

More than ever, people are having to present information to others as part of this constant up-dating. People are being increasingly called upon to present publicly their information to co-workers and other departments.

To get ahead, you have to present!

But how often are we taught how to present? There are 2 main areas of skill:

1) Skills of effective presenting; use of teaching aids, use of the voice, structure and so on.

2) Self-management; the ability to remain calm and composed in front of an audience.

Learning these skills make a huge difference not only to the quality of your public presentation but also to your enjoyment. Truly fantastic presenters are quite a rare commodity, but that’s only because most people never took the time to learn.

Being an excellent presenter will enhance your career, social life and your enjoyment of work in general.

Great presenters can transform almost any subject into one of interest or even inspiration. A friend once told me that the most entertaining and thought provoking presentation they ever saw was about print processing!

Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature

2008-06-08T05:36:00.001-07:00

Human nature is one of those things that everybody talks about but no one can define precisely. Every time we fall in love, fight with our spouse, get upset about the influx of immigrants into our country, or go to church, we are, in part, behaving as a human animal with our own unique evolved nature—human nature.

This means two things. First, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are produced not only by our individual experiences and environment in our own lifetime but also by what happened to our ancestors millions of years ago. Second, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are shared, to a large extent, by all men or women, despite seemingly large cultural differences.

Human behavior is a product both of our innate human nature and of our individual experience and environment. In this article, however, we emphasize biological influences on human behavior, because most social scientists explain human behavior as if evolution stops at the neck and as if our behavior is a product almost entirely of environment and socialization. In contrast, evolutionary psychologists see human nature as a collection of psychological adaptations that often operate beneath conscious thinking to solve problems of survival and reproduction by predisposing us to think or feel in certain ways. Our preference for sweets and fats is an evolved psychological mechanism. We do not consciously choose to like sweets and fats; they just taste good to us.

The implications of some of the ideas in this article may seem immoral, contrary to our ideals, or offensive. We state them because they are true, supported by documented scientific evidence. Like it or not, human nature is simply not politically correct.

Adapted from Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, by Alan S. Miller and Satoshi Kanazawa, to be published by Perigee in September 2007.

Men like blond bombshells (and women want to look like them)
Long before TV—in 15th- and 16th- century Italy, and possibly two millennia ago—women were dying their hair blond. A recent study shows that in Iran, where exposure to Western media and culture is limited, women are actually more concerned with their body image, and want to lose more weight, than their American counterparts. It is difficult to ascribe the preferences and desires of women in 15th-century Italy and 21st-century Iran to socialization by media.
Women’s desire to look like Barbie—young with small waist, large breasts, long blond hair, and blue eyes—is a direct, realistic, and sensible response to the desire of men to mate with women who look like her. There is evolutionary logic behind each of these features.
Men prefer young women in part because they tend to be healthier than older women. One accurate indicator of health is physical attractiveness; another is hair. Healthy women have lustrous, shiny hair, whereas the hair of sickly people loses its luster. Because hair grows slowly, shoulder-length hair reveals several years of a woman’s health status.
Men also have a universal preference for women with a low waist-to-hip ratio. They are healthier and more fertile than other women; they have an easier time conceiving a child and do so at earlier ages because they have larger amounts of essential reproductive hormones. Thus men are unconsciously seeking healthier and more fertile women when they seek women with small waists.
Until very recently, it was a mystery to evolutionary psychology why men prefer women with large breasts, since the size of a woman’s breasts has no relationship to her ability to lactate. But Harvard anthropologist Frank Marlowe contends that larger, and hence heavier, breasts sag more conspicuously with age than do smaller breasts. Thus they make it easier for men to judge a woman’s age (and her reproductive value) by sight—suggesting why men find women with large breasts more attractive.
Alternatively, men may prefer women with large breasts for the same reason they prefer women with small waists. A new study of Polish women shows that women with large breasts and tight waists have the greatest fecundity, indicated by their levels of two reproductive hormones (estradiol and progesterone).
Blond hair is unique in that it changes dramatically with age. Typically, young girls with light blond hair become women with brown hair. Thus, men who prefer to mate with blond women are unconsciously attempting to mate with younger (and hence, on average, healthier and more fecund) women. It is no coincidence that blond hair evolved in Scandinavia and northern Europe, probably as an alternative means for women to advertise their youth, as their bodies were concealed under heavy clothing.
Women with blue eyes should not be any different from those with green or brown eyes. Yet preference for blue eyes seems both universal and undeniable—in males as well as females. One explanation is that the human pupil dilates when an individual is exposed to something that she likes. For instance, the pupils of women and infants (but not men) spontaneously dilate when they see babies. Pupil dilation is an honest indicator of interest and attraction. And the size of the pupil is easiest to determine in blue eyes. Blue-eyed people are considered attractive as potential mates because it is easiest to determine whether they are interested in us or not.
The irony is that none of the above is true any longer. Through face-lifts, wigs, liposuction, surgical breast augmentation, hair dye, and color contact lenses, any woman, regardless of age, can have many of the key features that define ideal female beauty. And men fall for them. Men can cognitively understand that many blond women with firm, large breasts are not actually 15 years old, but they still find them attractive because their evolved psychological mechanisms are fooled by modern inventions that did not exist in the ancestral environment.
Humans are naturally polygamous
The history of western civilization aside, humans are naturally polygamous. Polyandry (a marriage of one woman to many men) is very rare, but polygyny (the marriage of one man to many women) is widely practiced in human societies, even though Judeo-Christian traditions hold that monogamy is the only natural form of marriage. We know that humans have been polygynous throughout most of history because men are taller than women.
Among primate and nonprimate species, the degree of polygyny highly correlates with the degree to which males of a species are larger than females. The more polygynous the species, the greater the size disparity between the sexes. Typically, human males are 10 percent taller and 20 percent heavier than females. This suggests that, throughout history, humans have been mildly polygynous.
Relative to monogamy, polygyny creates greater fitness variance (the distance between the “winners” and the “losers” in the reproductive game) among males than among females because it allows a few males to monopolize all the females in the group. The greater fitness variance among males creates greater pressure for men to compete with each other for mates. Only big and tall males can win mating opportunities. Among pair-bonding species like humans, in which males and females stay together to raise their children, females also prefer to mate with big and tall males because they can provide better physical protection against predators and other males.
In societies where rich men are much richer than poor men, women (and their children) are better off sharing the few wealthy men; one-half, one-quarter, or even one-tenth of a wealthy man is still better than an entire poor man. As George Bernard Shaw puts it, “The maternal instinct leads a woman to prefer a tenth share in a first-rate man to the exclusive possession of a third-rate one.” Despite the fact that humans are naturally polygynous, most industrial societies are monogamous because men tend to be more or less equal in their resources compared with their ancestors in medieval times. (Inequality tends to increase as society advances in complexity from hunter-gatherer to advanced agrarian societies. Industrialization tends to decrease the level of inequality.)
Most women benefit from polygyny, while most men benefit from monogamy
When there is resource inequality among men—the case in every human society—most women benefit from polygyny: women can share a wealthy man. Under monogamy, they are stuck with marrying a poorer man.
The only exceptions are extremely desirable women. Under monogamy, they can monopolize the wealthiest men; under polygyny, they must share the men with other, less desirable women. However, the situation is exactly opposite for men. Monogamy guarantees that every man can find a wife. True, less desirable men can marry only less desirable women, but that’s much better than not marrying anyone at all.
Men in monogamous societies imagine they would be better off under polygyny. What they don’t realize is that, for most men who are not extremely desirable, polygyny means no wife at all, or, if they are lucky, a wife who is much less desirable than one they could get under monogamy.
Most suicide bombers are Muslim
According to the Oxford University sociologist Diego Gambetta, editor of Making Sense of Suicide Missions, a comprehensive history of this troubling yet topical phenomenon, while suicide missions are not always religiously motivated, when religion is involved, it is always Muslim. Why is this? Why is Islam the only religion that motivates its followers to commit suicide missions?
The surprising answer from the evolutionary psychological perspective is that Muslim suicide bombing may have nothing to do with Islam or the Koran (except for two lines in it). It may have nothing to do with the religion, politics, the culture, the race, the ethnicity, the language, or the region. As with everything else from this perspective, it may have a lot to do with sex, or, in this case, the absence of sex.
What distinguishes Islam from other major religions is that it tolerates polygyny. By allowing some men to monopolize all women and altogether excluding many men from reproductive opportunities, polygyny creates shortages of available women. If 50 percent of men have two wives each, then the other 50 percent don’t get any wives at all.
So polygyny increases competitive pressure on men, especially young men of low status. It therefore increases the likelihood that young men resort to violent means to gain access to mates. By doing so, they have little to lose and much to gain compared with men who already have wives. Across all societies, polygyny makes men violent, increasing crimes such as murder and rape, even after controlling for such obvious factors as economic development, economic inequality, population density, the level of democracy, and political factors in the region.
However, polygyny itself is not a sufficient cause of suicide bombing. Societies in sub-Saharan Africa and the Caribbean are much more polygynous than the Muslim nations in the Middle East and North Africa. And they do have very high levels of violence. Sub-Saharan Africa suffers from a long history of continuous civil wars—but not suicide bombings.
The other key ingredient is the promise of 72 virgins waiting in heaven for any martyr in Islam. The prospect of exclusive access to virgins may not be so appealing to anyone who has even one mate on earth, which strict monogamy virtually guarantees. However, the prospect is quite appealing to anyone who faces the bleak reality on earth of being a complete reproductive loser.
It is the combination of polygyny and the promise of a large harem of virgins in heaven that motivates many young Muslim men to commit suicide bombings. Consistent with this explanation, all studies of suicide bombers indicate that they are significantly younger than not only the Muslim population in general but other (nonsuicidal) members of their own extreme political organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah. And nearly all suicide bombers are single.
Having sons reduces the likelihood of divorce
Sociologists and demographers have discovered that couples who have at least one son face significantly less risk of divorce than couples who have only daughters. Why is this?
Since a man’s mate value is largely determined by his wealth, status, and power—whereas a woman’s is largely determined by her youth and physical attractiveness—the father has to make sure that his son will inherit his wealth, status, and power, regardless of how much or how little of these resources he has. In contrast, there is relatively little that a father (or mother) can do to keep a daughter youthful or make her more physically attractive.
The continued presence of (and investment by) the father is therefore important for the son, but not as crucial for the daughter. The presence of sons thus deters divorce and departure of the father from the family more than the presence of daughters, and this effect tends to be stronger among wealthy families.
Beautiful people have more daughters
It is commonly believed that whether parents conceive a boy or a girl is up to random chance. Close, but not quite; it is largely up to chance. The normal sex ratio at birth is 105 boys for every 100 girls. But the sex ratio varies slightly in different circumstances and for different families. There are factors that subtly influence the sex of an offspring.
One of the most celebrated principles in evolutionary biology, the Trivers-Willard hypothesis, states that wealthy parents of high status have more sons, while poor parents of low status have more daughters. This is because children generally inherit the wealth and social status of their parents. Throughout history, sons from wealthy families who would themselves become wealthy could expect to have a large number of wives, mistresses and concubines, and produce dozens or hundreds of children, whereas their equally wealthy sisters can have only so many children. So natural selection designs parents to have biased sex ratio at birth depending upon their economic circumstances—more boys if they are wealthy, more girls if they are poor. (The biological mechanism by which this occurs is not yet understood.)
This hypothesis has been documented around the globe. American presidents, vice presidents, and cabinet secretaries have more sons than daughters. Poor Mukogodo herders in East Africa have more daughters than sons. Church parish records from the 17th and 18th centuries show that wealthy landowners in Leezen, Germany, had more sons than daughters, while farm laborers and tradesmen without property had more daughters than sons. In a survey of respondents from 46 nations, wealthy individuals are more likely to indicate a preference for sons if they could only have one child, whereas less wealthy individuals are more likely to indicate a preference for daughters.
The generalized Trivers-Willard hypothesis goes beyond a family’s wealth and status: If parents have any traits that they can pass on to their children and that are better for sons than for daughters, then they will have more boys. Conversely, if parents have any traits that they can pass on to their children and that are better for daughters, they will have more girls.
Physical attractiveness, while a universally positive quality, contributes even more to women’s reproductive success than to men’s. The generalized hypothesis would therefore predict that physically attractive parents should have more daughters than sons. Once again, this is the case. Americans who are rated “very attractive” have a 56 percent chance of having a daughter for their first child, compared with 48 percent for everyone else.
What Bill Gates and Paul McCartney have in common with criminals
For nearly a quarter of a century, criminologists have known about the “age-crime curve.” In every society at all historical times, the tendency to commit crimes and other risk-taking behavior rapidly increases in early adolescence, peaks in late adolescence and early adulthood, rapidly decreases throughout the 20s and 30s, and levels off in middle age.
This curve is not limited to crime. The same age profile characterizes every quantifiable human behavior that is public (i.e., perceived by many potential mates) and costly (i.e., not affordable by all sexual competitors). The relationship between age and productivity among male jazz musicians, male painters, male writers, and male scientists—which might be called the “age-genius curve”—is essentially the same as the age-crime curve. Their productivity—the expressions of their genius—quickly peaks in early adulthood, and then equally quickly declines throughout adulthood. The age-genius curve among their female counterparts is much less pronounced; it does not peak or vary as much as a function of age.
Paul McCartney has not written a hit song in years, and now spends much of his time painting. Bill Gates is now a respectable businessman and philanthropist, and is no longer a computer whiz kid. J.D. Salinger now lives as a total recluse and has not published anything in more than three decades. Orson Welles was a mere 26 when he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in Citizen Kane.
A single theory can explain the productivity of both creative geniuses and criminals over the life course: Both crime and genius are expressions of young men’s competitive desires, whose ultimate function in the ancestral environment would have been to increase reproductive success.
In the physical competition for mates, those who are competitive may act violently toward their male rivals. Men who are less inclined toward crime and violence may express their competitiveness through their creative activities.
The cost of competition, however, rises dramatically when a man has children, when his energies and resources are put to better use protecting and investing in them. The birth of the first child usually occurs several years after puberty because men need some time to accumulate sufficient resources and attain sufficient status to attract their first mate. There is therefore a gap of several years between the rapid rise in the benefits of competition and similarly rapid rise in its costs. Productivity rapidly declines in late adulthood as the costs of competition rise and cancel its benefits.
These calculations have been performed by natural and sexual selection, so to speak, which then equips male brains with a psychological mechanism to incline them to be increasingly competitive immediately after puberty and make them less competitive right after the birth of their first child. Men simply do not feel like acting violently, stealing, or conducting additional scientific experiments, or they just want to settle down after the birth of their child but they do not know exactly why.
The similarity between Bill Gates, Paul McCartney, and criminals—in fact, among all men throughout evolutionary history—points to an important concept in evolutionary biology: female choice.
Women often say no to men. Men have had to conquer foreign lands, win battles and wars, compose symphonies, author books, write sonnets, paint cathedral ceilings, make scientific discoveries, play in rock bands, and write new computer software in order to impress women so that they will agree to have sex with them. Men have built (and destroyed) civilization in order to impress women, so that they might say yes.
The midlife crisis is a myth—sort of
Many believe that men go through a midlife crisis when they are in middle age. Not quite. Many middle-aged men do go through midlife crises, but it’s not because they are middle-aged. It’s because their wives are. From the evolutionary psychological perspective, a man’s midlife crisis is precipitated by his wife’s imminent menopause and end of her reproductive career, and thus his renewed need to attract younger women. Accordingly, a 50-year-old man married to a 25-year-old woman would not go through a midlife crisis, while a 25-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman would, just like a more typical 50-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman. It’s not his midlife that matters; it’s hers. When he buys a shiny-red sports car, he’s not trying to regain his youth; he’s trying to attract young women to replace his menopausal wife by trumpeting his flash and cash.
It’s natural for politicians to risk everything for an affair (but only if they’re male)
On the morning of January 21, 1998, as Americans woke up to the stunning allegation that President Bill Clinton had had an affair with a 24-year-old White House intern, Darwinian historian Laura L. Betzig thought, “I told you so.” Betzig points out that while powerful men throughout Western history have married monogamously (only one legal wife at a time), they have always mated polygynously (they had lovers, concubines, and female slaves). With their wives, they produced legitimate heirs; with the others, they produced bastards. Genes make no distinction between the two categories of children.
As a result, powerful men of high status throughout human history attained very high reproductive success, leaving a large number of offspring (legitimate and otherwise), while countless poor men died mateless and childless. Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty, the last Sharifian emperor of Morocco, stands out quantitatively, having left more offspring—1,042—than anyone else on record, but he was by no means qualitatively different from other powerful men, like Bill Clinton.
The question many asked in 1998—”Why on earth would the most powerful man in the world jeopardize his job for an affair with a young woman?”—is, from a Darwinian perspective, a silly one. Betzig’s answer would be: “Why not?” Men strive to attain political power, consciously or unconsciously, in order to have reproductive access to a larger number of women. Reproductive access to women is the goal, political office but one means. To ask why the President of the United States would have a sexual encounter with a young woman is like asking why someone who worked very hard to earn a large sum of money would then spend it.
What distinguishes Bill Clinton is not that he had extramarital affairs while in office—others have, more will; it would be a Darwinian puzzle if they did not—what distinguishes him is the fact that he got caught.
Men sexually harass women because they are not sexist
An unfortunate consequence of the ever-growing number of women joining the labor force and working side by side with men is the increasing number of sexual harassment cases. Why must sexual harassment be a necessary consequence of the sexual integration of the workplace?
Psychologist Kingsley R. Browne identifies two types of sexual harassment cases: the quid pro quo (”You must sleep with me if you want to keep your job or be promoted”) and the “hostile environment” (the workplace is deemed too sexualized for workers to feel safe and comfortable). While feminists and social scientists tend to explain sexual harassment in terms of “patriarchy” and other ideologies, Browne locates the ultimate cause of both types of sexual harassment in sex differences in mating strategies.
Studies demonstrate unequivocally that men are far more interested in short-term casual sex than women. In one now-classic study, 75 percent of undergraduate men approached by an attractive female stranger agreed to have sex with her; none of the women approached by an attractive male stranger did. Many men who would not date the stranger nonetheless agreed to have sex with her.
The quid pro quo types of harassment are manifestations of men’s greater desire for short-term casual sex and their willingness to use any available means to achieve that goal. Feminists often claim that sexual harassment is “not about sex but about power;” Browne contends it is both—men using power to get sex. “To say that it is only about power makes no more sense than saying that bank robbery is only about guns, not about money.”
Sexual harassment cases of the hostile-environment variety result from sex differences in what men and women perceive as “overly sexual” or “hostile” behavior. Many women legitimately complain that they have been subjected to abusive, intimidating, and degrading treatment by their male coworkers. Browne points out that long before women entered the labor force, men subjected each other to such abusive, intimidating, and degrading treatment.
Abuse, intimidation, and degradation are all part of men’s repertoire of tactics employed in competitive situations. In other words, men are not treating women differently from men—the definition of discrimination, under which sexual harassment legally falls—but the opposite: Men harass women precisely because they are not discriminating between men and women.

9 Basic Human Needs for Good Mental Health and Emotional Well-being

2008-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

If you are suffering from an emotional problem such as depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour or repetitive addictions, there is only one place you should start when looking for a solution. Your basic human needsIt seems obvious, but all too often, when it comes to psychology, common sense goes out the window, and the textbooks come off the bookshelf. Why not leave them there for just now, and ask yourself the following questions…

- If you had no petrol in your car, would you be wondering why it won’t start?

- If your garden hadn’t seen rain for 6 months, would you be racking your brains about why all the plants had died?

Of course not. But ask human beings to apply the same objective observation to their own lives and you are setting a much trickier task.

Nine basic human needs

Apparently, if you chuck a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will hop straight out again. But if

you put him in cold water and slowly heat it up, he will sit there until well and truly

poached.

Problems due to missing ‘basics’ in peoples lives tend to develop over time, and so can be

easily missed. Then, when the problem arises - be it anxiety, depression, addiction or some

other nasty - they can’t for the life of them fathom out why!

It’s therefore a great idea to know what your own garden needs in order to grow well, so when

you see something starting to wither, you can check your list and apply the necessary

nutrients.

So here’s the list. (At least, our list. If you think we’ve missed any, do let us know!)

1. The need to give and receive attention

“No Man Is An Island”

Without regular quality contact with other people, mental condition, emotional state and

behaviour can suffer quite drastically. This is often particularly obvious in elderly people who

have become isolated. After days alone, their first contact may be their GP, who sees them

for 10 minutes.

They are highly likely during this short period to appear ’strange’ as their thwarted need for

attention asserts itself in an outpouring of communication. If the GP takes this as

representative of the patient’s general mental condition, they may prescribe drugs, where

really a few hours of being listened to would suffice.

You may also have noticed this in evening-class attendees who command the teacher’s

attention all the time, asking seemingly daft questions and not really listening to the

answers!

2. Taking heed of the mind body connection

This is so important, and so often neglected. Without correct and regular nutrition, sleep and

exercise, your psychological state can suffer considerably. It is often seen that young people,

on leaving home and the structure that provides, succumb to one mental illness or another.

Their mealtimes, sleep patterns and other regular habits become disrupted, with predictable

consequences.

It seems that people are increasingly treating themselves as machines!

3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning

“The devil will make work for idle hands to do.”

Perhaps the overriding element that sets human beings apart from other animals is the ability

to identify, analyse and solve problems. This is what enabled us to develop to where we

have.

If this ability is under-used, the imagination can start to create problems of its own - perhaps

in an attempt to give you something to do because it is not occupied doing anything else.

Regardless, if a person is deprived of the outward focus and satisfaction created by achieving

goals, mental illness is often close behind.

The need for meaning is perhaps even more profound. Viktor Frankl’s book ‘Man’s Search for

Meaning’ documents the impact of lack of meaning on concentration camp prisoners, of which

he was one. He says in it that “What is the meaning of life?” is a question that is asked of you,

not one that you yourself ask. It is a hugely powerful and important read when considering

mental health.

4. A sense of community and making a contribution

Tying in with the need for meaning, this basic need provides a context for a person. It gives

them a reason for being, over and above their own personal needs, that has been shown to

benefit the immune system, mental health and happiness.

One obvious fulfiller of this need is religion, but can also be an idea shared with others, a

club, charity or community work. In fact, anything that takes the focus off the self.

5. The need for challenge and creativity

Learning something new, expanding horizons, improving on existing skills all provide a

sensation of progress and achievement. Without this, a person can feel worthless, or that

there is no real reason for their being.

6. The need for intimacy

Tying in with the need for attention, it seems that people have a need to share their ideas,

hopes and dreams with others close to them. For some, this can be as simple a talking to a

loved pet, but for most of us, it requires that we have at least one individual with whom we

can converse ‘on the same level’.

7. The need to feel a sense of control

“All your eggs in one basket.”

The results of total loss of control over your surroundings, relationships or body are not hard

to imagine, and have been well documented.

From survivors of torture, to someone losing their job, those who are able to maintain a sense

of control somewhere in their life fare the best. This is why having a variety of interests and

activities is so important.

8. The need for a sense of status

It’s important to feel important. And we all know some people for whom this need is too

important! However, if someone feels recognised for being a grandmother or parent or good

son or daughter, this may be enough. Young people finding their feet can have improved self-

esteem if they feel they have attained a position of trust and recognition. Young boys in

Birmingham, UK who were at risk of exclusion because of behavioural problems were trained

as mentors and paid for helping younger kids who were also at risk of exclusion. Not only did

the mentors’ own behaviour improve, they also reported greater levels of happiness,

contentment and self-esteem. Much disruptive, problematic behaviour may be a misapplied

attempt to meet this need for recognition.

9. The need for a sense safety and security

We need to feel our environment is basically secure and reasonably predictable. Financial

security, physical safety and health, and the fulfilment of other basic needs all contribute to

the completion of this need. As with all of the following needs we can take it too far and

become obsessive about it – you will see this sometimes if the need for creativity is not

met.

Many Needs, One Life

It may seem that a life that meets all of these needs would be intolerably busy. But of course,

one activity can meet many needs. Charity work for example, could be said to fulfil 1, 3, 4 and

5, and could contribute to 6 and 7.Walking with a friend as a pastime might go towards 1,

2, 3, 5 and 6.

Generally, what this suggests, and what has been borne out by recent research, is that a

more complex life is a more healthy one.

Then if one area of life fails or is taken away from you, your basic needs are maintained, at

least in part, by those that survive.

So the message is…

If your progress through life has gone a bit awry for you or a friend, check if there is petrol in

the car, and that the battery is charged before going to a mechanic to have the engine taken

apart

How to understand what your dreams mean

2008-06-08T05:35:00.000-07:00

The symbolism in dreams is often simply ‘borrowed’ from recent events. The first time the above dream occurred was after the woman had been watching a television programme about sailing. The symbols are rather arbitrary; it is the feelings in the dream which hold the key to unlocking dreams and what they mean.
The feelings in the dream are usually an exaggeration of feelings from the real-life issue which caused the dream. If you feel terror in the dream think of when recently, in your waking life, you felt a little frightened. Or if you laugh hysterically during a dream look for a recent time when you found something funny but were maybe constrained from laughing too uproariously.

When you find the dream’s match it often feels like a ‘clicking into place’ - like a perception rather than an intellectualisation.

Hypnosis for Success

2008-06-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

Every year I train thousands of people in hypnosis and the role of positive psychology in overcoming difficulties and maximizing success. So I see every day how crucial attitude is for human performance and happiness. So why do I link attitude to hypnosis? Well, another word for ‘attitude’ is ‘focus’. And when you narrow your focus – either inward or outward – you begin to go into a hypnotic trance. When your attitude is strong, then you have strong focus and a strong focus is always hypnotic. Now the content of that focus is vitally important. A negative attitude means you expect things to go wrong or to be difficult or unpleasant. A positive attitude, on the other hand, means you expect things to be fun or productive or worth the effort. In other words, you expect success.

Hypnosis can help create success because hypnosis is about creating expectations. These expectations aren’t the so called ‘positive thinking’, or just hoping for the best. They are a part of you. They become your instincts. Now because your instincts work for you automatically, this positive attitude means you’re freed from the effort of trying to be positive – which never really works. You just can’t help it. You can’t help being positive. You begin to expect the best quite naturally.

With hypnosis you can change unhelpful patterns so your expectations and instincts start to work productively for you. The advantages are huge. Even setbacks are seen in positive ways. Positive people learn from setbacks and often say afterwards that in fact they didn’t see them as setbacks at all.

So where do you get your attitudes from? Well, you learn attitudes in two ways. Either they get conditioned into you by others, or you condition yourself through natural self-hypnotic experiences. Every time you learn something new to the extent that it becomes automatic, then you’ve been hypnotized. Remember, hypnosis can last just a few seconds and your eyes can be wide open. This is why we talk about anger, pessimism, anxiety, addictions and depression as hypnotic trance states, because they all require a restrictive, narrowed focus combined with a use (or misuse) of imagination.

People trance out just as much when they’re being negative as when they’re strongly positive, because your instincts are essentially programmed through natural hypnotic focus states. So it’s perfectly possible to program yourself to believe unhelpful or limiting things about yourself. The argument of pessimists usually comes back to what they call realism. You know the kind of thing. I’m just being realistic. Things really are that bad.

In our work we don’t use unrealistic and simplistic positive thinking ideas, but we do encourage life transformation through developing productive creativity, optimism and staying power. Remember, expectation is powerful. Your brain works towards what it’s been programmed to expect. This principle can be much more powerful than you may currently realize.

I’ve sometimes set my alarm clock for seven and then – due to high expectation in my brain – I’ve woken up one minute before the alarm goes off. Friends and colleagues tell me of similar experiences. People often talk of consciously struggling to remember someone’s name – so creating expectation for their brain to manifest. Hours later they may have been mowing the lawn or taking a bath and suddenly the name pops up, even though they were no longer thinking about it consciously. Expectation is powerful stuff and works below the level of your conscious mind.

It’s the power of unconscious expectation that determines your attitudes in life, and attitude is really a subconscious expectation; and, as any medic will tell you, expectation can even cure some illnesses. This is why placebos work in reducing swelling or pain even when they’re just sugar pills. Placebos also make excellent anti-depressants. It’s the expectancy produced by the positive belief that these substances are powerful healing medications that produces the positive result.

Hypnosis is a medium through which positive subconscious expectancy can be programmed and maintained. The more the patient’s attention is locked onto the placebo and the more their imagination is engaged, the more successful the placebo will be in actually reorganizing cellular structures in the patient’s body. This is the hypnotic part and the success of the placebo is the completion of the expectancy. Few doctors understand that the working of a placebo pill is a post-hypnotic response, but that’s exactly what it is.

If you truly believe that things are going to work out well, then you’ll feel confident and have more staying power to keep trying longer. You’ll also have more energy and enthusiasm, which is more likely to attract others to your project, and your creative mind will be working for you, so you’ll produce unexpected solutions and ideas.

Your subconscious mind will be constantly working towards manifesting the expectation and your brain is a powerful engine and what it is geared towards is absolutely crucial. Research shows that optimists have better immune systems, live longer, become less stressed by challenges and persevere longer, meaning they’re more likely to ultimately succeed.

Hypnosis is a natural learning state and happens spontaneously and continually, and most of the time we’re unaware of it happening. This means we can easily get hypnotized by the attitudes of people around us, and by TV and advertising.

Fortunately, optimism is a strategy that anyone can learn and the quickest way to do this is also through hypnosis. Optimists see positive things as part of who they are – permanent and relating to life as a whole. It’s as simple as this. The more times you enter positive and productive hypnotic trance states relating to your life, the more positive – and likely to be successful – you become.

Because negative emotional states also work on people in hypnotic ways, we can use hypnosis as the optimum tool to overcoming depression, anger and other conditions. Similarly, because determination, inspiration and the ability to enter performance flow states are also hypnotic, we can again use hypnosis to create and enhance positive states until they become a lasting way of relating to your life.

Of course, anything worthwhile takes perseverance. But individuals who can keep creative, upbeat and determined and see through the limitations of negativity are the ones who’ll thrive.

In summary

All psychological limitations are learned through natural trance states. Likewise, all skills, abilities and positive attitudes become fixed through hypnotic experiences. Negative attitudes produce negative expectations – which makes people give up too early and miss opportunities. Positive expectation means more energy and likelihood of success and happiness. Both optimism and pessimism tend to be infectious. Positive expectation and focus can be programmed through regular and effective hypnosis.

How hypnosis can build self confidence

2008-06-08T05:33:00.001-07:00

Over the last decade we have found that one of the most common uses for self hypnosis is confidence building, so we thought that it would be a good idea to explain just how you might build self confidence using hypnosis. As our starting point, let’s take a look at how you build self confidence in the real world. How do you get to the point where doing something scary just isn’t scary any more?

Well basically, you do it and do it until it just isn’t scary any more! Hardly a deeply insightful answer, but true. Think of anything you have mastered that was difficult at first, and you’ll see that’s what happened.

Fear, or lack of confidence, is all about uncertainty, and once you have done something enough for the uncertainty to mostly disappear, the fear disappears too.

But that leaves a big problem. What if you’re so scared to do something you can’t even get started? Or what if it’s not the sort of thing you can practise?

This is where hypnosis comes in. Hypnosis builds a ‘bridge’ from where you are just now to your destination - doing what you want to do comfortably.

Time for an example I think…

Jane, a client of mine, was terrified of driving her car. She had been driving home from work one day when an angry driver had started harassing her by driving right up behind, swerving in front of her and shouting out of the window. She was very stressed at the time as her mother had just died, and she had a panic attack behind the wheel. When she got back in the car the following day she had another panic attack and was unable to drive. Now she had bravely got herself to the stage where she could ride in one if someone she trusted was driving, but she couldn’t drive herself.

Now, she could go no further in her career without a driving licence and so was in a very difficult situation.

So what to do? Jane has to drive, but is terrified of it. It’s the sort of situation that can make you feel pretty hopeless. But not if you know hypnosis.

Firstly, we used hypnosis to get Jane to feel differently about the road rage incident - so that she could remember it without panicking and - more importantly - so she didn’t experience panic when she got behind the wheel.

Then we had her rehearse driving over and over in hypnosis so she could ‘experience’ doing it while relaxed.

After the hypnosis, Jane said she felt more relaxed about driving, but how could she be sure it would be OK?

I told her she couldn’t be sure. You can never be sure until you do it. You can fool yourself into thinking it will definitely be OK, develop some powerful optimism, but you can never be 100% sure. Used in the right way, hypnosis reduces the feeling of uncertainty to tolerable levels, so you can go and do that thing that used to terrify you.

But when it comes down to it - it’s down to you to make the final leap. (It’s just that it feels more like a hop!

Jane made that final leap and things got easier and easier from then on. She didn’t do it because I ‘told’ her to - she did it because I helped her reduce the unpleasant emotions to a level where she could do what she needed to solve the problem.

Hypnosis builds a bridge over the chasm you have to leap.

If you read the Master Series essay on What is Hypnosis? you will remember how Mark Tyrrell described how hypnosis accesses the REM state to create a new blueprint for the instincts. These sessions create a more confident emotional blueprint for specific events.

And here are some more great reasons why you can be more confident…

As I said above, you can never be sure before you do something that ‘everything is going to be OK’.

But you can trust yourself that you’ll do your best.

And you can accept the possibility that you’ll surprise yourself.

And you can concentrate on relaxing so that your unconscious mind can help you.

And you can form a clear picture of your desired outcome so your unconscious knows what to aim for.

In summary

So to sum up, hypnosis works by re-educating the unconscious mind, giving you control over responses that you can’t control consciously, or by trying harder.

Worry your way to a solution

2008-06-08T05:33:00.000-07:00

Take the pressure off yourself - delay making crucial decisions.

You may find it hard to think of anything else when you are caught up worrying about some future decision. Realise that sometimes you can choose not to make a decision for the time being. Say to yourself “I’m not ready to make a decision on that yet. I’ll think about it again in 5 days time”, and put the date in your diary.

Getting yourself too worked up with worry can have a detrimental effect on your mood, sleep patterns, memory and problem-solving ability. Dwelling on a problem can make it harder to find a solution. By giving yourself ‘time off’ from thinking about it - you’ll find you get a greater perspective and find solutions easier. Writing down your worries and putting them aside until you decide to deal with them, allows you to put them to rest for the time being.

Worry your way to a solution, not more problems!

Chronic worrying can quickly make you feel helpless, as you imagine more and more problems until you reach the point where you can’t possibly solve them all. It usually goes a bit like “If that happens, then this will happen, and then that will be a disaster!”

Instead, try challenging worry-provoking thoughts with questions like “What evidence is there for that?” and “Just how likely is that, based on my past experience?” Learn to distinguish between possibility and probability. It’s your mind - take control of your thoughts!

Worrying is about balancing the odds of whether or not to do something. If you have to do it, then what you need is preparation, not worry. For example, with public speaking, prepare intellectually by learning your material, and emotionally by doing relaxation and visualisation, or self-hypnosis.

Learn to worry well and benefit from stress

2008-06-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

As we all know, worrying creates stress, and stress is a health risk. Worrying can raise your blood pressure, cause you to suffer sleepless nights and affect your digestion, your immunity - even your sex life. But worrying isn’t all bad - the ability to worry about possible dangers and prepare for them has been a crucial factor in the development and survival of Mankind. Here’s how to tap into your evolutionary birthright and make stress work for you!

Turn stress into your friend - understand when to worry

Thousands of years ago worrying ensured our survival. Humans were the feeblest, slowest, most poorly protected food around. ‘Man the hunter’ is a hopelessly inaccurate idea, as for most of our evolution we survived by spotting dangerous situations and staying well away!

And how did we do that? By worrying! Or put another way; using our thinking ability to explore every possibility before putting ourselves at risk. Possibilities like “There could be a tiger in there”, had to be checked out first! These days few situations threaten our physical survival, but we still behave as if there are many. Most of us face many potentially worry-provoking situations every day and if we avoided them all, we’d get nowhere fast.

Make worrying constructive - learn how to ‘worry well’.

Take time to think over all your worries, dilemmas and problems. Set aside half an hour for worrying during the day. When you find yourself worrying at any other time, note the worry down and keep it for later. Once you write down your worries, you can be more objective, and ‘leave them alone’ for a while.

Try using the following template:

“I am worried about….”
“The worst that could happen is….”
“The best that could happen is….”
“Things I can do now are”….
“Other factors to remember”.

Also realise that tiredness, hunger, anxiety and other ‘low’ mood states can lead to your thoughts becoming more doom-laden. So worry after you’ve eaten, in the morning after a good sleep, or best of all, after 20 minutes exercise

How to quit smoking

2008-06-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

The rebellious smoker usually started smoking as an adolescent behaviour in their early teens. It was a form of rebelling or revolting against parents, teachers, society, whatever. The rebellious association for these smokers has persisted into adulthood, so telling them they should quit smoking is like telling an infatuated teenage girl she should stop seeing that enigmatic edgy guy –she’ll want him even more. Encourage her to see him – even insist – and she’ll see through him quick enough. It’s the same for the rebellious smoker.

The rubber band effect

If you force yourself (or I try to force you) to deny yourself something you want, you build an inner tension. That tension grows.

Telling that teenage girl not to see that guy she is infatuated with is likely to just increase her desire to see him. You pull her one way and she becomes more attracted to going the other way. It’s just like a rubber band you’ve stretched too far – it springs back.

Telling people they shouldn’t smoke when so much of smoking is about rebellion against advice and ‘orders’ can actually encourage more smoking, especially if the smoker in question has never discarded their adolescent associations to the habit.

Rebellion needs to be used and directed

I have treated hundreds of smokers, ranging from those who are well and truly out of love with it to those who are still fondly staring at it through rose-tinted spectacles.

When treating infatuated smokers, we need to address this matter of rebellion – because you’ll always be suspicious of anything or anyone who seems to want to attack the object of your attachment. We need to bring it out into the open and deal with it.

Protecting that which seeks to destroy you

People are often protective and defensive about things (such as cults, individuals or, indeed, substances) that damage and undermine them. Why? There are two main reasons:

‘Cognitive dissonance’. You have to justify and rationalise to yourself (and others) why you do something which has no advantages and many disadvantages. So if a cult has taken all your money it’s easier to assert that this was somehow a good thing than to admit to yourself or others that you’ve been a schmuck.
Misdirected rebellion. Of course, the smoker who is slowly being killed by nicotine should really be rebellious toward the smoking itself.

If we think of smoking as an interloper – something outside the core identity of the smoker (which of course it is) – we can see it working something like this:

To maintain itself and ’survive’, the smoking habit has to collect this rebellious force and direct it against the ‘rubbish day’ or the ’stressful meeting’ or the fact that ‘everyone is telling me to quit, so to hell with them, I’ll smoke if I want…’ In other words, the rebellion has to be directed anywhere except toward the smoking itself. This use of and deflection of rebellion is regularly used in cults. And it’s also the standard tactic of dominant and manipulative partners in emotionally abusive relationships.

Cults and manipulators

The manipulative abusive partner and the controlling cult will effectively direct rebellion onto ‘outsiders’, so that their victims come to defend what is undermining them and attack what may threaten the abuser, cult, or addictive habit. This is why formerly family-minded cult victims may start hating and avoiding their own families. The cult hasn’t tried to stop their need to rebel, it has just directed this away from itself. So the need for conflict is harnessed. The emotional manipulator will try bit by bit to undermine their ‘partner’s’ friends, families and outside interests (all possible threats to the manipulator).

When the cult/relationship victim starts to turn round and see what it was that was really undermining or destroying them, there is a moment of awakening: ‘Oh, it’s you I need to rebel against! You are not my friend after all!’ Rebellious smokers need to reach this stage in order to break free of the need to use smoking as rebellion – and hopefully escape with their lives.

But be warned! People are prepared to die for their beliefs. Beliefs are powerful and influential things. Just ‘talking sense’ to the cult member, infatuated abused lover or rebellious smoker will do little to help, and may strengthen their resolve to continue their self-destructive pattern. This is because, far more often than not, beliefs are formed though emotion rather than logic.

Being prepared to die for beliefs

Rebellion is always part of the equation in the cult/bad relationship dynamic. At first, you protect what damages you by directing your rebellion outwards to protect the source of the damage (this process is, unsurprisingly, busily encouraged by the source of the damage – such as the tobacco industry – to protect itself). Then (hopefully, once you’ve had that moment of awakening) you re-direct the rebellion against what is really destroying you and so save yourself. Rather than blind rebellious force against, for example ‘busybody non-smokers’, we now have intelligent rebellion. But the common element is rebellion. It is always there. The rebellious smoker has unwittingly been brainwashed into being prepared to lay down their lives for the ’cause’ of smoking.

Beliefs are truly powerful. We all, sadly, know of terrorists who were willing to die for their beliefs. But many smokers are only too equally willing to die for their beliefs. People don’t just throw away their health, their looks or their lives unless they have beliefs. Even if these beliefs are unconsciously held and not fully recognised. People believe in their own autonomy and powers of independent thought, and will claim that they have formulated their beliefs themselves. They often fail to recognise when their dearly held views have actually been supplied by others.

Smoking beliefs and arguments

There’s plenty of them. Some are quite imaginative!

I could be run over by a bus tomorrow/got to die from something
One in 14,000 people are run over; one in two 20-a-day smokers are killed by their cigarettes.
It’s not the smoking that’s giving me this cough etc.
No, of course not – and beating someone up in a relationship just proves how much they love you right?
Smokers are more interesting/creative/exciting/cool/bohemian/etc – Smoking is part of my identity!
Not even going to comment! Where are we – high school? Was no one interesting, cool etc before tobacco was introduced? OK, so I did comment.
I’ll give up when I choose to. I just haven’t chosen to.
Yeah, yeah! Just do it.
It’s my friend/companion/’secret vice’. It ‘looks after me’ when I’m stressed/upset/disappointed/bored etc.
Yeah, weakening your gums, destroying your serotonin so you get more depression and pain, slowing blood flow into your penis (if you’re a man) and shrivelling your ovaries (if you’re a woman), dimming your vision, and making you look 10 years older. If a person did this to me I wouldn’t be sending them Christmas cards.
I only smoke one to four cigarettes a day. Where’s the harm?
Compared with those who have never smoked, men and women who smoke between one and four cigarettes a day are almost three times as likely to die of coronary artery disease.
It punctuates the day – full stop at the end of a meal, comma in a meeting etc. Mmmm… right!
My Uncle Fred smoked every day of his life and ran marathons until he was 110!
Good! Was he insane? The average smoker pays seven years of life for their habit.
If I didn’t smoke, what would I do with my hands?
Errrr… go look at some non-smokers or people who haven’t started yet – or think back!
I use smoking to relax, concentrate etc.
So which is it – relaxation or stimulation? It can’t do both. Do non-smokers never relax/concentrate? That’s your reason for sacrificing yourself for the tobacco company?
I’m completely physically addicted and there’s nothing I can do.
Ah – so smokers never go on long haul flights or sleep eight hours without waking up to smoke? Conditioned association to certain times and activities is not physical addiction.

There must be more in the smokers’ belief system, but I have outlined the main ones, I think. None of them sound as compelling to me as the thought of eternal glory and reward in paradise which inspires other believers to lay down their lives.

Since 1945 90,000,000 people have sacrificed their lives for the tobacco industry’s profits. About ten people would have been killed by smoking during the time it takes you to read this. Three thousand children ’sign up’ everyday in the US and become regular smokers. They join the cult and some never break free. In Britain twelve times as many people have been killed by smoking as died in World War Two. We justify, protect, and romanticise to ourselves and others what kills us. We do the head in the sand thing. But, believe it or not. I am not an anti-smoker! Not at all.

Get over it

If you loved someone but now you hate them, you are still emotionally involved. You are still attached. Love and hate both have intense emotional focus in common.

It’s the same for ex-cult members and ex-smokers. The worst kind of ex-smoker is the sanctimonious ‘anti-smoker’. Get over it, I say. When something no longer fits, when you’ve really outgrown it, you don’t need to hate it or focus on it at all. It just fades into irrelevance. When curing people of smoking, I take account of their possible need to protect (the smoking habit) and their need for rebellion, and agree the goal of becoming a relaxed ‘non-smoker’ rather than an impassioned ‘ex-smoker’. Hypnosis – done well – can be an excellent treatment for smoking as long as the hypnotherapist has a sophisticated understanding of psychology and can appreciate how the smoker has already been hypnotised by the cigarettes. Smokers have to be de-hypnotised as much as hypnotised.

But haven’t they really got to want to stop?

When faced with a rebellious smoker or a reluctant quitter, I think we can forget the old much-bleated cliché: ‘Yes, but they’ve got to really want to stop!’ As a therapist, it is one’s job to increase motivation and use rebellion as the powerful force it is to rescue the captive of smoking before it kills them.

It’s going to be interesting to see the results of the public ban. Maybe there will just be a greater incidence of rebellious and infatuated smokers!

Telecommuting Has Mostly Positive Consequences For Employees And Employers

2008-06-08T05:27:00.000-07:00

ScienceDaily (Nov. 20, 2007) — Telecommuting is a win-win for employees and employers, resulting in higher morale and job satisfaction and lower employee stress and turnover. These were among the conclusions of psychologists who examined 20 years of research on flexible work arrangements.

The findings, based on a meta-analysis of 46 studies of telecommuting involving 12,833 employees, are reported in the Journal of Applied Psychology.

“Our results show that telecommuting has an overall beneficial effect because the arrangement provides employees with more control over how they do their work,” said lead author Ravi S. Gajendran. “Autonomy is a major factor in worker satisfaction and this rings true in our analysis. We found that telecommuters reported more job satisfaction, less motivation to leave the company, less stress, improved work-family balance, and higher performance ratings by supervisors.”

An estimated 45 million Americans telecommuted in 2006, up from 41 million in 2003, according to the magazine WorldatWork. The researchers defined telecommuting as “an alternative work arrangement in which employees perform tasks elsewhere that are normally done in a primary or central workplace, for at least some portion of their work schedule, using electronic media to interact with others inside and outside the organization.”

Gajendran and his fellow researcher David A. Harrison, PhD from Pennsylvania State University, found that telecommuting has more positive than negative effects on employees and employers. “A work-at-home option gives telecommuters more freedom in their work arrangement and removes workers from direct, face-to-face supervision,” Gajendran said. In addition, the employees in their study reported that telecommuting was beneficial for managing the often conflicting demands of work and family.

Contrary to popular belief that face time at the office is essential for good work relationships, said Gajendran, telecommuters’ relationship with their managers and coworkers did not suffer from telecommuting with one exception. Employees who worked away from their offices for three or more days a week reported worsening of their relationships with coworkers. However, managers who oversaw telecommuters reported that the telecommuters’ performance was not negatively affected by working from home. And those who telecommuted reported that they did not believe their careers were likely to suffer from telecommuting.

The typical telecommuter examined in the analysis was a manager or a professional from the information technology or sales and marketing department of a firm. The average age of a telecommuter was 39; men and women were equally represented.

Women telecommuters may derive even greater benefits from telecommuting. The authors found that study samples with greater proportions of women found they received higher performance ratings from their supervisors and that their career prospects improved, rather than worsened.

“Telecommuting has a clear upside: small but favorable effects on perceived autonomy, work-family conflict, job satisfaction, performance, turnover intent and stress,” the authors wrote. “Contrary to expectations in both academic and practitioner literatures, telecommuting has no straightforward, damaging effects on the quality of workplace relationships or perceived career prospects.”

Journal article: “The Good, the Bad, and the Unknown About Telecommuting: Meta-Analysis of Psychological Mediators and Individual Consequences,” Ravi S. Gajendran, PhD and David A. Harrison, PhD, Pennsylvania State University; Journal of Applied Psychology, Vol. 92, No. 6.

Clear the clutter

2008-06-08T05:26:00.001-07:00

here have been so many times I have been overwhelmed with
the amount of clutter that has gathered in my home and my workspace. Sometimes it gets so much
I just can’t start for wondering where to start.

We are inundated every day with junk mail through the door, paperwork from
the kids school, paperwork from club meetings, and at work there is a mountain
of paperwork (although we are trying hard to be a ‘paperless office’).

Well it’s time to take your power back and clear it or bin it.

Plan a day to clear the clutter

Take a full day, plan it and tell your family what you are doing and get rid
of them for the day. Go through all the drawers in the kitchen and clear
the paperwork. One pile for the bin and one pile to be filed. Clear
the rest of the clutter from the drawers once the paperwork’s been sorted.

Go through all the cupboards and do the same there. One room at a time,
one cupboard at a time. Depending on the size of the house you should
have cleared your house of clutter in 4 or 5 hours. Now, bin it and file
it as appropriate. Do this with your wardrobes and clear clothes that
you haven’t worn for more than six months. Once the whole house
is done, sit back and wallow in the feeling of emptiness. It’s
a great feeling, your mind will be freer, your soul will feel lighter and your
thoughts will be free to concentrate on your desires.

Do this at work as well. Clear the inbox, clear the in tray and shred
the paper you don’t need. It’s better to do this when nobody
is in the office so you won’t be disturbed and it will take less time.

This is one of the best tips to clear your mind and lighten the spirit. It
also has the knock on benefit of being able to manifest your desires quicker
as your mind is freer and cleaner to concentrate more.

Train your brain

2008-06-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

I am trying to stop eating as much rubbish as I can just now. My downfall is biscuits and cakes. If I see a pack of cookies you can be pretty
sure that with a cup of tea or coffee they will be all gone in a matter of
minutes. I want to stop eating them as much as I know the pounds will
pile on; however is it fair not to have them in the house at all when I have
2 healthy children? No it’s not. So I was looking for another way
of stopping myself eating a packet of biscuits whenever I had a cup of tea
or coffee. I have finally discovered a really simple way of doing it. I
have been using it for the last 7 days and it is working brilliantly, I can’t
believe how easy it is.

Train your brain method

Whenever you reach for that pack of biscuits say out loud ‘I don’t
like biscuits!’, whenever you are offered the food you crave say ‘I
don’t like (the name of the food)’, if you are talking about your
downfall food in conversation tell people you don’t like that particular
food. Don’t tell people you are telling yourself this to stop you
eating as much, just tell them you don’t like it and leave it at that.

I can imagine the conversation between my brain and my conscious:

Brain: “Steve reach for that pack of biscuits I’m dying on a little
biscuit fix.”
Conscience: “I don’t like biscuits!”
Brain: “Yeah right! just put out your hand a slide a few from the packet
and into your mouth.”
Conscience: “I don’t like biscuits!’ A little more forceful
this time.
Brain: “What! You love biscuits, you had twenty just yesterday. What’s
going on?”
Conscience: “I don’t like biscuits!”
Brain: A little confused “Okaaaay, I’ll play your little game.”

2 days later

Brain: “Steve, reach out for that pack….oh, sorry I forgot you
don’t like biscuits. Fancy an apple”
Conscience: “I love apples, take my legs to the fridge.”

What is happening here is that there is, what psychologists call, cognitive
dissonance. You are saying to yourself you don’t like something
but your brain doesn’t believe that just now. After a few days
both brain and conscience work hand in hand as the brain has been told that
many times it believes the conscience and simply accepts the fact that you
don’t like the food.

This is simplifying it a little but you get the picture.

I am thinking of ways of using this method on other areas of my life. Let
me know your thoughts on this.

Roll the dice to relieve the monotony

2008-06-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel you do the same things over and over again and it feels like
Groundhog Day? Why not take a leaf out of the Dice Man’s book and roll
the dice and make a choice for you.

Luke Rhinehart wrote the Dice Man back in 1978 and it is still as fresh today
as it was then. I read it about 7 years ago and thought the concept of
living your life by the dice was a great concept. I didn’t have
the balls or the inclination to try it out in my own life back then but it
is a great way to try something new which is not too life changing.

How to use it:

By way of an example, list six things you would like to do. Make two
of them quote mild and run of the mill, make another two a bit more daring
and the last two way out there. For example say you want to do something
different on Friday night as you usually go out for a meal and a drink afterwards. Your
choices might be:

Go to a restaurant in a town you have never been to
Go out on the town and then stay in a hotel
Go to a club you don’t like
Go to a midnight showing at the movies
Make love in a strange town
Go to the ballet

These are quite mild examples, but I am sure you get the picture.

I have tried this in the past with my sons. I have asked them to choose
6 different things they would really like to do and then we have rolled the
dice and let it decide what we do. We made a game of it, it was great
fun and we have had some great days out.

Roll the die take a chance!

Breathing for health - Noise removal breathing

2008-06-08T05:22:00.000-07:00

One of his techniques which I have used in the past and recently discovered again is called ‘Noise removal breathing’
Win hypothesised that for every situation in our lives there is a different breathing pattern. This is logical as when we are angry our breathing pattern is different from when we are calm and relaxed. This is obvious as the two situations are opposite ends of the spectrum. However breathing patterns are also different when we are calm and sleeping and calm and alert.

Using this information we can control and rid ourselves of certain behaviours, fears and phobias.

There are various methods for using these techniques but I will use the ‘noise removal technique’ to describe to you here:

This method is used to rid yourself of all the bad energy, toxins, and leftover emotions that dwell inside your body. It’s like having a really refreshing shower after a hot sticky day, only you are cleaning the inside of your body.

The noise removal method:

1. With each breath in, begin imagining (even picturing and feeling, if possible) that your air is coming in through the bottoms of your feet, all the way up from there. Breathe in as if you have to pull your air all the way up through ankles, legs and body, up to where you can breathe out through normal channels. (Perhaps picturing a nose in your feet might help, a nostril in the bottom of each foot between mid-arch and toes.) With each breath, breathe in against the pull of your air having to make its way up through the tissues and cells of your feet, ankles, legs and lower body …. Continue for several minutes, examining the effects you feel from this procedure ….

2. Picture or imagine piles of dried leaves or other debris being swirled up with each breath, out of your tissues and cells. Experience this stuff as being swirled up by each incoming breath, swirled up from the breath-swept tissues of your feet, legs and body, and swept up out of you on your deeply exhaled breath. Experience this as vividly as you can, with every breath. Sweep all that stuff cleanly out of you with your breath. (let all these leaves or debris represent all “noise”— tensions, toxins, tiredness, other pollutants which didn’t belong there.}

3. As these clouds of “noise” sweep cleanly out of you on your slowly, deeply, calmly exhaled breath, as all this debris hits the open air, see it flaming into showers of bright sparks!

(Even “noise” is energy: there is no such thing as “bad” energy, only congested energy compared to free flowing, useful energy, so that when this stuff is swept from “bad” configurations and hits the open air, it becomes good clean usable life-enhancing energy again.)

Sweep up as much of that stuff as you can with each and every incoming breath, blowtorch out that shower of bright sparks with your breath, deeply and softly breathed out as the flame of a blowtorch, and see how much more, with each breath out, you can fill the space around you with good released energy …

Continue for some minutes, studying the effects you feel from doing this…

4. Breathe in not only through your feet but through whatever parts of your body come to your attention in this context….. Breathe in against the pull of the air having to come in through the tissues and cells of each such part, swirl up as much “noise” as you can with each breath in; blowtorch out as much released energy in bright hot spark-showers as you can, with each breath …

(You may find it interesting to make mental note of just which parts of your body do come to your attention in this context, for you to breathe in through and to thereby swirl up and remove even subliminal “noise” from….)

Continue for several minutes, studying the effects you feel from this pattern of breathing and imaging.

5. In the same manner, use your breath to breathe up and away whatever could have in the slightest stood between you and even more profound levels of relaxed awareness. Continue this breathing-goal for several minutes, studying the effects you feel from it …

(In the same manner, use your breath to sweep up and away any feeling of discomfort, whenever experienced and not just during these exercises. Throughout your life, make it a reflex to respond to any problem, discomfort, difficulty or distress by this deep, slow, calm, releasing, noise-removal breathing. Emphasize breathing slowly when dealing with any distress … But first, before using this breathing on specific “targets” and problems, get in, over several sessions, a total of at least an hour’s worth of this type of breathing, emphasizing the clarity and pleasure aspects especially, to build your general comfort levels.)

For future reference—If and when you like: think back to some situation, relating to problems or difficulties or hurts you have experienced, and “breathe on it” in this manner, drawing up and away any static or negative feelings out of that experience, until you feel perfectly, wholly, comfortable while clearly recalling all aspects of that situation …. )

6. In the same manner, for several minutes before any task, creative work, schooling or performance of whatever nature, picture your goal for that activity and breathe up and away whatever could in the slightest have impeded full swift rich clean attainment of that goal—then go directly into that work and let fly!

7. In the same manner, breathe up and away whatever could in the slightest have impeded your clear, rich perception of beauty or of some insight ….

When We Are Fools to Ourselves

2008-06-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

Accessing our own higher mental processes is often difficult. Psychologists have found it easy to manipulate the reasons we give for decisions, judgements or actions. Worse than this, even when we’re not actively being manipulated, we regularly fool ourselves without the need of any encouragement.

But are these mistakes systematic in any way? Nisbett and Wilson (1977) provide five factors likely to have a huge effect on how accurately we report our own higher mental processes. These give us useful clues about when we’re most likely to be fooling ourselves.

1. Time

Many of our actions, thoughts and feelings are probably motivated by things that happened a long time ago. The problem is that over time we easily forget. Even things that only happened relatively recently may also pass quickly out of conscious thought, and so we don’t consider them potential motivators.

The reverse is also true. When cause and effect are close together we’ve got a much better chance of picking up on it.

2. Mechanics of judgements

Sometimes the mechanics of our thoughts are just plain weird. A good example is the study that found shoppers, when choosing their favourite from four identical pairs of stockings, were heavily biased towards the pair on the right (described here under ’shopping’).

There are all sorts of strange biases like this and they make it much harder for us to guess what’s going on in our own minds.

3. When nothing happens

Sometimes it’s of vital importance when nothing happens. For example if someone doesn’t like us they are usually not directly hostile, but they will often avoid showing friendly behaviours towards us. In this situation it’s hard to tell because an absence of something is difficult to spot.

Conversely it’s much easier to guess that someone doesn’t like us when they walk up and punch us on the nose. Then we get the message real quick.

4. Nonverbal

There’s all kinds of nonverbal behaviours that effect us. These include the exact type of smile we display, and even how we synchronise our body language with others.

But because nonverbal behaviours are much less likely to be consciously noticed, they are far less likely to be thought the cause of our thoughts or behaviour than, say, a direct statement or act.

This fact probably helps to explain why we sometimes only get a vague feeling that a person doesn’t like us. This information will often be primarily conveyed through their body language which we only process unconsciously.

5. Mismatch between cause and effect

Sometimes great effects are produced by tiny causes. Think of the metaphor used to explain Chaos Theory about the proverbial butterfly flapping its wings over China causing a huge storm in another part of the world.

Intuitively these sorts of explanations don’t appeal to us. Great effects should have great causes. Because of this we’re likely to miss the connection between cause and effect when there is a mismatch in size.

Road to self-knowledge

Knowing about each of these biases is more than abstractly interesting, it is genuinely helpful in everyday life. It is sometimes easy to form the impression that we know the reasons for the things we do and think. Continually feeding this misapprehension is our need to feel in control of ourselves.

In fact, as this series of posts shows, there are a whole variety of situations where we have little or no clue what’s going on in our minds. While it’s not always beneficial to announce to other people we have no clue why we made a particular decision or performed a particular act, it’s extremely useful to admit this to ourselves. Or, at the very least, to be sceptical about the reasons we attribute to our thoughts and behaviours.

http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/12/when-we-are-fool-to-ourselves.php

Schopenhauer’s Extreme Self-Help for Pessimists

2008-06-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

“The worst is yet to come.” — Schopenhauer

German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer was such an extreme pessimist that he thought we live in the worst of all possible worlds and happiness is an illusion. This is what makes it surprising that he wrote a best-selling book containing a self-help section. And yet he did. Although calling it self-help is somewhat misleading; the main aim of his advice was really reducing misery.

Yup, old Arthur was full of fun.

Schopenhauer’s advice is interesting because it is so incredibly contrarian. Pessimists, though, recognise a kindred spirit when they hear his views of people and the world we live in. Perhaps his recommendations for living have the potential to be useful for those who would normally run a mile from advice on how to be happy.

Schalkx and Bergsma (in press), in an article to be published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, argue that it is possible to evaluate Schopenhauer’s advice by comparing it with modern psychological findings on life satisfaction.

To do this they first examine Schopenhauer’s advice, which can be split into three parts. First are his general rules for life, second, how we should manage our relationship with ourselves and, third, how to manage our relationships with others.

General rules for life

In short the key to making life bearable for Schopenhauer was simply this: extremely low expectations.

This piece of advice flows naturally from Schopenhauer’s philosophical position. Like Greek philosopher Epicurus, Schopenhauer thought that happiness was the absence of pain, frustration and dissatisfaction. He was a kind of extreme hedonist (see my post on Epicurus for the meaning of hedonism here).

We live, thought Schopenhauer, in the worst of all possible worlds, constantly on the brink of destruction. Our will, or our desires, are continually demanding things from the world that cannot always be satisfied. And so we are continually frustrated.

Even when our desires are satisfied it will only be brief. This satisfaction will then lead to an increase in our desires and, ultimately, to boredom when our desires are finally exhausted.

Life, then, is suffering (an idea well-known to Buddhists). The answer for Schopenhauer was not to seek happiness, but to try and get through life with the minimum of suffering. His goal was for a bearable life.

Our relationship with ourselves

Here are some practical suggestions Schopenhauer put forward for managing ourselves:

Live in the present, making it as painless as possible.
Make good use of the only thing we can control, our own minds.
Our personality is central to our level of happiness.
Set limits everywhere: limits on anger, desires, wealth and power. Limitations lead to something like happiness.
Accept misfortunes: only dwell on them if we’re responsible.
Seek out solitude, other people rob us of our identities.
Keep busy.

Our relationship with others

For Schopenhauer relationships with others are mainly sources of stress and hurt. As far as he was concerned true friendship is a near impossibility. As a result his advice is mostly aimed at protecting us from the inevitable damage other people will cause us:

People are selfish: they are easily flattered and easily offended. Their opinions can be bought and sold for the right price. Because of this friendship is usually motivated by self-interest.
Behaving with kindness towards others causes them to be arrogant: therefore other people must be treated with some disregard.
Displaying your intelligence makes you incredibly unpopular: people don’t like to be reminded of their inferiority.
Truly exceptional people prefer to be on their own because ordinary people are annoying.
Accept that the world is filled with fools, they cannot change and neither can you.

It’s no coincidence that Schopenhauer spent 27 years living alone except for a series of poodles called Atma and Butzas as his only form of company. (For a modern version of Schopenhauer, watch the character ‘Greg House’ in ‘House M.D.‘, or, for sci-fi buffs, Marvin the Paranoid Android).

What Schopenhauer got right

Nowadays, of course, psychological research tells us a lot more about the conditions of happiness in the modern world. So how does Schopenhauer’s advice stack up? Schalkx and Bergsma (in press) argue that a couple of Schopenhauer’s self-help principles do indeed stand the test of time.

1. Don’t seek wealth
Good, well done Schopenhauer, more money doesn’t necessarily equal more happiness.

2. Personality is crucial
Again, tick, well done Schopenhauer. As much as 50% of our happiness levels are genetically preset.

What Schopenhauer got wrong

Unfortunately for Schopenhauer, that’s all the good news. The rest, when compared to modern findings, was often wrong:

1. Don’t seek status
Probably wrong. Studies often find correlations between higher status and higher levels of happiness.

2. Avoid people
Definitely wrong. Social bonds are highly correlated with happiness.

3. Don’t get married
Probably wrong. Like Epicurus, Schopenhauer wasn’t a fan of marriage, or living with a partner. But modern research shows that living with someone probably makes us happier - it certainly doesn’t do us any harm, on average (Bergsma, Poot & Liefbroer, in press).

4. Avoid problems
Mostly wrong. Setting goals and following our dreams both involve dealing with the world and overcoming problems. Having very low expectations and avoiding trouble probably result in failing to achieve. Research finds that goal-setting and facing and overcoming problems are associated with happiness.

Does Schopenhauer’s advice benefit the extreme pessimist?

As you’ll have gathered, Schopenhauer was the kind of chap who always thought the glass was half-empty. Modern psychology shows that pessimism has some negative consequences, for example having lower well-being and being seen in a negative light by others. On the other hand optimists have all sorts of advantages, like faster recovery from negative events.

But as Schopenhauer pointed out, people are different and, to a certain extent, we’re stuck with the way we are. So while Schopenhauer’s approach might not suit the ‘average’ person, perhaps it might suit people who are like Schopenhauer?

This question is difficult to answer mainly because, in the light of modern research, Schopenhauer’s advice about being distrustful and avoiding other people is completely counter-intuitive. Indeed, Schalkx and Bergsma argue that most of Schopenhauer’s advice probably isn’t much good, even for other people like him.

Do the opposite

Like Epicurus, though, we have to give Schopenhauer a certain amount of latitude because we are taking his advice out of its historical context. Nevertheless when we compare his advice with modern psychology, most of it is misguided. The few points that he does get right are mainly in the section on our relationships with ourselves. We’re probably better off doing the exact opposite of what Schopenhauer recommends, pessimist or not.

http://www.spring.org.uk/200 8/01/schopenhauers-extreme-self-help-for.php

What is Happiness?

2008-06-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

Because happiness is something most of us aim for, how we define it has important implications for how we conduct our lives. To see why, compare these two competing definitions of happiness:

1. Happiness is all about minimising pain and maximising pleasure.
The underlying idea here is that there is a kind of mathematics of happiness. Imagine if on our deathbeds we were able to add up all the moments of pleasure in our lives and then all the moments of pain. The amount by which the pleasures exceeded the pains would tell us how happy we were during our lives.

2. Happiness is satisfaction with life as a whole.
On the surface this looks like the same idea but actually it’s completely different. Consider the case of Clea Koff, a forensic anthropologist who spent nine years working in Rwanda, digging up the remains of people killed in the 1994 genocide (Bergsma, In press). While this was clearly a gruesome task that would have given most people nightmares, afterwards she explained that the work was meaningful, which made it worthwhile. For Koff, then, happiness was satisfaction that she had done the right thing with her life.

Pleasure and pain

The first definition of happiness is perhaps the one most associated with hedonism, and one that is implicitly accepted by many people. But I think the second definition is much better because it makes room for the idea that we give meaning to the things we do.

Happiness is not just a headlong charge towards whatever makes us feel pleasure, it is about finding satisfaction in ourselves and in what we have done. Even when what we have done has been painful, like Clea Koff’s work.

Examining Human Behaviour: Learn About Quandaries

2008-06-08T05:09:00.003-07:00

How many times during an ordinary day, do so many of us repeat actions even though they are illogical and irrational? Sometimes we might laugh when a friend commits such an error of judgment or just an action that cannot be explained. This article will focus on a combination of some of these actions. I have compiled a list of such actions that are so common that I would be surprised if every man or woman does not do at least ten of the following twenty. Don’t believe me? Read and check for yourself.

1) Why does the glue in a tube not stick to the tube itself?

2 ) Academic research has detailed reports stating that from a group of four men or women one will most certainly have a mental ailment of some kind or the other. Think about this calculation: if you have three normal friends, then you, unfortunately are the fourth one out. In other words, the fourth person with a mental illness is none other than you.

3) If you have either a television or a Video Receiver or a DVD or anything that needs a remote controller, this odd behaviour is familiar. Have you noticed that whenever the batteries begin to get dull, we press down harder? Are we expecting to squeeze more out of them?

4) Watched old (and even newer descriptions in film) about Tarzan. If he is supposed to be living in the wild, what happened to his beard?

5) Switched those bulbs that are enclosed in tight plastic shutters? Have you noticed that whenever you go to do that there are always dead bugs inside? How did they manage to get there?

6) Still use plastic bags instead of the more nature-friendly paper ones? Ok. Then, pray tell, why can’t I ever manage to open one on my 1st attempt?

7) Why do they use sterilized needles when injecting a convict on death role?

Have you noticed that if your bank account gets overdrawn, your bank will add an extra charge? Why do they do that? Should you maybe inform them that the reason your checkings account is overdrawn is because you don’t have money?

9) Why doesn’t anyone ever make fun of their father-in-law?

10) If people run into a sign near a park bench saying that the paint is wet, every one will touch it to check. If this is so, why don’t these same folk verify the star count of around four billion stars so stated according to various scientists?

11) How many times will be keep coming back and opening the door to the fridge when we are hungry? Do we really think that food will appear there miraculously?

12) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks if after the bullets are over the gun is thrown at him?

13) I’m sure you’ve heard of the evolutionary claim that mankind has evolved from monkeys. Before I am to believe this, I want to know that if this is so why are monkeys still roaming earth?

14) If you are sitting by a table and something is accidentally falling off, don’t try and prevent its fall. Why? Every time you try, you will accidentally hit and break something else.

15) Heard of the Jap airplane pilots who towards the end of the Second World War crashed their planes into American naval ships? Why did these guys even think of wearing a helmet?

16) Use a vacuum cleaner at home? I do. But, explain to me why I move it over and over a piece of thread in the hopes that it will suck it in. Then, why do I pick up that rope, examine it and then place it back down and retry to suck it in using the vacuum cleaner?

17) A visit to one of the many soap shops that have sprung up all over and you’ll find that soaps come in all kinds of colours. But then, why does the bubbles always turn out white?

18) Why do we always try and get the house to be as warm as it was in summer even though we suffered from the heat in summer?

19) Is there any day when mattresses are not on sale?

20) Isn’t it silly that when if wandering through one of the large shopping malls someone doesn’t pay attention and the cart they are pushing smacks into your toes, and then they say sorry, all we can think of saying is that no harm was done while your toe is aching.

Conclusion: There are many more than the above twenty funny odd and strange details of a human being’s life, and I am always looking for more. Sometimes, just by traveling by bus you can notice so many oddities such as why do people pick up newspapers left behind on bus seats but never from anywhere else? Life is more than just funny. It is sometimes strange, sometimes ludicrous, sometimes tragic. Above, I have pointed out some of the most humourous I could think of.

By: Rammy Johnson

Mental Self-Defense Strategies

2008-06-08T05:09:00.002-07:00

I have designed some activities to build self-esteem that I would like to share from a series of lessons I am designing on “mental self-defense strategies”. Dream Busters ~ Recognizing Resistance~

We have all suffered some forms of conflict or abuse in our lives. But here’s what I discovered: it is how we react to that abuse that will strengthen or weaken us. Everyone has dreams, right? How many of us have had a dream kicked to the curb? Can you remember what you wanted to be? Or do you have a dream right now tucked away in the back of your mind?

Have you ever been convinced to walk away from your dream by people who managed to throw enough self doubt at you to win that war of attrition; the constant day in and day out negative input that pushes you to give up your dreams and conform to something you’re not! “What are you nuts? You can’t do that!” “Oh there’s another hair brained scheme!” “Get Real! Go get a real job!” “Who do you think you are? You aren’t something special, stick to the things you can handle.” ” What are you stupid or something? Why do you think you can do that?” Lambasting you with negativity and giving you the message ” Who are you to become an author, or an inventor, or any number of other things your dreams may lead you to?” The litany goes on and on. Often the words that sting the most come from the people closest to us, I once heard that negative words were sixteen times more powerful than positive words and especially if they come from people you love. Many of us have heard similar comments from our own families. And remember that “family” is not just relatives but our closest circle of influence, the people that influence you the most in your life on a day-to-day basis.

We must learn how to reinforce our mental immune systems. As you are just opening up to re-affirming and re-discovering your dreams it is important not to leave yourself open to Dream Busting attacks. Often when you are in the early creative process you want to share that with the people closest to you, but too many times you get shot down by those around you and are stopped before you even get started. We already have to deal with our own internal dream busters, voices from our past that can wreak havoc in our present.

It is amazing how many of us constantly go through life creating speaking and thinking negative affirmations all day long to ourselves, “I always do that, I’m so stupid, etc.” causing our ill emotional and mental states, yet we often have such an aversion to the idea that positive affirmations will have the same impact (but in the desired direction.) Pessimism and negativity are a much more accepted form of self-talk. Recognizing it can be difficult. Sometimes it takes the form of a mental pause where suddenly you start to doubt yourself, and your dream seems to waver. Perhaps you start to wonder about your own ability.

Become aware of this and catch it at that moment, realize that it is a trigger. Learn to recognize when you are being “infected” by those around you by noticing those moments of self-doubt when they arise. It is here that the use of positive affirmations can be very useful. Often we may find that our three biggest enemies are “Me, Myself and I.” Basically the limitations that get dumped on us from an early age get internalized so we then have to deal with internal as well as external “Dream Busters.”

Activities To Build Self-Esteem: Exercise 1: Write down the 3 top Dream Busting phrases that really get to you, that make you contemplate kicking your dream to the curb, it is different for everyone, but usually there is at least one that just sticks in your craws so to speak.

Exercise 2: Write down the 3 top Dream Busters in your life (people who just don’t get it, they could be trying to “help” but are only harming, or, as unfortunately can often be the case, they may be malicious and just trying to knock you down). These are usually the source of the phrases you came up with in the first exercise. Who says those things to you, where do they come from? Or if it is internal, where did it come from originally? The point of the exercise is to begin to recognize Dream Busters in all forms so you can build up defenses to counteract their influence in your life.

Exercise 3: Now finally, take a good hard look at these sources that you have written down and ask yourself, are these people where you want to be? Have they accomplished what you dream about doing? I will tell you now that the answer to that question is most often a resounding no! You can’t learn how to swim from a drowning man. Think about this: are these people who really have something to offer, or just people with so much to say and nothing to offer themselves?

You are a power unto yourself, and nobody can truly take that away. It is only when we allow other people power over our dreams that we hand over the keys to our future.

By: Lyca Shan

37 Stress Management Tips

2008-06-08T05:09:00.001-07:00

Stress is a fact of life, but being stressed out is not. We don’t always have control over what happens to us, says Allen Elkin, Ph.D., director of the Stress Management Counseling Center in New York City, and yet, that doesn’t mean we have to react to a difficult, challenging situation by becoming frazzled or feeling overwhelmed or distraught. Being overly anxious is not just a mental hazard; it’s a physical one too. The more stressed out we are the more vulnerable we are to colds, flu, and a host of chronic or life-threatening illnesses. And the less open we are to the beauty and pleasure of life. For your emotional and bodily benefit, we’ve consulted experts and come up with 37 easy, natural alternatives to anxiety. Enjoy!

1. Breathe Easily
“Breathing from your diaphragm oxygenates your blood, which helps you relax almost instantly,” says Robert Cooper, Ph.D., the San Francisco coauthor of The Power of 5 (Rodale Press, 1996), a book of five-second and five-minute health tips. Shallow chest breathing, by contrast, can cause your heart to beat faster and your muscles to tense up, exacerbating feelings of stress. To breathe deeply, begin by putting your hand on your abdomen just below the navel. Inhale slowly through your nose and watch your hand move out as your belly expands. Hold the breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. Repeat several times.

2. Visualize Calm
It sounds New Age-y, but at least one study, done at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, has found that it’s highly effective in reducing stress. Dr. Cooper recommends imagining you’re in a hot shower and a wave of relaxation is washing your stress down the drain. Gerald Epstein, M.D., the New York City author of Healing Visualizations (Bantam Doubleday Dell Press, 1989), suggests the following routine: Close your eyes, take three long, slow breaths, and spend a few seconds picturing a relaxing scene, such as walking in a meadow, kneeling by a brook, or lying on the beach. Focus on the details — the sights, the sounds, the smells.

3. Make Time for a Mini Self-Massage
Maria Hernandez-Reif, Ph.D., of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine, recommends simply massaging the palm of one hand by making a circular motion with the thumb of the other. Or use a massage gadget. The SelfCare catalog offers several, such as the S-shaped Tamm unit, that allow you to massage hard-to-reach spots on your back. For a free catalog, call 800-345-3371 or go to www.selfcare.com.

4. Try a Tonic
A study at Duke University in Durham, NC, found homeopathy effective in quelling anxiety disorders. Look for stress formulas such as Nerve Tonic (from Hyland) or Sedalia (from Boiron) in your health food store, or consult a licensed homeopath. To find one near you, contact the National Center for Homeopathy, 801 North Fairfax St., Suite 306, Alexandria, VA 22314; 703-548-7790 or go to www.healthy.net/nch/.

5. Say Cheese
Smiling is a two-way mechanism. We do it when we’re relaxed and happy, but doing it can also make us feel relaxed and happy. “Smiling transmits nerve impulses from the facial muscles to the limbic system, a key emotional center in the brain, tilting the neurochemical balance toward calm,” Dr. Cooper explains. Go ahead and grin. Don’t you feel better already?

6. Do Some Math
Using a scale of one to 10, with one being the equivalent of a minor hassle and 10 being a true catastrophe, assign a number to whatever it is that’s making you feel anxious. “You’ll find that most problems we encounter rate somewhere in the two to five range — in other words, they’re really not such a big deal,” says Dr. Elkin.

7. Stop Gritting Your Teeth
Stress tends to settle in certain parts of our bodies, the jaw being one of them. When things get hectic, try this tip from Dr. Cooper: Place your index fingertips on your jaw joints, just in front of your ears; clench your teeth and inhale deeply. Hold the breath for a moment, and as you exhale say, “Ah-h-h-h,” then unclench your teeth. Repeat a few times.

8. Compose a Mantra
Devise an affirmation — a short, clear, positive statement that focuses on your coping abilities. “Affirmations are a good way to silence the self-critical voice we all carry with us that only adds to our stress,” Dr. Elkin says. The next time you feel as if your life is one disaster after another, repeat 10 times, “I feel calm. I can handle this.”

9. Check Your Chi
Qigong (pronounced chee-gong) is a 5,000-year-old Chinese practice designed to promote the flow of chi, the vital life force that flows throughout the body, regulating its functions. Qigong master Ching-Tse Lee, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Brooklyn College in New York, recommends this calming exercise: Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel. Bend your knees to a quarter-squat position (about 45 degrees) while keeping your upper body straight. Observe your breathing for a couple of breaths. Inhale and bring your arms slowly up in front of you to shoulder height with your elbows slightly bent. Exhale, stretching your arms straight out. Inhale again, bend your elbows slightly and drop your arms down slowly until your thumbs touch the sides of your legs. Exhale one more time, then stand up straight.

10. Be a Fighter
“At the first sign of stress, you often hear people complain, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’” says Dr. Cooper. The trouble is, feeling like a victim only increases feelings of stress and helplessness. Instead, focus on being proactive. If your flight gets canceled, don’t wallow in self-pity. Find another one. If your office is too hot or too cold, don’t suffer in silence. Call the building manager and ask what can be done to make things more comfortable.

11. Put It on Paper
Writing provides perspective, says Paul J. Rosch, M.D., president of the American Institute of Stress in Yonkers, NY. Divide a piece of paper into two parts. On the left side, list the stressors you may be able to change, and on the right, list the ones you can’t. “Change what you can,” Dr. Rosch suggests, “and stop fretting over what you can’t.”

12. Count to 10
Before you say or do something you’ll regret, step away from the stressor and collect yourself, advises Dr. Cooper. You can also look away for a moment or put the caller on hold. Use your time-out to take a few deep breaths, stretch, or recite an affirmation.

13. Switch to Decaf
Wean yourself slowly, or you might get a caffeine-withdrawal headache that could last for several days, cautions James Duke, Ph.D., the Fulton, MD, author of The Green Pharmacy (Rodale Press, 1997). Subtract a little regular coffee and add some decaf to your morning cup. Over the next couple of weeks, gradually increase the proportion of decaf to regular until you’re drinking all decaf. You should also consider switching from regular soft drinks to caffeine-free ones or sparkling mineral water.

14. Just Say No
Trying to do everything is a one-way ticket to serious stress. Be clear about your limits, and stop trying to please everyone all the time.

15. Take a Whiff
Oils of anise, basil, bay, chamomile, eucalyptus, lavender, peppermint, rose, and thyme are all soothing, say Kathy Keville and Mindy Green, coauthors of Aromatherapy: A Complete Guide to the Healing Art (Crossing Press, 1995). Place a few pieces of rock salt in a small vial, then add a couple of drops of the oil of your choice (the rock salt absorbs the oil and is much less risky to carry around in your purse than a bottle of oil). Open the vial and breathe in the scent whenever you need a quick stress release. Look for the oils in your local health food store, or try one of the following mail-order companies: Aroma-Vera, 5901 Rodeo Rd., Los Angeles, CA 90016, 800-669-9514; or Leydet Aromatics, P.O. Box 2354, Fair Oaks, CA 95628, 916-965-7546.

16. Warm Up
Try this tip from David Sobel, M.D., in San Jose, CA, author of The Healthy Mind, Healthy Body Handbook (I S H K Book Service, 1997) : Rub your hands together vigorously until they feel warm. Then cup them over your closed eyes for five seconds while you breathe deeply. The warmth and darkness are comforting.

17. Say Yes to Pressure
Acupressure stimulates the same points as acupuncture, but with fingers instead of needles. Michael Reed Gach, Ph.D., director of the Acupressure Institute in Berkeley, CA, recommends pressing on the following three points:

The Third Eye, located between the eyebrows, in the indentation where the bridge of the nose meets the forehead.

The Heavenly Pillar, on the back of the neck slightly below the base of the skull, about half an inch to the left or right of the spine.

The Heavenly Rejuvenation, half an inch below the top of each shoulder, midway between the base of the neck and the outside of the shoulder blade.

Breathe deeply and apply firm, steady pressure on each point for two to three minutes. The pressure should cause a mild aching sensation, but not pain.

18. Schedule Worry Time
Some stressors demand immediate attention — a smoke alarm siren or a police car’s whirling red light. But many low-grade stressors can be dealt with at a later time, when it’s more convenient. “File them away in a little mental compartment, or make a note,” Dr. Elkin says, “then deal with them when the time is right. Don’t let them control you.”

19. Shake It Up
This quick exercise helps loosen the muscles in your neck and upper back, says Dr. Sobel: Stand or sit, stretch your arms out from your sides and shake your hands vigorously for about 10 seconds. Combine this with a little deep breathing, Dr. Sobel says, and you’ll do yourself twice as much good.

20. Munch Some Snacks
Foods that are high in carbohydrates stimulate the release of serotonin, feel-good brain chemicals that help induce calm, says Dr. Cooper. Crackers, pretzels, or a bagel should do the trick.

21. Boost Your Vitamin Intake
Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of Food and Mood (Owl Books, 1999), in Salem, OR, recommends that women take a daily multivitamin and mineral formula that contains between 100% and 300% of the recommended dietary allowances of vitamin B, as well as the minerals calcium, magnesium, chromium, copper, iron, manganese, molybdenum, selenium and zinc. Avoid stress formulas, which often contain large amounts of randomly formulated nutrients, such as the B vitamins, but little or nothing else, Somer says.

22. Get Horizontal
If sex has been on the bottom of your to-do list for too long, move it to the top. Sex increases levels of endorphins, those mood-boosting chemicals in the brain, and it’s one of the best total-body relaxers around, says Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Sacramento, CA. Make a date with your mate, and don’t let anything get in the way.

23. Admit It
Each of us has uniquely individual stress signals — neck or shoulder pain, shallow breathing, stammering, teeth gritting, queasiness, loss of temper. Learn to identify yours, then say out loud, “I’m feeling stressed,” when they crop up, recommends Dr. Rosch. Recognizing your personal stress signals helps slow the buildup of negativity and anxiety.

24. Space Out
Look out the window and find something natural that captures your imagination, advises Dr. Sobel. Notice the clouds rolling by or the wind in the trees.

25. Try Tea
By now most of us know about the calming properties of chamomile tea. But a steaming cup of catnip, passionflower, skullcap or kava kava also work, according to Dr. Duke. Whether you use tea bags or loose tea (one teaspoon of tea per cup of boiling water), steep for about 10 minutes to get the full benefits of the herbs.

26. Take a Walk
It forces you to breathe more deeply and improves circulation, says Dr. Cooper. Step outside if you can; if that’s not possible, you can gain many of the same benefits simply by walking to the bathroom or water cooler, or by pacing back and forth. “The key is to get up and move,” Dr. Cooper says.

27. Soak it Up
“When I have the time, nothing is more stress relieving for me than a hot bath,” Dr. Weston says. “But when I don’t have time, I do the next-best thing: I wash my face or even just my hands and arms with hot water. The key is to imagine that I’m taking a hot bath. It’s basically a visualization exercise, but the hot water makes it feel real.”

28. Play a Few Bars
A number of recent studies have shown that music can do everything from slow heart rate to increase endorphins. Good bets: Bach’s “Air on the G-String,” Beethoven’s Pastorale symphony, Chopin’s Nocturne in G, Handel’s Water Music, or pianist George Winston’s CDs Autumn or December..

29. Fall for Puppy Love
In a study of 100 women conducted last year at the State University of New York at Buffalo, researchers found that those who owned a dog had lower blood pressure than those who didn’t. If you don’t have a pooch, visit a friend’s: Petting an animal for just a couple of minutes helps relieve stress, researchers have found.

30. Practice Mindfulness
Heighten your awareness of the moment by focusing intently on an object. Notice a pencil’s shape, color, weight and feel. Or slowly savor a raisin or a piece of chocolate. Mindfulness leads to relaxation.

31. Dial a Friend
Sharing your troubles can give you perspective, help you feel cared for and relieve your burden.

32. Stretch
Muscles tighten during the course of the day, and when we feel stressed out, the process accelerates. Stretching loosens muscles and encourages deep breathing. Molly Fox, creative fitness director at the Equinox Fitness Center in New York City, says one of the greatest stress-relieving stretches is a yoga position called the child pose, which stretches the back muscles. On a rug or mat, kneel, sit back on your heels, then lean forward and put your forehead on the floor and your arms alongside your legs, palms up. Hold for one to three minutes.

33. Say a Little Prayer
Studies show that compared with those who profess no faith, religious and spiritual people are calmer and healthier.

34. Make Plans
“Looking forward to something provides calming perspective,” Dr. Elkin says. Buy concert tickets, schedule a weekend getaway, or make an appointment for a massage.

35. Goof Off
It temporarily removes you from a potentially stressful situations. Esther Orioli, president of Essi Systems, a San Francisco consultant company that organizes stress-management programs, keeps a harmonica in the drawer for when she’s feeling stressed out. Bonus: Playing it promotes deep breathing.

36. Straighten Up
When people are under stress, they slump over as if they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. “Slumping restricts breathing and reduces blood and oxygen flow to the brain, adding to muscle tension and magnifying feelings of panic and helplessness,” Dr. Cooper explains. Straightening your spine has just the opposite effect. It promotes circulation, increases oxygen levels in your blood and helps lessen muscle tension, all of which promote relaxation.

37. Tiptoe Through the Tulips
Tending your garden helps get you out of your head and lets you commune with nature, a known stress reliever. If you’re not a gardener, tend to a houseplant. Plants = growth = cycle of life, a nice reminder that stress, too, will pass.

http://www.rd.com /content/37-stress-management-tips/1/

Psychology - The Study of the Human Mind

2008-06-08T05:08:00.001-07:00

Most of the answers of the questions that come to our minds during our daily lives are the subject of Psychology science. As the title suggests, it is the science of human mind and every human feeling concerns psychology. But it is not that simple. Being among the first science disciplines, psychology has many areas. Together with these areas, this article deals with the short history of psychology.

Why are children stubborn? Why do some people become addicted to alcohol or gambling? How do you help an abused child? All of these are difficult and challenging questions that the field of psychology is trying to answer.

So, then what exactly is psychology? There are many misperceptions created by television and movies today, but the basic answer is that psychology is both an applied and academic science that studies the human mind and behavior. Research in psychology seeks to understand and explain thought, emotion, and behavior. Psychology is applied to individuals via mental health treatment, performance enhancement, self-help, ergonomics, and many other areas affecting health and daily life.

Psychology History and Schools of Thought

While people have always been fascinated by human behavior, it wasn’t until the late 19th century that psychology began to be considered an actual science. Wilhelm Wundt established the first psychology lab in Germany. He believed in a school of thought called structuralism-believing that certain structures in the mind caused behavior. Over the course of psychology’s history, different schools of thought have competed for prominence. Here are the major schools of thought in psychology:

•Structuralism. The belief that there is a connection between sensation and emotion and behavior.

•Functionalism. The idea that the human brain is much like a computer, designed to carry out specific functions.

•Psychoanalysis. Created by Sigmund Freud, this school of thought believes in the rigorous probing of an individual’s personal problems, motives, goals and attitudes as a way to heal the mind.

•Behaviorism. Proponents of this theory essentially hold that all human behavior is learned from one’s surrounding context and environment.

•Humanism. This much more recent school of thought came as a reaction to behaviorism and Psychoanalysis, and emphasizes the importance of values, intentions, and meaning in the individual. The concept of the “self” is a central focus for most humanistic psychologists.

•Cognitivism. This branch of psychology believes that psychology should be concerned with a person’s internal representations of the world and with the internal or functional organization of the mind.

As psychology moved away from its philosophical roots, psychologists began to employ more and more scientific methods to study human behavior. Today, researchers employ a variety of scientific methods, including experiments, correlational studies, longitudinal studies, and others to test, explain, and predict behavior.

Areas of Psychology

Students of psychology soon realize that the subject covers a huge range of material. The diverse topics students might study include social behavior, personality, research methods, therapeutic techniques, and much more. Because it’s such a broad and diverse field, a number of different subfields and specialty areas have emerged. The following are some of the major areas of research and application within psychology:

•Abnormal Psychology is the study of abnormal behavior. This specialty area is focused on research and treatment of a variety of mental disorders and is linked to psychotherapy and clinical psychology.

•Biological Psychology studies how biological processes influence the mind and behavior. This area is closely linked to neuroscience and utilizes tools such as MRI and PET scans to look at brain injury or brain abnormalities.

•Clinical Psychology is focused on the assessment, diagnosis, and treatment of mental disorders.

•Cognitive Psychology is the study of human thought processes and cognitions. Cognitive psychologists study topics such as attention, memory, perception, decision-making, problem solving, and language acquisition.

•Comparative Psychology is the branch of psychology concerned with the study of animal behavior.

•Developmental Psychology is the branch of psychology that looks at human growth and development over the lifespan.

•Forensic Psychology is an applied field focused on using psychological research and principles in the legal and criminal justice system.

•Industrial-Organizational Psychology is the area of psychology that uses psychological research to enhance work performance, select employee, improve product design, and enhance usability.

•Personality Psychology looks at the various elements that make up individual personalities.

•School Psychology is the branch of psychology that works within the educational system to help children with emotional, social, and academic issues.

•Social Psychology is a discipline that uses scientific methods to study social influence, social perception, and social interaction. Social psychology studies diverse subjects including group behavior, social perception, leadership, nonverbal behavior, conformity, aggression, and prejudice.

Today, psychologists prefer to use more objective scientific methods to understand, explain, and predict human behavior. Psychological studies are highly structured, beginning with a hypothesis that is then empirically tested. Academic psychologists focus on the study of different sub-topics within psychology including personality psychology, social psychology, and developmental psychology. These psychologists conduct basic research that seeks to expand our theoretical knowledge, while other researchers conduct applied research that seeks to solve everyday problems. Applied psychology focuses on the use of different psychological principles to solve real world problems. Examples of applied areas of psychology include forensic psychology, ergonomics, and industrial-organizational psychology. Many other psychologists work as therapists, helping people overcome mental, behavioral, and emotional disorders.

Psychology is a broad and diverse field with a variety of related professions. If you are considering studying psychology, you are pursuing one of the most important and basic of the human sciences. You can expect to have a long, satisfying, and fascinating career if psychology is your field.

http://www.psychologymajors .com/psychology-the-study-of-the-human-mind

101 ways to cope with stress

2008-06-08T04:58:00.000-07:00

Stress is the most common daily psycological problem for all of us. But there are a lot of ways to cope with stress. Here is a list of 101 ways to cope with stress:

Get up 15 minutes earlier
Prepare for the morning the night before
Avoid tight fitting clothes
Avoid relying on chemical aids
Set appointments ahead
Don’t rely on your memory … write it down
Practice preventive maintenance
Make duplicate keys
Say “no” more often
Set priorities in your life
Avoid negative people
Use time wisely
Simplify meal times
Always make copies of important papers
Anticipate your needs
Repair anything that doesn’t work properly
Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
Break large tasks into bite size portions
Look at problems as challenges
Look at challenges differently
Unclutter your life
Smile
Be prepared for rain
Tickle a baby
Pet a friendly dog/cat
Don’t know all the answers
Look for a silver lining
Say something nice to someone
Teach a kid to fly a kite
Walk in the rain
Schedule play time into every day
Take a bubble bath
Be aware of the decisions you make
Believe in yourself
Stop saying negative things to yourself
Visualize yourself winning
Develop your sense of humor
Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
Have goals for yourself
Dance a jig
Say “hello” to a stranger
Ask a friend for a hug
Look up at the stars
Practice breathing slowly
Learn to whistle a tune
Read a poem
Listen to a symphony
Watch a ballet
Read a story curled up in bed
Do a brand new thing
Stop a bad habit
Buy yourself a flower
Take time to small the flowers
Find support from others
Ask someone to be your “vent-partner”
Do it today
Work at being cheerful and optimistic
Put safety first
Do everything in moderation
Pay attention to your appearance
Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
Stretch your limits a little each day
Look at a work of art
Hum a jingle
Maintain your weight
Plant a tree
Feed the birds
Practice grace under pressure
Stand up and stretch
Always have a plan “B”
Learn a new doodle
Memorize a joke
Be responsible for your feelings
Learn to meet your own needs
Become a better listener
Know your limitations and let others know them, too
Tell someone to have a good day in pig Latin
Throw a paper airplane
Exercise every day
Learn the words to a new song
Get to work early
Clean out one closet
Play patty cake with a toddler
Go on a picnic
Take a different route to work
Leave work early (with permission)
Put air freshener in your car
Watch a movie and eat popcorn
Write a note to a far away friend
Go to a ball game and scream
Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
Recognize the importance of unconditional love
Remember that stress is an attitude
Keep a journal
Practice a monster smile
Remember you always have options
Have a support network of people, places and things
Quit trying to fix other people
Get enough sleep
Talk less and listen more
Freely praise other people BONUS: Relax, take each day at a time…you have the rest of your life to live!

Resource: http://honolulu.hawaii.edu/intranet/committees/FacDevCom/guidebk/teachtip/101way

What is Forensic Psychology? It’s Not Silence of the Lambs!

2008-06-08T04:57:00.000-07:00

by Matthew T. Huss - Creighton University Fields of Psychology

Forensic psychology is one of the fastest growing areas of psychology as suggested both by an increase in the practice of clinical psychology within our legal system and the increasing interest expressed by undergraduate and graduate students. However, students often become interested in the field because of sensationalistic media portrayals that may not be accurate nor offer realistic employment opportunities. Students may become disheartened to learn that certain media depictions are less than realistic but should be excited to learn about the real possibilities forensic psychology has to offer. This article will attempt to describe the field of forensic psychology, identify possible careers, and suggest relevant training opportunities.

It’s difficult to turn on a television, go to the movies, or walk through a bookstore without running across a fictional portrayal of a crazed but brilliant serial or mass murderer being tracked by a psychologically sophisticated and deductively sound hero. Popular movies such as Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal and television shows like Profiler often depict the intersection of law enforcement and psychology in sensationalistic and dramatic fashion. If you watch the news or read a newspaper you can hear about the psychological “sketch” offered by a forensic psychologist in the latest Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Kaczynski, or Michael McDermott trial. Our society has become increasingly fascinated with individuals who seemingly are able to perpetrate the most heinous crimes imaginable. Now is this stuff interesting?
Sure it is! Similar things got me interested in forensic psychology! We are horrified but drawn to these scenes much like we are drawn to the aftermath of a car accident. Are these depictions accurate? Probably not. Are they accurate depictions of forensic psychology? Almost never. Forensic psychologists are not able to become psychically linked with a particular killer and visualize their next move as the heroes in the movies or on television seem to do. Forensic psychology is a discipline based on the scientific practice of psychology. So, while forensic psychologists get the cool jobs, they are far from the situations often portrayed.

So What is Forensic Psychology?

If someone told you he or she was a forensic psychologist, what would you think they do? Do they have something to do with the high school speech and debate team? Do they perform autopsies on homicide victims? If you are like most people, these thoughts probably immediately came to mind. However, the origin of the word forensic comes from the Latin word forum. Forums were the public gathering places in the Roman city-states where much of the judicial process took place in the form of debates. As a result, forensic psychology deals with the intersection of psychology and the legal process.
There continues to be debate in the field about the definition and breadth of the term forensic psychology. Some professionals apply the term broadly to describe any intersection of the legal system and psychology (Wrightsman, 2001). However, others use the term to specifically describe the clinical practice of psychology in legal contexts (e.g., Melton, Huss, & Tomkins, 1999). For example, the American Board of Forensic Psychology and the American Psychology-Law Society (1995) define forensic psychology as:

the professional practice by psychologists within the areas of clinical psychology, counseling psychology, neuropsychology, and school psychology, when they are engaged regularly as experts and represent themselves as such, in an activity primarily intended to provide professional psychological expertise to the judicial system. (p. 6)

Such a definition focuses the field on the mental health aspects of psychology and the law and away from the more experimental areas of jury selection and eyewitness identification. When I speak of forensic psychology, I will be focusing on the intersection of mental health, or the clinical practice of psychology, and the law. Moreover, when I speak of the law, I do not simply mean law enforcement but the legal process itself. Working with law enforcement is just one activity a forensic psychologist may undertake in a routine day.
Clinical psychologists are broadly concerned with the assessment and treatment of persons with mental disorders. They interact with people suffering from a variety of mental health problems ranging from the less severe (marital difficulties and adjustment problems) to the more severe (e.g., schizophrenia, posttraumatic stress disorder, major depression, or bipolar disorder). Clinical psychologists specializing in forensic psychology work with individuals who may present with a variety of mental illnesses and mental health issues within the context of the criminal or civil arenas of the law. Civil matters usually involve civil litigation in which a plaintiff usually brings forward a suit because they believe someone else has physically or emotionally injured them. Examples may include personal injury suits, civil commitment proceedings, child custody disputes, or workers’ compensation cases. Criminal areas of forensic psychology include those situations in which an individual has committed a crime against society. Examples that necessitate the involvement of a forensic psychologist may include pleading insanity, raising issues of competency to stand trial, assessment of future violence potential during sentencing, or treatment of sex offenders.

Careers in Forensic Psychology

So what can a forensic psychologist do besides track down the bad guys and hang out with “crazy” people who eat their relatives? Forensic psychologists can be employed in a variety of settings including jails, prisons, state hospitals, federal and local law enforcement agencies, community mental health centers, juvenile detention facilities, private practice, or colleges and universities. Forensic psychologists are likely to perform a myriad of roles in these settings that are only limited by time and imagination.
For example, let’s take a brief snapshot of the possible tasks a forensic psychologist may perform. Let’s say a man –we’ll call him Charlie–is accused of brutally murdering a family while they slept. Before he enters a plea, the court may be interested in whether Charlie possesses sufficient intellectual ability (i.e., is competent) to enter a plea (e.g., guilty or not guilty) at his initial arraignment. A forensic psychologist may be called to ascertain whether Charlie has sufficient cognitive ability to understand the nature of the charges against him and can assist in his defense. So, let’s assume the court finds Charlie competent to enter a plea and stand trial for the crime. Charlie may suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, and his defense attorney may be interested in using an insanity defense. Again, you might be asked to assess whether at the time of the crime Charlie was suffering from a mental illness that made it impossible for him to understand the quality of his actions or the difference between right and wrong. Assume the outcome did not go well for Charlie and he was convicted of the murders. Before the court decides whether to sentence him to a particular period of time behind bars, you might once again be asked to evaluate him regarding his potential for future violence. The court, in deciding his ultimate sentence, may take into consideration whether it is probable and under what conditions Charlie is likely to commit future violence. Finally, it appears that Charlie has been sentenced to serve his time in the same institution where you work. It is now your job to design and implement a treatment program for Charlie in order to stabilize him while he is incarcerated and improve his chances if he is ever released. It is not likely that a forensic psychologist would be involved in every aspect of this example case, but it does give you some idea of the possibilities.
It’s clear that with Charlie, forensic psychologists are asked to really get inside the mind of someone. You may have to assess an individual’s current cognitive and mental abilities. You may have to play detective and attempt to assess their mental status at some point in the past. You may even be asked to predict someone’s future behavior. How good of a job does your local meteorologist do at predicting whether it will rain tomorrow or not? Can you imagine how difficult it is to predict the behavior of a human being over the next 20 years of that individual’s life? However, it’s these challenges that offer the most excitement for students entering the field of forensic psychology.
One of the biggest enticements for students to become interested in forensic psychology is their interest in “criminal profiling.” The reality is that most law enforcement agencies do not use criminal profiling procedures, and those agencies that do use similar procedures are more likely to employ law enforcement personnel than they are to employ a forensic psychologist. Criminal profiling is much more of a law enforcement technique and art form than it is a scientific process (Wrightman, 2001). Students interested in these types of careers should have a broad interest in law enforcement and not simply intend to work as a profiler, because these employment opportunities are extremely rare. Again, the sensationalistic portrayals fall a little short of the reality. Criminal profiling was conceived out of years of law enforcement experience with serial offenders and is not rooted in psychological principles. Thus, most people who conduct “profiling” are law enforcement personnel who may or may not have formal training in the behavioral sciences. More importantly, many graduate programs in forensic psychology do not favorably evaluate applications from students whose sole interest is in criminal profiling.

Training in Forensic Psychology

There are almost as many ways to be trained in forensic psychology as there are possible tasks for forensic psychologists to perform. However, the first thing that should be noted is that in order to be a forensic psychologist you have to be a good clinical psychologist. Also, by saying clinical psychologist I mean someone who practices psychology in some sort of mental health setting, not simply someone who has received a graduate degree in clinical psychology (see Norcross, 2000, for the distinction between clinical and counseling psychology). What I mean is that in order to become a good clinical or practicing psychologist you need a basic understanding of psychopathology, clinical assessment, and psychotherapy. You need to be able to tell the difference between a criminal and a noncriminal. The best training programs allow you to gain experience with both. Students who are only interested in learning about forensic clients and are not interested in more traditional clinical psychology areas could have some difficulty succeeding in quality clinical or counseling psychology programs. However, there are certainly programs available that will allow you to focus on forensic populations while limiting your experience with nonforensic clients.
You may have already guessed that in order to obtain a career in forensic psychology you will probably need a graduate degree, either a master’s or a doctorate. You certainly might be able gain employment in an entry-level position at a forensic hospital or prison (e.g., psychological technician), but you will be very limited by your lack of education. As a result, a number of graduate programs are increasing their offering of forensic course work and practica (Bersoff et al., 1997). The number of programs specific to forensic psychology are also increasing at both the master’s and doctoral levels (Melton et al., 1999).
There are several master’s programs in forensic psychology at institutions such as Castleton State College, the University of Denver, John Jay College, Marymount University, and the Sage Colleges. Of course, these programs are likely to vary in quality and focus of their training. For example, some of these programs identify themselves as “forensic” psychology programs, but their focus is on the broader psycholegal field and not on the clinical practice of psychology. Students interested in forensic psychology should do a thorough job of investigating a program and asking difficult questions. How long does it take students to graduate from the program? Do graduates of the program obtain the types of jobs in which I am interested? What types of job placements or clinical practicum experiences are available? If you eventually want to obtain a PhD, is the program successful at placing students in quality PhD programs?
There also are a number of doctoral training programs at schools such as the University of Alabama, the University of Arizona, the University of Nebraska, Sam Houston State University, and Simon Fraser University, to name a few. A more comprehensive list of graduate programs in forensic psychology can be obtained by checking the American Psychology-Law Society website at www.unl.edu/ap-ls/gradp.htm and www.unl.edu/ap-ls/CAREERS.htm [WEBMASTER NOTE: This material can now be accessed at www.ap-ls.org/students/graduateIndex.html]. At the doctoral level, forensic programs can be very diverse. Programs may offer joint degrees in both clinical psychology (PhD or MA) and the law (JD or MLS) or simply offer specialized course work and clinical experience on the way to a PhD. It is certainly not necessary to receive a law degree in order to be a forensic psychologist. However, joint degree programs may offer some advantages to particular students. Melton et al. (1999) offer a more comprehensive discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of the different types of doctorate programs in forensic psychology.
Remember that in order to be a good forensic psychologist, you must first be a good clinical psychologist. In order to become a competent and successful forensic psychologist, you do not have to enter a forensic psychology program, though it is preferred. In fact, most forensic psychologists have not received their education in one of the select few forensic psychology programs. Obtaining admission to any APA-approved clinical or counseling doctoral program is an achievement! If you decide to pursue your training in a program that does not have a specific focus in forensics, you can obtain predoctoral training in forensically focused clinical placements. You can seek forensic training at forensic predoctoral internships such as with the Federal Bureau of Prisons or a number of mental hospitals around the country. There also are a number of postdoctoral fellowships that can be obtained after you have completed your PhD (see Bersoff et al., 1997, for a comprehensive list).

Conclusion

Simply put, forensic psychology is an awesome field! While you are probably not going to become like Special Agent Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs, there are a number of opportunities available for forensic psychologists. It’s hard for me to believe that my original interest has ultimately paid off, and I get to continually learn and teach about the things that I find so interesting and challenging. Furthermore, forensic psychology has not even approached its potential. The next generation of students has a very bright future ahead of them.

References

American Board of Forensic Psychology, & American Psychology-Law Society. (1995). Petition for the recognition of a specialty in professional psychology [Online]. Available: http://www.unl.edu/ap-ls/petition.PDF [WEBMASTER'S NOTE: Link no longer works]

Bersoff, D. N., Goodman-Delahunty, J., Grisso, J. T., Hans, V. P., Poythress, N. G., Jr., & Roesch, R. G. (1997). Training in law and psychology: Models from the Villanova Conference. American Psychologist, 52, 1301-1310.

Melton, G. B., Huss, M. T., & Tomkins, A. J. (1999). Training in forensic psychology and the law. In A. K. Hess & I. B. Weiner (Eds.), Handbook of forensic psychology (2nd ed., pp. 700-720). New York: Wiley.

Norcross, J. C. (2000, Fall). Clinical versus counseling psychology: What’s the diff? Eye on Psi Chi, 5, 20-22.

Wrightsman, L. S. (2001). Forensic psychology. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Matthew T. Huss (image)ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Matthew T. Huss, PhD, is an assistant professor at Creighton University in Omaha, Nebr. He earned his undergraduate degree at Creighton University, where he was inducted into Psi Chi. He earned his master’s degree in general - experimental psychology from Emporia State University and is a graduate of the Clinical Psychology Training Program (forensic emphasis) and the Law and Psychology Program at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. He currently teaches Introductory Psychology, Psychology and the Law, Forensic Psychology, and Abnormal Psychology, and is a coauthor of the chapter “Training in Forensic Psychology and the Law” published in Handbook of Forensic Psychology (Melton, Huss, & Tomkins, 1999). His research interests generally revolve around risk management in specific populations (e.g., domestic violence and sex offenders) and forensic psychology in general.

Psychology Degrees

2008-06-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

Psychology is a scientific subject. It is one of the most interesting subjects of Science. The name in itself explains what the subject is about. Psycho means the human mind / the human brain and logy means the theory or the logic.

The subject delves into the logic behind human mind / human brain. Our brain guides all the actions that we do and a study of this subject helps us to understand the human mind. It gives us a broad idea as to why do we behave in a particular way. Let us look into it in a little more detail and understand the importance of a psychology degree.

Salient Features of Psychology Degree

There are so many simple questions of life, about a human being, about ourselves, for which we would want an answer, but don?t have a concrete answer on the same. For e.g.

1. Why are children stubborn or for that matter every individual has a stubborn side to their personality?

2. How do we study and remember so many things at one time? ?

3. How do babies of few months learn things so very quickly? ?

4. Do animals understand our language and if yes how? ?

All these questions and many more can be answered by understanding the human mind, by understanding and evaluating how the mind is going to react after a particular action (Stimuli effect).

Psychology is a never-ending fascinating subject and has huge depths within it. A person studying psychology degree can never get bored of it, one of those subjects, which students would love to study.

Study Areas

Specialization can be achieved in following areas of Psychology study:

Clinical Psychology

Applied Social Psychology

Forensic Psychology

Health Psychology

Career Opportunities

A Psychology degree can open up lucrative career opportunities in Private sector (e.g. marketing, personnel management), public sector (e.g. teaching, social/community work)

http://www.uyas ar.org/articles/psychology-degrees/

Exercise Elevates Mood - Until And Unless You Stop

2008-06-08T04:55:00.002-07:00

A study of an elderly population of men and women has determined that while exercise improves mood, it has no long-lasting effects if it is stopped. “To reap the beneficial effects of exercise on mood, you have to continue to exercise,” says the study’s lead author, Donna Kritz-Silverstein, Ph.D., UCSD School of Medicine associate professor of family and preventive medicine. “Exercising now will not protect against a future depressed mood if you stop the exercise.”

Published in the March 15 issue of the American Journal of Epidemiology, the study reaffirms previous research about the beneficial effects of exercise on mood during the time frame that the exercise takes place.

However, individuals in the study who exercised in the 1980s but who were not exercising in the 1990s had lost the mood-enhancing benefits of exercise.
The researchers based their findings on 944 residents of the northern San Diego County community of Rancho Bernardo who were studied during two time periods, 1984-87 and 1992-95.

In the ’80s, the residents — non-depressed and physically able men and women between the ages of 50 and 89 — exercised at least three times a week. Their mood, which was measured by the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI), indicated that these individuals generally had a healthy, non-depressed mood.

The same individuals were followed in the ’90s, with those still exercising studied separately from those no longer exercising.

Those still exercising continued to have low BDI scores, indicating more positive mood and general well-being. On the other hand, the BDI scores of those no longer exercising had risen to levels similar to residents who had never exercised during the two-decade study.

“We determined that the increased age of the individuals was not a factor,” Kritz-Silverstein says. “We also looked at a group of elderly residents who had not exercised in the ’80s, but who began exercise in the ’90s. They had a less depressed mood in the ’90s and scores similar to those who were exercising continuously at both points in time.”

Kritz-Silverstein adds that the study results were somewhat unexpected. “We thought there could be a chance that people who exercised in the past would retain a level of enhanced mood, or lower depression, even though they no longer exercised.”

In addition to Kritz-Silverstein, the study authors were Elizabeth Barrett-Connor, M.D., and Catherine Corbeau, M.D.
The research was funded by a grant from the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK) and the National Institute of Aging (NIA).

Resource: http://www.unisci.com/stories/20011/0316012.htm

Experiences Beat Possessions: Why Materialism Causes Unhappiness

2008-06-08T04:55:00.001-07:00

Materialism is a dirty word. It also gets a bad rap in psychology. Studies consistently show that people who agree with statements like “You will buy things just because you want them,” tend to be:

Less satisfied with life,
Less happy,
More likely to be depressed,
More likely to be paranoid,
More likely to be narcissistic.

Not a pretty picture, right? But, just like studies examining the connection between success and happiness, many of the findings are correlational. As a result we can’t say for sure that materialism causes all these things, only that they’re associated. So, for better evidence, cue the experiment.

Experiential versus material purchases

Leaf Van Boven from the University of Colorado and Thomas Gilovich from Cornell University carried out an intriguing experiment that gets at this question of whether materialism results in less happiness (Van Boven & Gilovich, 2003).

They randomly divided students into two groups and gave each group slightly different instructions:

This group was asked to write a description of a material purchase that had made them happy. Material purchases include things like clothing, gadgets, computers and so on. This could be either something they had bought themselves or that had been bought for them.
The task this group had was only slightly different. They were asked to write a description of an experiential purchase that had given them pleasure. Examples of experiential purchases are meals out, admission tickets to concerts and travel.

To see how they were feeling in the moment, participants were given surreptitious measures both before and after writing these short descriptions. Then, after about a week, the same participants were given back their own descriptions of their purchases and asked to reflect on it. Again, they were asked to report on their feelings in the moment.

Comparing these two groups provided a way of comparing how participants felt about two different types of purchases. The results showed that participants felt better when they were contemplating their experiential purchases than their material purchases.

Thinking about experience

As a result of this experiment, Van Boven & Gilovich predicted that people spend more time overall contemplating their experiential rather than material purchases. To test this out they asked participants to think about experiential and material purchases they were particularly happy with. Then they were asked which they thought about more often. The results clearly showed it was the experiential purchases people thought about more often (83%).

Why do experiences fare better than possessions?

It seems, then, that at some level we understand that our experiential purchases give us more pleasure than our material purchases. But why is that? Van Boven (2005) suggests three reasons:

1. Experiences improve with time (possessions don’t).
The reason why experiences improve with time may be because it is possible to think about experiences in a more abstract manner than possessions. For example if you think back to a fantastic summer from your youth, you might easily remember an abstract sense of warm sunshine and exuberance, but you’re less likely to remember exactly what you did day-by-day. On a moment-by-moment basis you might have been quite bored, although you’ll tend not to remember that.

Material possessions are harder to think about in an abstract sense. The car you bought is still a car, that great new jacket you picked up cheap is still just a jacket. It’s more likely the experience of that summer has taken on a symbolic meaning that can live longer in your memory than a possession.

2. Experiences are resistant to unfavourable comparisons
It’s well established that social comparisons can have a huge effect on how we view what might seem like positive events. One striking example is the finding that people prefer to earn $50,000 a year while everyone else earns $25,000, instead of earning $100,000 themselves and having other people earn $200,000 (Solnick & Hemenway, 1998).

In other words it’s not about how much we earn, it’s about how much we earn in comparison to other people. It’s the social comparison, then, not the actual amount of money, that affects how we feel about our earnings.

A similar effect is seen for possessions. When there’s so many flatscreen HD TVs to choose from, it’s easy to make unfavourable comparisons between our choice and the others available (check out Barry Schwartz on why too much choice is bad for us).

Experience, however, seems to be more resistant to these sorts of unfavourable comparisons. To explain this phenomenon, Van Boven puts forward the idea that it is because of the unique nature of experience. It’s more difficult to make an unfavourable comparison when there is nothing directly comparable. After all, each of our youthful summers is different (even if only a little).

I also think it’s hard to really compare our own experiences with those of other people. Comparing possessions, however, is generally easy.

3. Experiences have more social value
There are two reasons experiences have more social value than possessions. First, experiences tend to encourage social relationships and increased social relationships are good for our happiness. Second, it is more socially acceptable to discuss our experiences with others. People who bang on about their possessions are considered much less likeable than those who talk about their holiday adventures.

Limitations

Of course, it has to be acknowledged that this type of research is at an early stage. Van Boven points to a couple of potential problems yet to be investigated:

The experiments examined here looked at short-term emotions - will these short-term emotions add up to long-term happiness?
Highly materialistic people might actually get more pleasure out of material purchases than experiences.

Materialist dilemmas

Despite these limitations, it seems that along with experimental evidence, there are also some good psychological reasons why experiences are more likely to make us happy than material possessions. On top of this, at some level we do seem to understand that experiences probably beat possessions in terms of happiness.

Set against this is the fact that we clearly live in a society awash with materialism, where objects are valued way beyond their possible contribution to our happiness. So how can this conflict possibly be resolved?

One answer to this question is that while we’re likely to think that other people are materialist, we defend our own purchases as necessary and at worst, indulgent. After all, materialism is a dirty word. A dirty word that’s on everyone’s minds.

http://www.spring.org.uk/2008/01/experiences-beat-possessions-why.php

7 Tips for dealing with confrontation

2008-06-08T04:54:00.000-07:00

A lot of people cannot handle confrontation and start to shake, they lose control
of their voice pitch, and they want to hit out and cannot control their thoughts
properly. It can be frustrating when someone is putting us
down and you can’t argue back as you have got a touch of confrontation
jitters. This is the ‘flight or fight’ syndrome kicking in
and it pumps adrenaline throughout your body in readiness to kick someone’s
arse or in readiness to run away from someone you think might kick your arse. It
is your body getting prepared.

Here are seven tips to deal with confrontation:

Take a deep breath just before the confrontation or
during it if necessary. This
lowers your heartbeat and blood pressure.
Breathe a little slower, again this lowers your heartbeat and lowers the
amount of adrenaline running through your body.
Take 5 minutes, if you can, and quickly rehearse what
you are going to say to someone. Make key points of your argument.
Get to know what triggers your anger and prepare a new
response to that trigger. By doing this you are aware of the buttons people can push
to elicit a certain response. When you know your own triggers it
less likely that someone can push the buttons as you are prepared.
Make the person aware of how confrontational they are
being. Saying
something like ‘why are you shouting at me?’, ‘Why are
you being so aggressive’. This turns the energy back on the person
and lets them look at themselves for a minute, this might calm them down
as a lot of people get lost in the moment and don’t realise they
are being aggressive.
Another way is to turn all the attention back on the
person you are arguing with. ‘You seem really angry about that!’; ‘You
look as if you’re really pissed off?’ Again this
can have the same affect of point 5.
Don’t get sucked into their arguments. The purpose of an argument
is to manipulate you into losing the argument thereby showing the other person
they have won and they are superior. If you don’t get sucked
in there is no argument to win, and you come out looking the better person.

There was an incident a few weeks ago just outside my house. I had driven
past someone who stayed in our estate and he was walking his dog. He
was on the pavement when I drove past and I went through a puddle and soaked
his dog. I pulled into the driveway as normal when I heard this guy shouting
on me, he walked aggressively down to me and I prepared myself for a confrontation
as I hadn’t a clue what had happened I just knew by the way he was walking
he wanted a fight. The conversation went like this

‘You ****ing soaked my dog’, I looked at his dog and suddenly
realised I must have went through a puddle. Inside I laughed at the absurdity
of this man looking for a fight because some water had gone over his dog. I
said

‘Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realise.’ He didn’t
hear me.

‘You F***ing did soak him, you went through a puddle and soaked him.’

‘I said, apologies for soaking your dog I didn’t realise’ repeating
what I had said before. His demeanour changed.

‘Well you did and I’m pissed off!’

‘I can see you’re pissed off, but it was an accident’. He
started walking away.

‘I’m sorry I was so angry, it’s just it happened last night
as well with somebody else.’

‘It’s okay, I understand. See you later.’

I laughed again at the strangeness of someone wanting to fight over a dog
getting wet. The strange thing was he was walking his dog in the rain. This
shows that different things annoy different people, but it’s easy to
deal with their behaviour if you point out how they are behaving.

If all else fails, the nose is a good place to hit first which can temporarily
blind them with tears.

Remember your dreams

2008-06-08T04:53:00.000-07:00

Your
dreams can be amazing for communicating with you. Sometimes dream
are just dreams and is the process of making sense to what has happened to
you. However dreams can also be a way to answer questions you have been
asking yourself.

A simple technique for remembering your dreams is to simply tell yourself
as you drop off ‘I will remember my dreams as soon as I wake up’ keep
repeating this phrase until you nod off. What might happen is that you
will wake up several times during the night and remember your dream, as instructed,
but you will fall back asleep and forget the,. Keeping a dream journal
is also a good idea.

The art of listening

2008-06-08T04:52:00.000-07:00

I have met a lot of people in my lifetime and the one thing
that every single one of those people have wanted is for someone to listen
to them. Listening
to someone, actually actively listening, is a great and underused skill in
the world. a lot of people are too used to talking and trying to get
the world to hear them.

Paradoxiaclly if you listen more you will be heard more when you actually
speak.

Make today a day for listening and listen to your partner, your children,
your work colleagues anybody you come into contact with. Ask people questions
about themselves and listen to them as if their words meant the difference
between living and dying. You’ll be surprised by the reactions
you get.

90 minute sleep cycle for a better life

2008-06-08T04:49:00.000-07:00

It has been shown that an average sleep cycle lasts for around 90 minutes. The
90 minutes consist of 2 distinct states rapid Eye Movement, REM, sleep
and nonREM (nREM) sleep. There are various cycles within this 90 minutes
cycle but the main ones are REM and nREM.

I have read a lot about this but only tried messing about with it last year. I
now usually have around 3 sleep cycles which sees me getting up at around 5am. I
go to sleep around 12. If I go to bed earlier I get up earlier. So
I am basically functioning on 3 sleep cycles.

My tip is to experiment with this 90 minute sleep cycle and see how it works
for you. You can squeeze an extra 8.5 hours per week by getting up 1
sleep cycle earlier and not requiring to take a nap during the day.

How to Get Your Child to Do What You Ask - The First Time

2008-06-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

Stop and think. Do you find yourself saying over and over to your child, 'brush your teeth', 'get started on your homework', 'clean up your room', or 'go to bed'? This is such an energy burner for parents. We often get into the pattern of telling our child to do something, then telling them again 10 minutes later, and again 30 minutes later when we notice that she still hasn't done what we asked!

Your child has probably developed several strategies to put things off as long as possible. She has learned to distract you by whining, bringing up something else she has to do right now (like watching the rest of her "favorite" tv program), starting an argument, or just downright ignoring you. Since you are probably busy doing something, it's easy to forget for a moment that she has not done what you asked. When you have to ask her again, you are just a little bit frustrated. The third time - you are angry, and a simple request becomes a source of tension and conflict.

You can change this pattern and it's not too late! Use these simple steps each time you ask your child to do something. They take just a little bit more time and attention at the first request, but will save time and frustration in the long run. With practice, they will become a habit. The results will be less frustration, anger, and stress for you and more respect, compliance, and self-discipline from your child.

1. Decide in your own mind what you want the child to do and the time frame you will accept for her compliance - immediately, within 15 minutes, whatever.

2. Get her attention. That means making eye contact at the very least. Don't yell it from the kitchen. If you are busy in another room, ask the child to come to you before you make the request.

3. Tell her specifically what you want her to do. "Go brush your teeth right this minute so you can get to school on time."

4. Watch to make sure she starts to do what you asked.

5. Praise her for doing what you asked. (Don't leave out this step!)

6. If she does not begin doing what you asked or does not complete the task, ask her "What did I ask you to do?"

7. If she correctly tells you what you asked her to do, say, "That's good, now do it."

8. If she does not do what you asked then - STOP THE WORLD - the child does not do another thing until she does what you asked.

9. If the child begins to throw a temper tantrum or continues to avoid doing what you asked, put her in a short time-out. When she comes out tell her to do what you asked. Don't let it go or she will learn to avoid responsibility by causing an uproar.

Child Discipline Series

2008-06-08T04:18:00.000-07:00

The topic of child discipline causes heated arguments on 'Net discussion boards, as the proponents of spanking clash with those who are completely opposed. The fact is, child discipline is an important and emotional issue for us. We worry about our child's misbehavior and how we should handle it. We become angry and frustrated with ongoing behavior problems. We dislike having to punish our children.

The majority of us need to learn ways to discipline our children. Effective discipline helps our child develop empathy and self-control. A spoiled or harshly-disciplined child is at risk for numerous emotional and behavioral problems. One new approach or discipline strategy can change the course of our child's development, and our relationship with him.

Children are different and so are parents.

As you explore the discipline principles here, you should choose the strategies that fit for your family. Take the risk to try something new. As your child grows, remember these basic principles underlying the variety of discipline strategies you will use.
Good child discipline begins with attachment.

Attachment begins when the child is an infant. If your child has a problem with attachment from infancy, you likely need professional help and lots of support to overcome her behavior problems. To continue good attachment parenting through the elementary years, see these tips on Attachment Parenting of Older Children.

Good child discipline shows respect for the child and the parent.

Discipline techniques that belittle or shame a child are truly harmful. If your relationship with your child has become a power struggle, then control, not discipline, has become your goal. Defuse this toxic relationship with good listening skills. Show respect for your child's feelings and thoughts, while standing firm on your expectations for good behavior. Respect for parents and other authorities is crucial to self-discipline and healthy development. Help your child learn respect for authority by making your own words and actions as a parent worthy of respect.

Good child discipline changes as the child grows.

When discipline doesn't seem to be working for your family, you want to step back and look again at the problem. The first step is to learn what is normal behavior for your child's age and stage of development. Parental expectations may be beyond what the child is able to achieve on a consistent basis. I recommend the Gesell Institute Child Development Series of paperbacks that describe a wide range of normal behaviors for each age of childhood. They will likely ease your mind about a difficult behavior your child is exhibiting, and give you clues to resolving the problem. You can find a brief synopsis of normal development for ages five through nine, or order these great books for yourself.

The Five Year Old Child - A Psychological Profile
The Six Year Old Child - A Psychological Profile
The Seven Year Old Child - A Psychological Profile
The Eight Year Old Child - A Psychological Profile
The Nine Year Old Child - A Psychological Profile
Good child discipline requires good family communication.

Giving instructions and consequences, planning for good behavior, listening to your child, holding family meetings, and resolving conflict are just a few of the opportunities parents have to encourage self-discipline and maintain good family relationships. When confronting a problem, your style of communication will help or hinder a successful resolution. Learn how to communicate effectively with your child with these quick How Tos:

How to Listen to Your Child
How to Praise Your Child
How to Give Instructions to Your Child
How to Give Consequences to Your Child
How to Hold a Family Meeting
How to Resolve Family Conflict
How to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem

The Twelve Disciplinary Elements

2008-06-08T04:11:00.001-07:00

Like most things in life, positive discipline happens all at the same time. If you're changing your approach to your children's behavior, it can seem overwhelming. My personal way of dealing with a seemingly impossible task that makes my anxiety levels soar is to break it into a whole bunch of little tiny parts, each one of which can be easily accomplished. My friend Ailsa calls these the “approachable increments of infinity.”

Here then, are my Twelve Disciplinary Elements. Each one is doable. They're not steps, because you climb a flight of steps one after the other (unless you're like my 86-year-old grandmother and take them two or three at a time). They're pieces of a whole; once you get them working they happen all at once, and each element isn't fully effective without the others. We'll look at each element, and concentrate on making them work for you.

Provide Related, Respectful, and Reasonable Consequences for Misbehavior

2008-06-08T04:10:00.001-07:00

The 11th element of the Twelve Disciplinary Elements is to provide consequences to the misbehavior that are related, respectful, reasonable, and rewarding—what I call the 4-R's.

Related Consequences

Whether the consequences are logical or natural, when your child misbehaves, the consequences should be related to her actions. An unrelated consequence risks confusing the child. Related consequences can be either natural consequences that you allow to happen to teach your child a lesson, or logical consequences that you decide on, and that relate to the misbehavior. If your child refuses to hang up her clothes, keep the consequence related to clothes, tidying up, or chores in general. An unrelated consequence would be: “Since you're such a slob, you're gonna miss your piano lesson.” That teaches nothing, nada, zip.

On the other hand, if she's been told to pick up her room or she won't have time to go to her dearly-loved piano class, then you've already tied the consequence to the action—and it would be related to tell her, “I'm sorry, but I told you we're on a tight time schedule today. You chose not to pick up your room on time, and since it must be done now, you won't have time for piano.

Some other, better-related consequences for not hanging up her clothes might be:

To work with you in doing the ironing that weekend (she'll learn the effort that goes into making clothes neat).
Not allowing her to have kids play in her room until it's picked up (she'll learn that your family values tidiness).
Letting her go to school in wrinkled, dirty clothes (she'll learn that a natural consequence of not taking care of her clothes is that they become wrinkled and dirty). Watch this one, though, it's risky: She might not care, others might judge her, she may be humiliated.

Keeping the consequence related to the action is vital for your child's education. When he's an adult, it will be more useful for him to think, “If I don't get this job in on time, my clients will take their business elsewhere” rather than, “If I don't get this job in on time, I won't get to pet my puppy tonight.”

Respectful Consequences

Any consequences imposed on your child must be respectful of who he is—of his personality, of his individuality, of his body. Consequences that injure your child or have long-term ramifications are not respectful. Take care of your kid. Letting him discover the natural consequences of not brushing his teeth (“See? Cavities and a root canal!”) is not respectful of your child's body. Making him go to school without a shirt because he ripped his up is not respectful either—it is humiliating.

Reasonable Responses

It's a fact: Unless a consequence is reasonable, your child will not learn from it. Go overboard too much, and hoooo boy, all your kid will understand is that you are angry, that you are unreasonable, and that there's no reason in the world to refrain from doing the behavior again.

You can react with anger to the little things (you don't need my permission, most people do it all the time). Feeling angry when you are irritated is a reasonable reaction. I mean, you're irritated! What you do with your irritation, how you respond and what consequence you assign, is another issue.

How do you know if a particular consequence is reasonable? Here's a few clues: If it's not respectful, it's not reasonable. If it's not related, it's probably not reasonable either. But “reasonable” also refers to the degree of severity. In order to figure out how severe the consequence should be, you'll have to determine the severity of the misbehavior.

Weigh it on the severity scale. With all the hurry-scurry and stress of life, it's sometimes hard to keep your child's behavior in perspective. Some experts suggest establishing a severity scale. On this scale, a minor irritant would register a 1, and a felony would be 100. When your kid misbehaves, hold the behavior up to the scale. Where does it fall? The vast majority of your child's misbehaviors will fall below 10. Looking at things this way may help you keep your consequences reasonable.
Keep it short! Reasonable consequences are usually short term. Forbidding your child to watch his favorite TV show for a week because he flatly refused to lower the volume would be reasonable. Forbidding him to watch his show for the rest of the season would not be reasonable, it would be too severe.

Seven Ways to Discipline Effectively

2008-06-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the effective big seven -- the most effective, kindest, most positive disciplinary techniques out there. These are the ones you should be using. Here they are, in alphabetical order (so you won't think I'm ranking them by merit):

education
expressing disapproval
having a little discussion
ignoring
separation and replacement
time-outs (also known as “thinking time”)
warnings

Education

Education is a disciplinary technique, and I'm not talking about the normal use of discipline as a teaching tool. I mean using education as a direct consequence of misbehavior. Education is an opportunity to move your child to thoughtful from his normal stance as thoughtless.

In many cases, a child's misbehavior is based in ignorance. Racial slurs, or physically risky behavior (like smoking and driving too fast), can often be corrected easier and more effectively by a specifically educational response than by other forms of discipline (like scolding or making rules).

A child caught drinking to excess a couple of times could be taken to an AA meeting to see firsthand the ravages of alcohol. A child participating in racist behavior could be shown the movie Schindler's List, brought to a lecture on Martin Luther King, or, better yet, the whole family could get involved in community activities where the child can meet and become friendly with people from diverse racial groups.

Education is not about lecturing, and, since your child may not be open to hearing the truth from you, an educational consequence may be best imposed by another adult he

Expressing Disapproval

Perhaps the simplest and most effective way of changing a child's behavior is to let her know that you disapprove of it. State your objections clearly, and give reasons. “Judy, I don't like it when you hit your sister. It's cruel and thoughtless, and I want my children to be kind and compassionate.” When your child hears your disappointment or disapproval, she may shape up. Your child needs your approval. Miss Judy will hear your anger, and resolve to change.

Disapproval works when it is stated clearly-once. Don't nag, rub it in, carry on, or hold disapproval as a grudge. What if you can't let it go? That's between you and you. Don't raise it again (and that means you)! Kids can hear a complaint or disapproval once-more than once erases the message from their little brains and closes their ears tighter than Scrooge's wallet.

Your disapproval needs to be expressed with conviction and passion, but without fury. Don't be wimpy or bossy:

Wimpy parents tend to feel the disapproval, but express it so mildly and gently that no impact registers. Here's an example: “Honey, please don't pull Muffy's tail, dear. I really hate it when you do that, it's not a very nice thing to do, Sweetheart, and you want to be a nice little boy, don't you? Honey? Please stop for Mommy, dear. Mommy's getting a little bit upset and concerned,” and so on.
Bossy parents tend to come down so hard on the disapproval that they frighten, or make their child feel like a personal failure or a dirty rotten piece of scum. Make sure that your disapproval transmits the message that it's the behavior you don't like, not the child.

Be Reasonable, Gentle, and Firm

2008-06-08T04:08:00.001-07:00

You can be a strong and reasonable authority figure and still be fun, as well as gentle and affectionate. The first task is to give up on perfection. Go on! Take perfection by the hand, lead it to a tall bridge over deep water, hoist it up the railing, and push it off! You are not a perfect parent. Guess what? You aren't going to be.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about being reasonable. You cannot be perfect, but you can be reasonable. A reasonable parent:

Tries hard and cares.
Works hard to model the behavior she'd like to see in her kids.
Sets her expectations and disciplinary goals for herself, and for her family, at reasonable, realistic levels.
Defines reasonable limits for her children's behavior.
Identifies and discusses natural consequences that occur and provides reasonable, logical consequences when things go wrong.
Is reasonably consistent about it.
Understands that change takes time, and gives herself and her kids a break.
You, the Gentle Giant

The word discipline often calls up for me the image of a woman with a bullwhip, a man with a belt, a fierce, mean face, and a couple of terrified children, afraid to squeak for fear of “getting it.” Okay, we know that discipline means “teaching,” and we know that teaching works best when kids want to learn. Since kids learn best when they are engaged, active, and having fun, dump the attitude and join the learning! You can be fun, and you can be a disciplinarian. Correction is correction without the screams. You're not being lenient when you're gentle and kind, you're imparting knowledge in the most effective way. And it's a lot easier on your blood pressure.

No matter what style you begin with, you can change and become more gentle, stronger. The first step is becoming aware of how you treat your children when you are angry at them. Try the following:
Take a deep breath and cool down before you leap into telling your kids why you're mad at their behavior.
Remind yourself you don't have to look or act angry to get results.

Remember, It's Funny!

Humor is a big part of reasonable parenting, and of positive discipline, for a few reasons:

Laughter breaks the tension.
Humor is a good way to deal with stress (it's better to laugh than to scream).
Teasing and sarcasm don't count as reasonable. Be gentle.
You don't have to impose your limits and consequences with a heavy hand and a heavy heart. Actually, being too heavy can often work against you (who wants to listen or learn from a mean, grumpy horrible person?).

Just because you're laughing or smiling doesn't mean you're not taking something seriously. Humor is a great way to keep a sense of perspective about things—really now, on a scale of one to 10 of terrible behavior (with 10 resulting in doing time in San Quentin for assault and murder), blowing milk out your nose barely counts at all! Laughing may sometimes be unavoidable—don't worry, you can laugh and still correct your child.

Quantity Time, Quality Energy

Discipline is your parenting style in action. Remember that old debate about quality time versus quantity time? This just in: Both matter. You really need at least some quantity to achieve quality. If, on the other hand, you are together with your child all the time but never pay attention, there's no quality to your quantity. Arghhh! It's an issue of balance. I'm beginning to think it's all an issue of balance!

How can you get both quality and quantity into your busy life? It's not always easy. This is an insane time for most parents, and your schedule is probably stretched thin as it is. Don't waste valuable time feeling guilty: Prioritize! The more quality time you have in your life, the easier it will be to predict trouble.

Take an hour of your usual TV watching time to spend with your child (turn that set off!)
Include your child in your day-to-day errand running (keeping in mind your individual child's errand tolerance level—some like errands, some tolerate one, some three, and some hate them all). Use the transportation time to chat.
Instead of listening to the news, the traffic update, and music in the car, turn the radio off and listen to each other.

Let Your Child Do It

The strong, reasonable, gentle parent teaches self-reliance by expecting self-reliance and competence, and by letting children make mistakes. Trust that your child can do it. Show your trust, encourage progress, and don't “rescue” your child! If you constantly step in to save the day when a child is in a minor jam, he won't learn how to work his way out of his own problems. Sometimes this means letting small mistakes and minor disappointments happen. They're learning experiences. (Hey, I'm not saying abandon your baby to the wolves—just teach him how to avoid wolves, and then watch him do it, standing by in case of disaster.)

The Loving Parent

The most important aspect of being a strong and reasonable parent is showing unconditional love for your child. There's a tight correlation for children between experiencing unconditional parental love, and having a sense of self-respect. Unconditional love is loving a child for who she is no matter what she does or how well she succeeds in life. This kind of love promotes self-acceptance and self-confidence. The child who knows she's loved, who is encouraged, and who has experiences of mastery and success, will grow to respect and cherish herself. She'll have the tools to make positive choices all through life.

The Three Times Rule

2008-06-08T04:06:00.002-07:00

Often what happens when we try to discipline our children is we tell them to do something over and over again until we are incredibly angry and frustrated. For instance, if you say, “Johnny, stop hitting your brother,” and he doesn't stop, you will probably say it again. If he still doesn't stop, you might say it several more times until you become furious. Then, you might grab him and put him kicking and screaming into his room, turn off the TV set, or take away a toy he's playing with.

A method that works much better for both you and your child is the three times rule. First, you simply say, “Johnny, stop hitting your brother.” The second time, you say it with a consequence: “Johnny, stop hitting your brother or you will have a time-out in your room, you can't watch TV anymore today, or I will put away the toy that you are fighting over.” And the third time, no matter what, you apply the consequence. The third request is usually accompanied by counting slowly one … two … and, at three, boom, they're in time-out, or have met whatever consequence you warned them about.

You have to use this rule every single time for it to be effective. Don't give in! If you follow through with your punishment, your child will really learn that you mean what you say. And he or she will know that not listening to you will bring a consequence, not just a threat. It also will give your child a sense of control because he or she will always have a warning before the punishment is actually carried out.

It's also important to choose the punishments carefully. You should keep two things in mind. First, the punishment should be something that you can and will carry out. If you tell Bobby that he can't come to the party with you and you know you will take him anyway, that is not an appropriate choice. Second, you should also get in the habit of making the punishment fit the crime. If Susie is coloring on her sister's book, you should give her a time-out in her room, or put the crayons off-limits for the rest of the day. Taking away dessert after dinner would not be as fitting a punishment. The closer the consequence is (in time and relationship) to the inappropriate behavior, the more likely the child will understand the relationship of his or her actions to the punishment.

Ain't Misbehavin': Discipline Tactics That Work!

2008-06-08T04:06:00.001-07:00

by Katy Abel

'Fess up: You've had it up to here with nagging and yelling and you can tell from your kids' sniveling response that many of your reprimands just aren't working.

Penny Hutchins Paquette and Cheryl Gerson Tuttle, co-authors of Parenting a Child with a Behavior Problem (Lowell House Books), believe haphazard, "let's try this" approaches to discipline are often doomed to failure. Rather than flailing about in the heat of the moment, they argue, parents should actually plan what they'll do when kids turn into demons. You may be familiar with the following strategies, but perhaps unsure of when -- or even why -- to use them. Here's a clear, concise guide to dealing with kids who yell, hit, swear, won't share, or refuse to put their undies in the hamper!

The Time-Out

When It Works: Paquette and Tuttle are big fans of time-out, but recommend that you use it sparingly, for "whatever you consider to be the most serious discipline situations with your child." Time-out works well when children are hitting, damaging possessions, or engaging in unacceptable acts of aggression. The "timing" of time-out is critical: Adhere to the "minute per age" rule (a five-year-old gets a five minute time-out). You can also choose to give toys a time-out, if a child is throwing them, or give a child's mouth a time-out if he or she is swearing or saying something hurtful.

Why It Works: When you remove children from a situation involving others, you deprive them of attention and a chance to be where the action is.

When It Doesn't Work: When it's overused. Many parents use time out as a cure for all ills, only to discover its effectiveness erodes as it becomes the automatic response to every minor infraction. Time out doesn't work for problems like whining or "forgetting" to pick up your toys because cause and effect are not so clear ("You're in time out because you whined" doesn't ring true the way "You're in time out because you hit your sister" does).

Caution: Don't use a child's bedroom as a time-out zone, assuming there are books or toys or other amusements to keep him or her happy. Choose a toy-free location that's away from other people, Cheryl Tuttle says, but still close enough so the child "can hear what everybody's doing but not be able to be part of it."

Good for Ages: 3-9.

Charting

When It Works: Keeping a chart, with stickers or stars to mark behavioral improvements, works well with chronic problems like whining or messy rooms, the types of things that drive parents crazy. Among other things, Penny Paquette notes, charting teaches delayed gratification, "that you don't automatically get things because you're cute, but because you earned it and waited for it." In terms of effectiveness, charts and time-outs are polar opposites: Time-out doesn't work when you use it all the time, while charts never work unless you do!

Why It Works: A chart is a "visual cue" for kids; they don't just hear complaints or praise, they can actually see change. It's a way to get them involved in the discipline strategy; they can help make the chart or perhaps choose a reward.

When It Doesn't Work: Keeping a chart can be a difficult task for kids with attention difficulties; lots of parental involvement is needed. Parents also need to assess their own schedules; if you start a chart and don't have time to keep it up, it undercuts the message that behavioral change is important. Finally, don't start 17 charts. Your child may whine, leave dirty socks lying around, and forget to do his homework, but focus on just one behavior problem at a time.

Caution: Don't promise a trip to Disney World in return for a semester's worth of completed homework assignments. Even Pokemon cards or candy bars are the wrong incentives, Paquette and Tuttle believe. The authors urge parents to use "gifts of time" to reward kids for good behavior. A family Monopoly tournament or a prized half-hour extension on bedtime send kids the message, "When you behave nicely, I want to be with you." If there are no behavioral improvements within a week, the chart is probably not having its intended effect.

Good for Ages: 4-12.

Logical Consequences

When It Works: Try this when a child doesn't do his homework, "forgets" to clean the kitty litter box, or refuses to eat breakfast. In a nutshell, a logical consequence is the process of discovering that if you don't eat, you will become hungry. Grades will fall if homework is not completed; the house will smell if the litter box isn't changed.

Why It Works: It allows children to learn firsthand what will (or will not) happen as a result of their actions (or inactions.) Too often parents try to protect children from the consequences of what they do, Tuttle says, depriving them of the chance to learn important life lessons. Using a logical consequences approach to discipline eliminates power struggles between parents and kids by keeping the focus on the child's behavior ("I see you forgot to clean the kitty litter tray again, Susan. Gee, maybe tomorrow we'll relocate it to your room since the smell apparently doesn't bother you.")

When It Doesn't Work: In dangerous situations. A child caught playing with matches shouldn't be encouraged to experience the logical consequence of getting burned.

Good for Ages: 6 and up.

House Rules

When It Works: House rules are an effective, pro-active strategy when children know what the rules are, and what will happen if they are broken. Example: It's a house rule that homework has to be done before the TV goes on. If the homework's not done, you lose TV privileges for a set amount of time.

Why It Works: It eliminates the need for parents to think on their feet, by making expectations within the household very clear and consistent. It also gives kids a chance to voice their opinions about what the rules should be and how they should be applied. Many families post house rules in a prominent place in the household.

When It Doesn't Work: House rules fail to improve behavior when adults make them up arbitrarily, with little or no input from children, or when they fail to follow through. If parents ignore a broken curfew, for instance, house rules will cease to have any meaning and kids will ignore them.

Good for Ages: 4 and up.

How to Be More Consistent with Your Children

2008-06-08T04:05:00.001-07:00

Mrs. Ellis and her five children moved into a school district where I worked. Within the first week, each child had been sent to the principal at least once. I asked Mrs. Ellis to meet with me. She agreed. I began to give her my pep talk on consistency. She interrupted. "I know I need to be consistent," she said. "Right now I am tired. I need a little vacation from consistency."

She had five children who needed consistent follow-through. It took a lot out of her to be consistent. Every now and then, she let go. She gave up-not completely, just temporarily. That was the problem.

You cannot be consistent some of the time. You must be consistent all the time. That is not easy: it is exhausting, it drains your energy, it weakens your spirit. Here are seven strategies that will help you be more consistent.

Emphasize Priority Behaviors
The first strategy that will help you be more consistent is the idea of priority behavior. A priority behavior is a behavior that you are going to manage with special diligence and focus. A priority behavior can be positive. If you want your children to cooperate with each other, cooperation is the priority behavior, so focus on cooperation. Catch your children cooperating and praise them. This will teach your children that you value cooperation.

A priority behavior can be a misbehavior. Many children develop misbehavior patterns. They display the same misbehavior-such as arguing, whining, or disobeying-repeatedly. Your child may exhibit several misbehavior patterns. Attempting to work on all of them at once would be impossible for you and confusing for your child, so choose one or two patterns as priority misbehaviors. Be aware of these misbehaviors at all times. Never give in. Do not reward them. Be consistent. This will not be easy. There will be times when you are tired and will not want to follow through. If you do not, you will pay for it later.

Priority behaviors help you focus. It is difficult to be consistent with every misbehavior. Identify one or two priority behaviors and focus your energy on them. Be consistent and diligent with priority behaviors. Your children will learn to behave more quickly.

Remember to be positive. Every misbehavior has an opposite, positive behavior. Watch for positive behaviors while you are consistent with priority misbehaviors. Suppose your child's priority misbehavior is having tantrums. Be consistent and never reward the priority misbehavior. Never reward any tantrum. You must also reinforce your child for not having tantrums: "I'm glad to see that you did not cry when I told you that you could not have a candy bar. I really appreciate that. Thank you."

When you are consistent with priority behaviors, it will have a positive effect on all other behaviors. Your children will generalize what they learn from one situation to another. It is like having a two-for-one sale on good behavior: be consistent with priority behaviors and get improvement in other behaviors free. How could you refuse such a deal?

Give Yourself Tangible Reminders
Using tangible reminders is the second strategy that helps you be more consistent. Write little notes to yourself: "Do not give in to tantrums," "Catch your children playing quietly." Put a sign on your bathroom mirror: "Look for cooperation." Put a sign on the refrigerator: "Stay calm. Do not argue." Notes and signs help you remember to be consistent. They help you remember to focus on priority behaviors.

I learned this my first year teaching. Kenny and Aaron were my two top students. Handsome, articulate leaders, thirteen years old, they were very much alike. That was their problem. They hated each other and were on each other's case constantly. I tried being positive, but I was not consistent enough. It was too hard; I had tunnel vision, and could only see the misbehavior. I had to do something. I decided to put a sign in the back of my classroom.

Catch Kenny and Aaron
being pleasant to each other!!
It was like magic. The sign was not to remind Kenny and Aaron to be pleasant to each other but to help me be consistent and positive. It helped me focus on a positive behavior. The class thought it was a dumb idea at first, but by the end of the week, every student in my class wanted their own sign on the wall. They loved all the attention. I loved all the cooperation and good behavior.

Practice Patience
The third strategy that you need to be more consistent is patience. Parents want quick changes-children do not. Children do not change misbehavior patterns easily. Misbehaviors that have been mastered take time to give up. Just because you decide to be consistent, your child's misbehavior will not change overnight. You will have to be patient.

Patience is difficult-you want immediate results for your energy and commitment-but think about things from your child's point of view. If you have been using threats and warnings before taking action, your child has learned that this is how you behave. Now you have changed. You are consistent. You are following through. Your child will be confused and resist change-"I don't understand this, Dad. You always yell three or four times before you really mean it." It takes time and energy to change your behavior, and your child is no different. Be patient.

Choose a Good Time
If you are going to initiate a new plan or start a new discipline technique with your children, choose a good time to begin. An experienced mom gave me this idea. A tax accountant, she was taking my parenting class during the early spring. She explained that she had learned never to start anything new during tax season. She was working sixty-plus hours per week, and was not at her best at home. She recognized that this period was not a good time to make any new resolutions, start a diet, change a bad habit, or try to enforce a new behavior with her children. Very clever, I thought.

Do not try to initiate change of troublesome behaviors just before Christmas vacation or the annual visit from grandparents. Choose a time that is more stable and predictable. This will give you the time and structure that you need to be consistent.

Be Mindful of the Time of Day
There are three blocks of time each day that correlate to increases in misbehavior. Morning routine is often difficult because of pressure to be out the door and off to work and school, which makes parents and children feel tense and urgent. This is a time when tempers erupt and reason and calm abandon us. Prepare for this each day. It is better to awaken everyone twenty minutes earlier to ensure enough time to get ready. Take ten minutes to have breakfast together and have fun. Relax. Model calmness. This teaches children to get their moods ready for the day.

Research has shown that the most difficult time of day for parents and children is the time from after school to dinner. Parents are tired. The children want to release energy that has be stored all day in school. Studies have shown that this is also a time when everyone's blood sugar is low, which makes us irritable. It may be helpful for you and the children to have a snack. It also helps to have a plan for the children. Keep them busy.

Bedtime is a problem for some children. Do not teach your children that going to bed is a punishment that comes at the end of each day. Going to bed is a time to relax and get comfortable. Have a bedtime routine: bath, snack, story, hug and kiss. Use a chart or checklist to teach children to regulate their own bedtime routine. Do not use going to bed early as a punishment. Being sensitive to these difficult times of day helps you focus and be more consistent.

Expect Challenge
Children will test you. No matter how carefully you plan or how strongly committed you are, your children will resist change. Children often respond well to new discipline techniques at first, but after a while, they drift back to previous patterns, and misbehaviors increase. When this happens, do not despair; this is normal. Once you realize that occasional testing of limits will occur, you will be less frustrated and disappointed. Knowing this helps you be more consistent during these periods.

Make the Commitment
The seventh strategy that helps you be more consistent is the awareness that consistency is one of the most important factors in successful parenting. Consistency teaches children what to expect. It teaches children how to predict the consequences of their actions. Once a child can predict the outcome of his behavior, he will make better choices. Making better choices is the key to developing responsibility.

Understanding the importance of consistency will make you more consistent. Consistency is important when teaching positive behaviors. The more consistently you use positive feedback, the more quickly your child will learn appropriate behaviors. This is especially true when you are trying to teach new priority behaviors. Every time you find your children playing nicely, thank them for being cooperative. When you see your son making an effort to clean his room, mention how proud you feel. Explain how he is growing up and becoming responsible, as well as helping the whole family.

Consistency is important when you use punishment. Once you tell your child that a misbehavior will be punished, always follow through. If you slip up or use punishment only when you feel like it, you will make the problem worse. You will teach your child that you do not mean what you say. You will teach your child to be persistent in a negative way; sooner or later, he will get away with misbehaving.

Consistency is an expression of love and caring. When you behave consistently, your children will have better self-discipline. They will see that they are important to you: "I know my parents care about me because they put in the energy and time to make sure that I behave." When you behave consistently, you are telling your children that you will do whatever it takes. That's your job. Children seldom verbalize that they prefer parents who follow through, but they do. It is especially important to teenagers.

Inconsistency causes children to be unsure of themselves. It makes children feel unimportant, insecure, and confused. This confusion compels children to manipulate, tease, or take advantage of unclear situations. Once your children learn that you mean what you say and are consistent, they will take you more seriously and think more carefully about all their behaviors and decisions. Thinking is what you want.

The next time that you feel you need a vacation from consistency, remember Mrs. Ellis. Think about the consequences. Misbehaviors will get worse, and they will happen more frequently. Inconsistency teaches children that you do not mean what you say. Once your child learns this, he will try to get away with other misbehaviors: "If I can get away with skipping my chores, let's see what happens when I come home late." Consistency breaks this cycle.

A certain amount of misbehavior is normal in all children. When you respond to misbehavior consistently, the misbehavior will decrease. When you respond to misbehavior inconsistently, the misbehavior will increase.

How to Punish Without Punishing Yourself

2008-06-08T04:04:00.000-07:00

It was late in the afternoon on July 4. We had planned to go to the evening fireworks display. Our children were arguing more than usual. I threatened them, hoping they would stop: "If you don't quit arguing, we are not going to the fireworks." What a foolish thing to say. If they did not go, we did not go; there was no way we would have found a baby-sitter at 5:00 p.m. on the Fourth of July, as every teenager in town was going to the fireworks. The children did not stop, and we did not go. We were punished along with our children.

A better punishment would have been to separate them when they started arguing, and make them play alone. I did not think. I got angry and made a foolish threat that ended up costing me more than my children. Think carefully before talking. Anger can get you in trouble. Think about how the punishment will affect you and the rest of the family. Will this punishment disrupt me? If you have a child who likes to control you or others in the family, choose his punishments carefully. Be sure that the punishment only affects your child who misbehaved and not anyone else. Do not say, "We are not going until you clean your room." If you are going somewhere he wants to go, this threat may work. If he does not want to go, you have just given your child a lot of power. No one can go until the room is clean. You are giving this child control over the entire family. Who is being punished?

What do you do with your child who is not permitted to go somewhere with the rest of the family? Get a baby-sitter and then go and have a good time. You may want to have your child pay for some or all of the cost of the baby-sitter. Your child will learn that his misbehavior will not prevent the family from having fun. Select punishments that impact your child, not you. Your other children will learn something, too. Misbehavior only affects the one who misbehaves.

Parents often wonder how to take TV privileges from one child. If they have to shut off the TV, the other children will be punished. That's true. Do not shut the TV off because one child is restricted. That punishes everyone. Watch TV as usual. The child who is being punished has to go in another room. That's the true punishment. If no one can watch TV because he cannot watch TV, you are giving your child control over the entire family. Who is being punished?

Use Punishments That Are Easy to Enforce
Choose punishments that you can enforce easily. This will enable you to follow through. If a punishment is inconvenient or laborious, you will be less consistent. A father told me that he would lock up the video game for three hours whenever his son would disobey:

"How often do you lock up the game?"
"Once or twice a week."
"Does your son obey all the other days?"
"If he did, would I be talking with you?"
"Why don't you lock up the game every time he disobeys?"
"If I locked that game up every time he did not do what he was supposed to do, I would be locking that thing up ten times a day."
"Why don't you do that?"
"It would take me forever with all those cables and plugs."

Dad is using a punishment that is inconvenient, so he does not follow through consistently. His son is not learning to obey; he is learning that he can disobey as often as he likes and only lose his game once or twice a week. Dad has probably identified an effective punishment-taking away the video game-but he needs to be more consistent. He needs to lock up the game every time. If the video game cables make this punishment cumbersome, then Dad needs a more effective way of administering the punishment.

Explain the Punishment
Tell your child the purpose of the punishment. When you explain punishment, you increase your child's understanding and cooperation. Explain that you are on his side. You are not the enemy. You are trying to help him make better decisions in the future:

"I am not trying to hurt you or make you angry. You are being punished because you made a poor choice about your behavior. I want you to learn from this so you will think differently next time. I do not want you to think I am out to get you. I am not. I am out to help you."

Explain that you are not trying to get even. Ignore irritating comments such as, "You expect me to believe you are doing this for me. Sure you are." Only explain it once. Do not become caught in lengthy explanations and arguments.

Be a better partner

2008-06-08T04:03:00.000-07:00

One mother told Rick: I think Angelina, our four-year-old, should watch only an hour of TV per day. My husband mumbles, "Okay, honey," but when I leave the house I come back to see her glued to the tube. It's not just TV. I say no sweets, he says just a couple. I say no spanking, he thinks a swat is okay. I say bed by eight, but that means I've got to do it. I read books about parenting and he reads the sports section of the paper. I'm afraid we are confusing our daughter, plus driving each other crazy.

It's hard to get on the same page, since parents often have different values in child rearing, and issues of who gets to be right or in charge muddy the water. Yet children get confused when their parents have different approaches, and they're more likely to play one parent against the other: But Dad said I could! And it is disheartening when your partner approaches the most important undertaking of your life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.

Minor differences in parenting style are all right. Besides helping children prepare for a variety of teachers and (eventually) bosses, complementary approaches can build on each other, like Mom being more of a tender owie-kisser and Dad an exuberant horsieback-ride-giver, so kids get the best of both worlds. But major differences in parenting values or actions are a problem. To solve it, the first step is to pin down exactly what they are, so we suggest you take a moment to fill out this questionnaire.

Taking Steps Yourself
While it may seem unfair to be the one who makes the first move, trying to be a better partner yourself will evoke positive behavior from your husband, reduce his reasons for being irked with you, and, if nothing else, let you stand on principle if he is dragging his feet. And there will be a better result when you and he take steps together.... Here's a buffet of options, focused on the common situations of a somewhat disengaged father, or one whose parenting style differs in some ways from his wife's.

Have confidence in his fundamental ability to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have shown that a father is just as able to parent with love and skill as a mother. For example, when babies cry, the typical father gets just as upset inside as his wife does, and just as relieved when the baby settles.

Encourage him. Try to be encouraging (though not patronizing) if he is learning a new skill. Suppose he feels awkward holding a little baby: reassure him that he's doing fine, and perhaps disclose ways you, too, have felt a little klutzy.

Acknowledge him. Admit it when his way worked, even though it was different from yours, or when you learned something from him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his parenting, rather than what you wish were different. See the strengths in his approach and understand the values it is based on.

Let him learn. Let him be the one who handles a tantrum from start to finish, or who tries to get a child to eat some carrots. Occasionally direct the kids to him for things you normally provide, so he gains more experience with those parts of child rearing. If you can, arrange for him to spend extended times alone with your children, such as an entire evening from dinner to bedtime, or better yet, a full day or two while you go on a business trip or (best of all) take a mini-vacation.

Solutions to Parents' Top Discipline Problems

2008-06-08T04:02:00.000-07:00

Early childhood expert Dr. Becky Bailey tells parents how to cope with tantrums, bossiness, biting, and lying.

MY CHILD HAS A TANTRUM IF SHE DOESN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTS.

Tantrums are typical for children between the ages of fifteen months and three years. Most parents blame themselves for temper tantrums. But the outburst generally reflects the child's inner struggle. She's trying to say, "I've tried desperately to make the world go my way. Now I'm frazzled. I feel angry, helpless, and powerless." Stopping a tantrum once it's started is impossible. When it happens, your role is to help your child move through it. Here's what to do:

Don't give in. Giving in to a child when she's having a tantrum will only guarantee she'll have more tantrums and become more demanding. Your response to her tantrum teaches her how to behave in order to get what she wants and also how to treat other people when they're upset.

Discipline yourself first and your child second. Take several deep breaths before you speak. Make yourself as calm inside as you would like your child to become. Then say something soothing to your child. Try, "You're safe, you can handle this. You can calm down so we can talk about the problem. Let's take some deep breaths."

Use empathy to help your child become aware of herself. Describe to your child what you see her doing, "Your arms are going like this (demonstrate), your face looks like this (demonstrate)." Then say what you think your child feels, "Your body is telling me you feel frustrated. You wanted to play longer." If your child is able to compose herself enough to say what she wanted ("I wanted to swing more") then you can incorporate what you hear your child saying to soothe her. "You wanted to swing longer and you wish we could stay and play. It's hard to leave when you're having so much fun."

Give the child two positive choices to meet your expectations. You could say, "You have a choice. You can read in your car seat or have a snack. Which do you choose?" Shift the focus from the swing -- or whatever it is she wants -- to what you want the child to do.

MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BULLIES HER SISTER AND HER FRIENDS.

Young children don't separate who they are from what they do. So be careful not to attack your child's personality. Instead, focus on what you want your child to do and then decide how to encourage that behavior. Here's what to do:

Go to the target of the bullying first. It's imperative to approach the victims first. That way, you help empower children to deal with these situations. Teach the victims of your child's bossiness to use an assertive "big voice" to set the limit on your seven-year-old's bossy behavior. For example, if your child pushes her sister, go to her sister first and say, "Your sister just pushed you. Did you like it?" When she says, "No," tell her to say, "Stop, I don't like it when you push me."

More often than not we give the attention to (and chase after) the aggressor asking things like, "Was that nice? How would you like it if people treated you like that? Why are you doing this?" or "That's mean, go to your room." Notice how none of these comments actually teaches children what to do in social settings when another person intrudes in their space.

Teach the bossy child another way of communicating. After you've spoken to the victim of the bullying, turn to the aggressive child and say, "You wanted your sister to move so you pushed her. You may not push; pushing hurts. When you want you sister to move ask, 'Can you move, please?'" Now tell your child to practice using the correct behavior.

MY CHILD HITS, SPITS, BITES, AND TELLS US HE HATES US.

Figure out what your child is trying to say. All behavior, including misbehavior, is a form of communication. Ask yourself: What is my child trying to say with his actions? Is he saying, "I feel angry" or is he saying, "I want attention"? If you believe your child is hitting because he's angry and doesn't know how to express his feelings without hitting and hurting, you could say: "Stop (hold onto his hand so he can't hurt you). I will not let you hurt me or anyone else. When you feel angry say, 'I feel angry.'" You must teach this skill over and over again.

Quit trying to stop children's behavior. When most adults attempt to stop something, they tend to rely on fear, force, coercion, or manipulation. More than likely, these are the same skills your child is using to get what he wants. When we attempt to stop a child's behavior we end up with side effects like power struggles and crushed spirits (both yours and your kids').

Focus on transforming negative behavior so the child actually changes. Focus on what you want your child to do instead of what you want to stop from happening. When I say, "Don't think about a purple alligator," what immediately pops into your mind?

Learn what's age-appropriate. Stressed toddlers bite and stressed preschoolers hit. If you have a child four-years-old and older who is biting, this could be a sign of potential problems. If this is the case, seek professional help and guidance.

MY PRESCHOOLER LIES -- HE DRAWS ON WALLS AND THEN REFUSES TO ADMIT IT.

Parents have choices. You can focus on getting your children to admit their errors and feel bad about their actions, or you can focus on helping your children learn to be responsible by experiencing the consequences of their actions. If you go for an admission of guilt from your child by asking a question you already know the answer to -- "Did you draw on these walls?" -- You're setting up a trap for your child that most preschoolers won't willingly walk into. Most likely you'll get a denial.

Denial is a great defense mechanism. Children will often use denial when they're faced with fear or a threat. Once a child denies the situation, parents really become upset. We say things like, "Don't you lie to me. Lying only makes things worse." From here the interaction typically deteriorates into shouting or worse. Try this instead:

Set limits and hold your child accountable for her actions. In this situation you could say, "I see you drew pictures on the wall. You may not draw on the walls. Drawing is what you do on paper. You can clean the walls with a rag or a sponge. What's your choice?"

Follow-up with your child when he's doing the right thing. It's important that you praise your child when he is drawing on paper. Try saying something like, "You did it! You remembered to draw on the paper. That's great, honey." Then give him a great big hug and kiss.

MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD WON'T LISTEN TO ME -- SHE REFUSES TO CLEAN HER ROOM AFTER REPEATED REQUESTS.

When it comes to listening, most seven- and eight-year-old children haven't fully developed "mature inner speech" -- the ability to think through the consequences of our actions before we act. At around six, seven, and eight years of age, inner speech is just developing. This means that, for the first time, children have two conversations to attend to at once. They can listen to the chatter in their heads as well as the talk of others. Often they'll say "what?" even as you talk, and they might even seem deaf at times. Try this:

Stay calm. When you're calm, you can focus on what you want. And when you're upset, you're always focused on what you don't want.

Don't shout, get close. Usually we'll start shouting the child's name. "Chelsea, Chelsea, do you hear me? CHELSEA listen to me..." Often these upsets are followed by a lecture. "I'm your mother and I expect you to listen to me when I say to clean your room..." Instead, walk up to your child and get as close to her face as you need to until she makes eye contact with you. Once your child makes eye contact, say gently, "Well there you are." Then say, "Room." One word will often be a sufficient reminder for many children. Follow this up with encouragement as your child begins to do what has been asked of her. You might say, "There you go. You can do it. Sometimes it's just hard to get started."

Give lots of encouragement. If your child isn't following through with a task, there's a good chance you aren't following through with encouragement. You're telling children what you want them to do, but not taking the time to celebrate their accomplishments.

Your children need lots of encouragement. Imagine a football game where everyone sat quietly until a touchdown was made. We need to encourage our children just as we encourage a favorite team attempting to score.

Using Punishments Effectively (2)

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Do Not Punish to Embarrass
Punishment should not embarrass, humiliate, or degrade children. Punishment is meant to teach your child that misbehaving is not a good decision and behaving is a good decision. When punishment embarrasses your child, it creates unhealthy feelings. The embarrassment will only cause your child to think of you as mean or unfair. When this occurs, your child will not learn to make better decisions. He will not learn cooperation. Your child may strike back in anger, which can start a negative cycle.

Do not punish your child in front of other children. Take your child aside. Tell him what he has done and that he will be punished. Talk about it later, when the two of you are alone.

Use Punishment Consistently
Punishment must be administered consistently. Once you decide to punish a misbehavior, do so always. If you punish only when you feel like it, you will make the problem worse. Once you tell your child that he is going to be punished, follow through. You must use punishment consistently, even after you have had a long, miserable day. You can never miss or let the misbehavior slide-not even once. Many parents make this mistake. Children love it. It motivates them to test you-to see if you will punish them this time.

Angela wanted to know why punishment did not have any effect on her son, Bryan. She explained that she "tried everything. Nothing bothers him. He never does what I ask him to do." After more discussion, I learned that Angela punishes Brian once or twice a week, while he did what he pleased all the other times. Angela did not follow through consistently; Bryan could misbehave several times a day and only be punished once or twice a week. This is a tradeoff most children would make gladly. Angela and Bryan were trapped in a pattern. She did not punish consistently because she believed it did not work. He continued to misbehave because he got away with it most of the time. Angela worked out a plan that used positive feedback and punishment, and emphasized cooperation and good decisions. She used small punishments, but she used them consistently. As Angela's behavior improved, Bryan's behavior improved.

Be Reasonable
Punishment must be reasonable. Short and simple punishments are more effective than harsh punishments. React appropriately to the size of the misbehavior. Do not restrict your son for a month because he did not finish his vegetables. Take away his dessert. When punishments are reasonable, children learn what behaviors are important.

Punishment should be administered as soon after the misbehavior as possible. The more immediate, the more effective the punishment will be. This is especially true with young children. The only exception to this rule occurs when you are angry. Do not punish immediately when you are angry. Wait until you settle down, just as Linda did when she caught Nancie skipping school. You might say, "You will be punished for this, but I have to cool down first."

With misbehaviors that are recurrent, punishment should only be used after you have tried several positive remedies. Most adults think of punishment first. Most adults think that you always treat a misbehavior with a punishment. You can improve misbehavior by using positive feedback to strengthen the opposite of the misbehavior. Your two children argue constantly. Instead of saying, "If you do not stop fighting, you will both be grounded for the weekend," point out the opposite. The opposite of arguing is cooperating. Use encouragement and positive feedback when they are cooperating and sharing: "It's good to see you having fun. You should be proud of yourselves for the way you are sharing the computer." Immediately resorting to punishment traps many parents. No one likes how it feels. One way to escape this trap is to focus on positive behavior.

Your Turn
Pam cannot understand why Steven will not behave. Pam wants to be more positive but sometimes forgets. Steven is a very active child. He gets into things he is not supposed to touch. Whenever Steven does not mind, Pam becomes upset and frustrated. Pam yells a lot. She spanks, too. Nothing seems to work. What can you tell Pam about her behavior?

Pam needs to realize that her style of punishment is not working. Steven has become immune to the yelling and the spanking, and his misbehavior is not improving. Pam needs to control herself. Getting angry and frustrated is only aggravating the situation. Her anger may be rewarding to Steven. Most of all, Pam must remember to be positive. The strongest tool she has is positive feedback.

Punishment works, but it is not easy to use. Positive feedback is much easier to use and more fun to use. Positive feedback creates internal motivation in children. It teaches self-discipline and promotes a healthy and pleasant family climate. Successful parents emphasize the positive. Positive feedback, extinction, and punishment are always in effect, whether you are conscious of them or not. The key to successful parenting is to be aware of these principles and use them to your advantage.

Parents who are only interested in controlling misbehavior will punish. Parents who want children to be cooperative will balance positive feedback with extinction and redirection and use a minimal amount of punishment. If you emphasize the positive, you will only need a minimal amount of punishment.

Using Punishments Effectively (1)

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At Brandt and Audra's house, beds need to be made before leaving for school. If you fail to make your bed, you go to bed thirty minutes early. The last time that Brandt failed to make his bed was three weeks ago. Audra fails to make her bed about four mornings a week. She goes to bed early each time.

Most parents believe that going to bed early is a good punishment. This seems like a good plan, but look at what is actually happening. This form of punishment works well for Brandt; he avoids the punishment by remembering to make his bed. He has decided that staying up a little later is important.

Going to bed early is not a punishment for Audra. She does not avoid it. Going to bed early has had no effect on her behavior; she is not making her bed. Maybe she likes going to bed early-I certainly do! Another punishment should be used for Audra, something that will change her behavior.

Punishment is a negative consequence. When used properly, punishment eliminates or reduces misbehavior. Using punishment correctly is difficult. It requires consistent follow-through. Too much punishment is harmful; it creates unpleasant feelings and drains energy. Punishment works, but it is not easy to use effectively. Most parents believe that punishing a misbehavior will stop the child from repeating the misbehavior. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes it is not:

"How do you punish your children?"
"I yell."
"How do your children react to your yelling?"
"They don't react. They usually ignore me."
"Then what?"
"I get angry. Sometimes I yell again."
"Do they stop?"
"For a while, maybe."
"What do you try next?"
"Sometimes I spank them."
"How often do you have to spank them?"
"About eight or ten times a day."
Any punishment that is used this often is not working. The misbehavior is not getting better. The children are not listening to the yelling. They are not avoiding the spankings.

Good Punishments Are Seldom Used
A true punishment is one that is seldom used because it is seldom needed. This is punishment's golden rule. Punishment should reduce the need for more punishment; it should decrease the misbehavior. If the misbehavior does not change, then the punishment is not working. Many parents make this mistake, focusing on the punishment rather than the misbehavior. If you punish your child five or six times a day for the same misbehavior, the punishment is not working. If you keep adding to the punishment and the misbehavior continues, the punishment is not working. It is not the punishment that is important but the misbehavior. A punishment must change the misbehavior. If it doesn't, try something else. You may think that yelling, threatening, scolding, and spanking are good punishments. These reactions release your anger, but they are not good punishments; they have little long-term effect on misbehavior. Anger and punishment do not mix.

Do Not Punish When You Are Angry
Linda hurried home one day to take her dog to the vet. When she arrived home, she heard someone in the house. She was ready to run next door and call the police when she heard a giggle. She called out. There was another giggle. She went into her thirteen-year-old daughter's bedroom. Another giggle. Nancie and two friends were hiding in the closet, skipping school. Linda was so angry she could not think straight. All she could say was, "Nancie, it's going to take me and your father a few days to think about how you will be punished for this." Linda did not let her anger get in the way of being rational and making a good judgment. Allowing her daughter to worry for a few days is a pretty good punishment all by itself.

Whenever I do a workshop on punishment, I explain this next point carefully. For many parents, this is an idea with considerable impact. When you punish in anger, you are actually doing two things at the same time-punishing, and reacting with anger. What if your child intended to get you angry? What if your child wanted to get even or retaliate because of something that happened earlier? Seeing you get angry is not a punishment. It is a reward! When you get angry at a misbehavior, you are teaching your child how to have control over your emotional state of mind. You are giving your child power over you. This is a payoff; the misbehavior is reinforced, not punished. As a result, the misbehavior increases. The effects of the punishment are negated by the reward of getting you angry. Some children would trade a swat on the bottom for the power they receive when they have succeeded in getting you angry. The only way to break this cycle of retaliation is to stop punishing with anger. If you find yourself getting angry, walk away. Dispense with your anger first, then confront the misbehavior. Do not let your children push your buttons.

Do not punish when you are angry. Cool off first. The purpose of punishment is to teach your children to behave better in the future, not to get even. Sometimes your children can make you very angry, but this is not the time to hand out punishment. I remember a child who was upset because he was grounded forever. When I spoke with his dad, he explained that the boy had lost some of his tools. He got so angry at his son, he grounded him for the rest of his life. He overreacted.

When you overreact because you are angry, you may say things that you do not mean. You cannot ground a child for life. Do not punish when you are angry. You will be teaching your children that punishment is a form of revenge.

The purpose of punishment is to change a misbehavior and teach better decision making. Punishment is most effective when it is predetermined and planned. Punishment does not work well as an impulsive reaction. When you become angry, you are acting as a model for negative behavior. You will not be teaching your children to make better decisions.

Your One-Year-Old: Beginning Discipline (2)

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Babies do things like act out or cry as a way of coping with stress. Usually it's because she is bored, tired, hungry, frustrated, or worried. Try to identify the underlying cause and address that, along with the behavior.
If baby is acting a bit off or cranky, bring out one of her favorite toys. If baby is still impatient or cranky, he's probably tired, hungry, or overstressed. If he's excited to see the toy, he's probably just bored.
Notice if the same things cause your baby to become frustrated. If you stop to think about it, you may find a pattern. For example, some babies just don't like toys with too much noise, and some need quiet time in the crib in order to make a bowel movement. Keep your baby in the situations that she naturally likes.
The most important rule for beginning discipline is for you to stay consistent. Don't switch gears or rules on the baby. This will only confuse her and it's especially important to consider this if you and your spouse have different rules. For example, one parent lets baby climb on the sofa and the other parent does not.
Babies like it when they have your approval, so focus on the good things and praise, praise, praise!
Notice if baby is acting out while you are trying to change something—for example, switching from bottle to cup. This could be bothering her and you may not even realize it. If this is true, you can decide to hold off on the weaning for now. It's also a good idea to try to lose a bottle or pacifier while you're on vacation. In new surroundings, baby may become preoccupied and forget that item more easily than she would at home.
Think of the simple things when baby becomes fussy. Did I just take away her toy? Do I have any idea what made this happen?
Babies are sensitive, protective, and loving, and they feel this way towards others. Don't be surprised if baby is crying because another baby is crying. This is sweet.
Keep in mind that baby is independent right now and somewhat stubborn. Let her decide on the activities and your life will be a lot calmer. The key is to create a safe environment, provide boundaries, and then let baby explore and be adventurous. This is how she learns.
Don't confuse self-discipline with rewards. If you reward your baby with something physical every time he does something good, he'll begin to do other things less because he doesn't receive a prize. Balance this out by using rewards for only certain things, but teach that kisses and hugs are more valuable rewards.
If your baby wants to get down and go when you are trying to hold him on your lap, save yourself a lot of trouble by letting him down to play. Don't be too apologetic. Other parents usually understand these things.
Try to react to situations calmly. If you are angry and aggressive in your reaction, you will probably only escalate the situation with the baby.
Try these steps if you get overloaded: stop whatever you're doing, take ten deep breaths, relax, think happy thoughts, and take a shower. Put your baby in a safe place like a crib and give yourself a short break.
Never, never, never mimic your baby or call your baby names. This will break her spirit for life.
In short, if you spank your baby, you're teaching your baby that it's okay to hit and I'm not sure that's the lesson you want to teach.
Babies tend to turn up spoiled later because they aren't given consistent rules and boundaries. It's frustrating to them because they don't have rules or don't know what the rules are, so they become angry and act out.
Don't give in to baby if she's fussing over your boundaries and limits. I think babies understand this action more than anything else!

Checklist for a contented baby:

Lots of rest.
Lots of attention.
Praise and rewards.
Activity and movement.
Peace at home.
A feeling of protection.

Your One-Year-Old: Beginning Discipline (1)

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Rule #1: The word "discipline" means teaching, not punishing.

Understand that, at this age, baby is beginning to learn the word no. Only use it when you mean it, and expect baby to challenge you on it every time for a while. For example, be sure to use the word no when she's unsafe. This will help her understand the concept faster.
The key here is not to teach your baby that the only time she gets attention from you is when she's bad. Do this by spending just as much time and attention noticing when she's good.
Start taking your baby to a house of worship early. This way, she will learn about respect and how to be quiet at an early age.
Do you ever wonder how some parents keep their babies so quiet and reverent at houses of worship? It's because they take it seriously, and they don't train baby to consider it "fun time." Try not to bring disruptive things like lots of foods and snacks, coloring books, toys, or the like. Let your baby see others being quiet and they will learn to be quiet.
At this age, babies are just beginning to understand your commands, and they learn this by cause and effect. If I do this, then this happens. So if baby does something wrong that is a cause, be sure to have an effect like "No! No!" and then change the situation.
Don't forget the "Poppa Bear" strategy, in which Poppa comes in and reinforces the "No! No!" in an even lower and more commanding tone. This strategy is my favorite for teaching discipline.
Using the "out of sight, out of mind" strategy also works well at this age, when it's hard to discipline. Childproof your home and simply put things out of sight that baby shouldn't have.
During the earlier months, baby will do things like pull hair and such when she's really just trying to show you affection. When these moments come along, say, "No! No!" in a sweet tone and try to replace the action with something that is positive like a kiss on the hand.
It's better to distract babies at this age than to try to use a method like "time-outs." Time-outs are when you put baby into a spot removed from the situation for several minutes at a time. The method usually doesn't work because #1, babies this age have no idea what you are trying to accomplish, and #2, they don't remember what they did wrong in the first place. Parents end up giving in when baby won't sit for more than one second and at the end of the day, giving in is an even worse problem than the original situation.
Ignoring your baby's bad behavior at this age and until you know baby "gets it" is actually the recommended treatment.
Baby will be naturally happier when she knows you are protecting her from harm.
When distracting baby or changing the situation is necessary, be sure to offer an alternative. For example, take away the knick-knack and in a cheerful voice say, "No! No! How about your purple block? It's so much fun to play with blocks!"
Tell baby what she can and cannot have, in a flat and factual tone, with an explanation and love. "You cannot play with this because you will hurt yourself and I love you too much to let you hurt yourself." Even if you don't think she gets it right away, the repetitiveness will help her to figure out what you're saying and what the boundaries are.

Disciplining Your Toddler

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Good disciplinary techniques are constructive. The best thing to do when your child decides to become temporarily psychotic (that is, when she pitches a tantrum) is to do nothing. If you happen to be in a public place and are concerned that someone is going to think you are the crazy one, simply pick up your child, carry her out to your car, buckle her safely into her car seat, latch the childproof door locks, put in earplugs, and drive away. You do not want to indulge your child and cave in to the tantrum. This is an endurance contest, and you're the one who has to endure it.

Taking Time for Time Out

When a toddler reaches the age of two or older and has language skills, you can use disciplinary techniques like time out. In this technique, you tell your errant child that he or she is in time out and has to sit in a certain place for a certain period of time. You use a timer and keep the time-out period short—it's intended as a cool-down period, not as a punishment. Other, closely related disciplinary techniques are to send your child to stand in the corner, or the well-known “Go to your room!” command.

Making Your Disciplinary Efforts Effective

The key to discipline is to understand why you are using it—because that is the message you're going to be communicating to your child. You are your child's universe and your child's primary teacher. You teach by example and by how you relate to your child. If your discipline is erratic, your child will never understand what brings it on, and thus won't know what behaviors he or she is expected to change.

If you teach your child through intimidation, he may question his worth and how much you actually love him. The child will not get the message that his behavior is something you want to change. He will simply assume there is something about him that you do not like. This is not the message you want to convey unless you want to set aside money for your child's later therapy.

Love—the Best Behavior Motivator of All

The best gift you can give your child is the knowledge of how much he is loved. You do this through the way you talk to him and the way you employ discipline. There is an expression in the Torah: “When you discipline a child you push away with one hand as you pull closer with the other.” You want to be firm but you never want a child to question whether you love him.

This is why it's important not to discipline out of anger. It is not wrong to show your displeasure with the child as long as you make it clear that you're objecting to the behavior, and not to the child. Never call your child derogatory names when you are angry about something he has done. We all get frustrated. But you have to bite your tongue before something mean comes out that you will regret later. Your child will internalize whatever you say to him. He is not going to have the ability to evaluate what you say and conclude, “Oh, she didn't mean it.”

Look for Techniques That Suit You

The many good books on discipline techniques can help you develop your style. Keep in mind the age of your child, your child's attention span, and whether you're dealing with an act of defiance or a simple excess of childhood enthusiasm. As your child ages he or she will assert his or her will in more obvious ways—and while you may not like all of these ways, they will not always call for discipline.

Dealing with Dangerous Defiance

Overt defiance in areas that can effect your child's health and safety, or the comfort and safety of others, must be addressed with discipline and limits of some sort. At other times you may want to consider your child's reasons and let him flex his muscles. You don't want complete control over your child. You are looking for authority in your home, and even though you are talking about a small child you ultimately want mutual respect. This is, after all, a person we are talking about here—even if he or she is only two feet tall. You want to give your child room to grow, even in ways that are not the same as the ways you grew. You want to use discipline to help your child achieve that growth, not to kill his spirit.

Should Toddlers Ever Be Punished?

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Most actions that a toddler takes that might warrant punishment in an older child are things that she cannot help doing. By nature, toddlers are curious about things, explore them, and experiment with them. So before you punish your one-year-old, stop to consider: Does she really deserve punishment and was it truly your child's fault?

Did your toddler break something or play with something that was dangerous? Well, how did she get ahold of it in the first place? Who left it in her reach?

Did she pull someone's hair? If so, do you really think it was mean-spirited? Early toddlers most often hurt others not out of aggression, but as part of the process of exploring other people as if they were objects. When your toddler sees anything new, including a new person, she will want to explore it: She'll push it, pull it, poke it, scratch it, bang on it, kick it, and of course, bite it—just to see what happens. In all likelihood, your child did not intend to cause harm—and in fact, may still be incapable of intending much of anything, including hurting someone.

Until your child more fully understands the dynamics of cause and effect, of actions and their consequences, punishment and fear of punishment will do nothing to promote good behavior or deter bad behavior. And in the final analysis, is it fair to punish your toddler simply for being a toddler and behaving like one?

Disciplinary Techniques That Work for Toddlers and Preschoolers (3)

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Set Clear Verbal Limits

Obviously, it's not okay for Helen to push Mira off the swing. You set limits with your voice, “Helen, you may not push Mira. We are gentle with our friends. I'd like you to come down now.” Even when kids are very verbal and understand what you are saying (and why), they may not have self-control, and they may not be capable of stopping themselves or obeying your requests. It's important to set the limits verbally, even when your child is too young to fully understand you. You're teaching your child that your family uses words to settle problems.

Set Physical Limits

Because it is rare with little kids that words are enough, follow up verbal limits with physical limits (and do it before you get angry, so there's no punitive quality to it). A physical limit is imposed when you stop a child from drawing on the wall with both your words—“No Padma, we don't draw on walls. I'm going to take you into the bathroom, now, and then we'll both clean it up”—and your actions.

Hitting them, beating them, and chaining them to the wall—we've already established that these are not options with your kids. (Actually, I shouldn't joke about this. For some people, it's not so self-evident.) Kids don't always listen, and their bodies sometimes need help stopping dangerous activity. If your two-year-old is running into traffic, saying, “Pookie, that's not such a great idea,” is not such a great idea. Pick up your child!

Physical limits—like removing the pen from Padma's hand-are different from physical disciplinary techniques (like slapping the pen from her hand). Physical disciplinary techniques are not okay with one exception: Sometimes little kids need to be physically restrained. Physical restraint is like a very strong hug, and, without hurting a child, simply restrains her until she can calm down.

Provide Choices

Choices are a part of daily life with toddlers (“Do you want to wear the red sweater or the blue one?“) and they are an essential part of teaching them discipline. Giving a kid choices (“Will you stop throwing sand or should I help you stop?”) teaches her that she's entitled to opinions, and that she has some say in her own life. It shows her respect, and it demonstrates your trust. Remember that kids may not always be able to choose from the choices you've given them. Here's the thing: No matter whether or not they can, you need to give them options. The more experience they have with making choices at a young age (especially when under stress), the better they'll do when they're teenagers faced with larger, more life-threatening choices (like, “He's really cute, and so are his friends. If I have a few drinks with him, he's really gonna like me even more.”).

Natural Consequences

Little kids are rarely logical enough to understand logical consequences, so the best approach is to allow, and point out, natural consequences. “You hit Davey, now Davey is sad and crying, and he doesn't want to play with you anymore today.” “You threw your cereal on the floor, now it is all gone.”

Disciplinary Techniques That Work for Toddlers and Preschoolers (2)

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Use Active Listening and the “Sportscasting” Technique

Active listening mirrors back to the speaker what she's said. Since little kids are not very verbally skilled, using active listening with little kids relies more on “hearing” what they are saying through their actions, than does on listening to their words. It's a way of letting them know what you understand about their feelings, and it's a way of helping them clarify how they feel.

“Sportscasting” is related to our old friend, active listening, though it concentrates more on the events, rather than on the feelings involved. In sportscasting, you observe and describe what is going on. “Judy, I see you are dumping sand out of the sandbox and throwing your trucks. I saw that Henri laughed at you.” As a result, your child is able to figure out why she's feeling bad about the event. Like active listening, sportscasting can be used to help resolve conflicts. You're merely the announcer, describing events and letting each child see that he's been seen, and that there is somebody else, too, who has a point of view on the subject. That's a step toward kids' resolving their own problems.

Time-Out Techniques

A time-out is a way of separating your child from the moment, person, or object that is causing the trouble. It's a way of saying, “C'mon, Dude, take a rest from it.”
It's not a “punishment” and it shouldn't be threatened. (“Jerry, stop biting or I'll put you in a time-out!”) A time-out should simply be imposed, immediately, when appropriate.
Keep it very brief. The idea is to break the action and mood (not the child!) and allow a little cooldown. For little ones, keep a time- out to one minute per age.
You can put a child in a time-out in a separate room (more on this in the “Behave Yourself!” sidebar) but a better idea is to keep the child near you, perhaps in a special chair.
When a child returns from a time-out, don't put him back into the environment (or activity) that was part of the problem. Start him on a new activity (redirec-tion-see below) and immediately find something positive to reinforce. For example, say Lance is throwing food and Vikas and Katie are laughing hysterically. Lance won't stop, so you separate him from the action for three minutes in another room. When you bring him back, don't put him back at the table with Vikas and Katie. Give him painting materials and positive feedback (“What great colors!”).

Redirecting the Action

Most disciplinary techniques for toddlers and preschoolers involve redirection. It may be the most basic disciplinary technique of all. If you don't like a baby grabbing at your hair, you give him a rattle to hold. As kids get a little bigger, redirection becomes part of almost every disciplinary action, whether active listening or sportscasting, imposing verbal or physical limits, or using natural consequences, time-outs, and so on. Redirection is a way to move through the misbehavior and onward to something else, and keeps the discipline from becoming punitive.

Disciplinary Techniques That Work for Toddlers and Preschoolers (1)

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Part of a child's development involves learning social rules. It's your job as a parent to teach your little child how to be well behaved.

Many of the problem-prevention techniques and disciplinary consequences designed to help you raise a well-behaved child, and described earlier in this book, are also effective with little kids, with a few adjustments for their age group. I'll describe nine techniques that work especially well for toddlers and preschoolers. Some of these you've seen earlier (geared for older kids), and some are here for the first time:

Stop the action
Look for the positive intent
Educate
Set clear verbal limits
Set physical limits
Provide choices
Natural consequences
Use active listening and the “sportscasting” technique
Time-out techniques
Redirecting the action

Stop the Action and Look for the Positive Intent

Say Helen shoves Mira off the swing. First you stop the action. “Helen, stop pushing. What's going on?” Once you have the children's attention (and this may mean providing a physical limit, too; see below), you can look for the positive intent. No matter how terribly your toddler or preschooler expresses her feelings (whether curiosity, anger, or whatever), it's important to honor the positive intent and impulse behind the behavior as a part of how you respond to her. That does not mean only acknowledging that it's there. The misbehavior is not okay, and you need to deal with it, but until you let the child know that you understand why the misbehavior happened, any consequences will not be fully effective.

What's Helen's positive intent? Helen may be feeling angry at Mira and unclear how to best express it, she may be trying an experiment to see what happens to Mira when she falls, or she may simply want the swing.

“Helen, it seems as though you want Mira off the swing,” you might say. You don't know exactly why she's pushed Mira, but you're honoring the fact that Helen has a reason, or an emotion, behind her behavior. When you look for the positive intent, you're trying to find an impulse or a need in your child that you can support, so that your correction comes from a place of empathy.

Educate

Your little one also needs to know the impact of her actions. “Helen, when you push Mira off the swing, it hurts her.” Helen may simply be unaware of how strong she is, too. Giving her information about the consequences of her actions is part of teaching her to make decisions on her own.

Disciplining Your Toddler: Put the Brakes on Aggression

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Your toddler's violence always demands an immediate response. Don't ever ignore acts of aggression by your toddler (or by other toddlers who might be visiting for a playdate). Violence cannot be condoned. If you ignore it, your child will think it's okay. So respond quickly and clearly to hitting, kicking, scratching, hair pulling, poking, pushing, biting, and throwing things.

Whenever your toddler hurts another child, go to the other child and offer comfort first, even before you discipline your own child. Correcting violence is not simply a matter of disciplining your child and teaching her right from wrong. It also is an opportunity to model empathetic, caring, and compassionate behavior toward others. So make sure that your toddler sees you offering comfort to the victim. In time, she will begin to emulate your behavior.

While offering comfort to the injured child, clearly state to your own toddler that hurting another person is not allowed. Show your child the teeth marks or scratches or bruises on the child she victimized. Point out the injured child's tears and tell your toddler what they mean: that your child hurt the other. Finally, proscribe the specific violent behavior of your child: "No biting—ever!" or "Hitting is never allowed!"

While focusing your initial attention on the victimized child, don't let too much time lapse before disciplining your child. A time-out should be automatic in instances of violent behavior. But if you delay too long before beginning the time-out, your toddler will have a hard time making a connection between the unacceptable behavior and the punishment.

During the second half of the third year, or earlier if your child appears ready for it, you may be able to enlist your toddler's assistance in caring for her victim. Before or after her time-out, your child needs to tell the other toddler, "I'm sorry." Encourage your child to offer some comfort, too: perhaps by kissing the injured spot or by getting a Band-Aid.

Even though your child may not understand every word you say, she will know from your tone and your facial expression that she shouldn't have done what she did. Speak sharply and sternly, but try to avoid yelling, which will only frighten your child (and also may scare the injured child you're trying to comfort). After you start yelling at your child, her emotional response to your anger will most likely block out any further message you want to communicate.

If a child bites, hits, or kicks you while you are disciplining her, put her in the time-out chair immediately, gently, and firmly. (No matter how tempted you become, don't throw her down into the chair.) Say, "No kicking!" and start the time-out at once. If you need to get your own anger under control before you can deal fairly with your child's misbehavior, then walk away for a minute or two.

Ten Questions to Ask Before You Punish

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Will this punishment teach my child better decision-making skills?
Does this punishment change the misbehavior?
Does this punishment reduce the need for more punishment?
Am I getting angry when I punish?
Is this punishment part of a plan? Do I use it impulsively?
Am I getting even? Will this punishment humiliate or embarrass my child?
Am I being consistent?
Will I follow through immediately (except when I am angry)?
Is this punishment reasonable and fair?
Have I tried positive remedies first?

Effective Punishment

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Punishment tells a child what not to do, but it doesn't tell him what to do instead. Let's be honest. You've tried every form of punishment you can think of to get things to change and, so far, how well has it worked? Punishment doesn't teach a better, more appropriate alternative. It must be paired with information and feedback about what to do, not just what not to do. Don't get me wrong. Some kids seem to get the message with just one or two redirections (my euphemism for punishment). But you're not reading this book because you're raising that child. You're raising the child who makes you wonder if you'll ever get through to him.

Rules for Effective Punishment
Effective punishment:

Is preceded by a warning.
Has a set beginning and end.
Happens immediately.
Occurs at maximum intensity (does not increase in intensity or duration for additional infractions).
Is enforceable wherever your child is when the misbehavior occurs.
Is delivered in a matter-of-fact tone.
Is imposed every time that behavior occurs.
Is always accompanied by acknowledgment of the appropriate behaviors he should be demonstrating.

"Counting Out": An Easy Technique to Reduce Bad Behavior

2008-06-08T03:50:00.001-07:00

Sharon: Parents love to count. "I'm telling you, you have to the count of three to get up those steps and into your room." Or, "I'll give you until the count of ten to pick that up and put it back where it belongs." Then there's the countdown to explosion. "You have until the count of five to stop that. And I mean stop it completely. That's one. This is not a game. You're really trying my patience. That's two. Did you hear me? I'm not going to put up with this. That's three. I'm telling you, don't do that again. That's four. You don't want me to reach five. Okay, that's five. You really pushed me too far this time . . . !"

In wrestling, the referee counts to ten, but in a family, children have no idea what today's count is. They don't know whether to expect a lecture at the end of each number or the consequence for failing to comply with the mystery count. Moreover, parents use counting differently every time. And with all that talking between numbers, who can keep track of the count? To be effective, counting needs to be done the same way every time.

A counting procedure gives your child a limited time to change his behavior before he incurs the consequences. With a structured--and unvarying--counting procedure, your children know how long they have to shape up ... or else . . . and it's critical that they know what that "or else" will be. For example, give Junior until the count of three to stop teasing the dog or he has to go to his room for five minutes. Give your children until the count of four to stop bickering or you'll pull the car over and sit for ten minutes (making them late to the movie).

Guidelines for Counting

Each time a negative behavior occurs, the parent counts one number. That behavior "earns" a number. (Emphasize that the behavior "earns" the number to help your child make the connection between his own behavior and the outcome.) You can count different negative behaviors to reach "time-out."
When you announce each number, hold up one, two, three, or four fingers, as appropriate, and identify the behavior that earned the number, for example, "That's one, for yelling. That's two, for calling names. That's three, for arguing. You've earned a time-out." The most serious behaviors, such as hitting, earn an instant time-out.
If you reach the final number (often three of four--but make clear ahead of time what it is), the child "earns" a quiet time or time-out.
Set a timer for one minute. If he gets to the designated place for serving time-out before the timer rings, he owes a short time-out (e.g., five minutes). If he's not in the time-out place when the one-minute bell rings, he owes a long one (e.g., ten minutes).
If he refuses to go to time-out, he will have no family privileges until he serves the time-out. That means no screen time (anything that uses a screen--TV, videos, computer, video games, Internet, etc.), no snacks or sweets, no outside play, no friends in the house--none of the big stuff you can readily control.
Once in time-out, set the timer for the predetermined time, e.g., one minute per year of age. When it rings, calmly tell him time's up. No lectures, nagging, or sermonizing is allowed.
If your child doesn't reach the final count within a fixed interval (such as twenty or thirty minutes), you start over. Any new misbehavior earns a new starting count of "one". You can't count him out for three behaviors that occur twelve hours apart.
Important: Reinforce your child for intervals when he doesn't hit the final number. Offer an incentive to stop before he reaches time-out, rather than just the disincentive for going too far. Tell him he can earn the incentive if he doesn't earn time out during a specific interval such as an hour, a half day, or a whole day.
If you're heading for a difficult situation where there is likely to be trouble, up the ante. Offer a double bonus if your child doesn't reach the final number.

Guidelines for Time-Out

The time-out procedure puts space between parent and child and between the child and anything that might perpetuate the behavior.
Time-out should be in a quiet area, away from family "traffic," with no access to TV or computer. It can be on a mat, in a chair, or in a separate room.
In a matter-of-fact tone, parents state the behavior, remind the child of the rule that was broken, than say "Time-out." No discussion until after the time-out, if then.
Set timer for one minute to allow time for the child to go to the time-out spot. If he's there before the bell, he owes a short time-out. If not, he owes a longer one.
The rule of the thumb is that the length of time-out is based on age. A short time-out for a five-year-old is five minutes. A long time-out is ten minutes. Once he is in the time-out area, set the timer.
Time-out is over when the bell rings, not before.

The Basics of Discipline

2008-06-08T03:49:00.000-07:00

by Cindy Bond

Madelyn Swift is a renowned author and the president of "Childright," where she helps teachers and parents develop respectful, self-disciplined children.

You believe that there's a difference between discipline and punishment.

M.S.: Punishment is doing something hurtful to someone else because you don't like what he did. This includes social pain, such as taking away unrelated privileges; emotional pain, using verbal assaults and belittling: and physical pain like spanking, or pushing. Discipline is teaching kids principles that they can use to guide their lives. I base a lot of what I teach to parents and teachers on age-old wisdom -- the "Law of the Harvest": You reap what you sow; and "The Golden Rule": Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

You've come up with four steps to discipline. What are they?

M.S.: When a parent disciplines a child, he usually asks himself, "How do I get this child to behave?" or "How do I get this child to stop?" To stay on the path to true discipline, the parent should ask himself, "What lesson does this child need to learn, and how can I teach it?" This is where parents falter. It's hard to figure out what lessons we want to teach our kids other than "Never do that again!"

Parents have to identify the problem and gain the child's cooperation. To do this, you must mean business, but also show respect to the child. Talk about the problem. And finally, evaluate if the lesson was taught.

Here's an example: My young son won't go to bed. So, what do I want to teach him? First, that when I say that it's time for bed, it is, because routine is important. Another lesson is that going to sleep at bedtime is important for good health. And my third lesson is that in healthy relationships, people work together, not against each other. So, even though I have set a limit with the bedtime, I still work with my son to make him as comfortable as possible. He can play with his stuffed animals, listen to tapes, or imagine that he is a character from a book as he lies in bed.

Why do parents have such a hard time saying "no" to their kids?

M.S.: I think it's partly because we don't spend as much time with our children as we think we should, so we feel guilty. When we are with them, we want to be their friend and make them happy. We think that the best way to do this is to say "yes" all the time. We're horribly misguided.

And when we feel guilty, we overindulge our kids. This is no gift to children. Kindergarten and first-grade teachers tell me that their biggest problem with students is that they won't be quiet when the teachers are talking. This is partly due to parents' overindulging their kids. No one ever tells kids, "Just a moment please, Mommy and Daddy are talking."

Lots of parents rely on time-outs. Does this method really work?

M.S.: Time-outs are easy -- you can put a child in time-out for anything and there's no thinking required. But time-outs are now being used as a punishment. And like any punishment, the first couple of times you use it, it works quickly and effectively, but then it starts to lose its effectiveness.

Originally, a time-out was only used with kids when they were crying and bent out of shape. It was supposed to be a gift of time and space, not a form of punishment. A time-out gives an upset child the right to do nothing until he calms down. It can take place in a parent's arms, in a chair, or on the floor. It's our best tool in the arsenal of anger management.

Is it ever too late to begin setting limits with kids?

M.S.: It's only too late when the child doesn't live with you anymore. To set limits, you must be very committed, you must have the child's best interests at heart, and you must believe wholeheartedly that you're doing the right thing. The mistakes parents make tend to be based on their own personalities. The changes I had to make as a parent went right up against who I've always been. It's very hard to change!

Good Kids, Bad Behavior

2008-06-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

By Jonathan Brush, Ph.D., M.D.

6 to 18 Months
While playing together, your baby suddenly bites your arm. What do you do?

DON'T
1. Don't bite back. Many parents think this will teach the baby not to bite, but babies don't understand that their biting causes you pain and vice-versa. The only result is that you both hurt, and your relationship will suffer.

DO
1. Pull the baby away and firmly say, "No biting. Biting hurts."
2. Show alternative behavior such as hugging.
3. Give babies who are teething something soft to bite.

Babies babble, scream, hit, cry, and bite to communicate their needs. They touch and explore to learn about their bodies and the environment, not to hurt or willfully disobey. We need to limit behavior which is dangerous or hurts others, but not in a way which frightens or harms the baby. Our goal is to help our babies show their feelings without hurting themselves or others.

1. Watch for signals and learn to tell when your baby is overexcited or upset.
2. Show babies how to express their needs in different ways, such as clapping or laughing.
3. Be consistent in your responses.

Ages 2 to 3
Kicking and screaming, your child throws a tantrum on the floor of the toy store because you won't buy the toy she wants. What do you do?

DON'T
1. Don't try to reason with your toddler. Children cannot listen during a tantrum.
2. Don't lose your temper, because this will frighten your child and set a bad example.
3. Don't give in to your child, because this rewards bad behavior and encourages tantrums.
4. Don't bribe your child with a candy or other treats. He may start demanding such bribes to behave.

DO
1. Stay calm and don't worry about what others think.
2. Ignore the fuss. Give your child as little attention as possible.
3. Hold your child, if necessary, to prevent injury or damage to property.
4. Leave the store if the tantrum continues.
5. When your child is calm, explain that you will leave the store whenever she throws a tantrum.
6. Reward good behavior by spending some special time together as soon afterwards as possible.

We've all heard of the "terrible twos" as a time when children become defiant and unmanageable. This may be how it seems at times, but children need to go through this stage. They need to discover their own strengths, to separate themselves from their parents, and to learn self-control. We can teach our children to behave properly by rewarding good behavior, ignoring provocative behavior, and preventing them from injuring themselves or others.

1. Before entering the store, describe the behavior you expect and the consequences of misbehavior.
2. Feel secure in your overall strategy, so that you don't feel the urge to negotiate or give in.

Ages 3 to 4
Your child pushes or pinches a playmate, or uses inappropriate language. What do you do?

DON'T
1. Don't spank your child. This teaches that hitting is okay if you're bigger.
2. Don't criticize or lose your temper. This lowers your child's self-esteem and sets a bad example.
3. Don't isolate your child from peers.

DO
1. Listen to your child's reason for getting angry and support his right to his feelings, expressed appropriately.
2. Tell your child the appropriate words to communicate the feelings.
3. Give your child a "time out" using the following rules:

Rules for "Time Out"
1. Tell your child in a firm, controlled voice that he's going to have a time-out.
2. Place your child near, but separate from, the desired activity.
3. Tell your child that he will have to sit quietly for as many minutes as his age. For example, a three-year-old sits for three minutes.
4. Time out is not over until the child sits quietly for the set amount of time.

Children at this age are beginning to learn the rules and limits, but they make mistakes. They need reminders and immediate consequences that respect their growing self-esteem and help them learn without embarrassment or an angry confrontation with their parent.

1. Observe how your child plays and compliment good behavior. For example: "I really liked how you asked for your turn on the swing."
2. Be sure you and other adults in your child's life are good role models in expressing feelings.

http://life.familyeducati on.com/behavior/parenting/29732.html?detoured=1

Parenting Your Negative Child

2008-06-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

Children with extremes in negative temperament always seem to be in a bad mood. Their constant complaints and apparent unhappiness can wear on a parent. It's easy to fall into a pattern of negative interactions with this child. You have to develop coping strategies that work for you and your child to manage his negative outlook, so that you can teach him appreciation for the small joys in everyday life. A good way to cope with a negative temperament is to take a four-prong approach.

Ignore Some Bad Moods

When you don't react to his negativity, you move forward in extinguishing negative behaviors. You don't ignore the child when he's in a bad mood; you ignore the mood. An attitude that conveys acceptance of your child, negative temperament and all, will keep your relationship intact and allow you to influence his positive development.

Identify the Underlying Needs

You'll soon learn your child's patterns of negative moods.

Often, it's worse in the morning, or right after school. He's vulnerable to irritability when he's tired or hungry. New situations are bound to elicit a negative reaction. Social interactions at school and play groups are strained or conflicted. He wants your attention, and whining is his strategy for getting it. When you address his underlying needs for physical well being; structure and regularity in daily life; planning for new situations; social development; and positive attention from you, your child will develop the ability to moderate his negative moods.

Confront Negativity

Don't allow your child to escalate his mood, or control the family atmosphere with constant complaining and negative reactions. Confront irrational statements, or point out the positive aspects of a situation. If he doesn't come around, use a simple 'That's enough, I understand that you feel that way, but . . . ' Move on with your activities and let him know that the subject is closed.

Teach Positive Behavior

Though asking a child with a negative temperament to develop a cheerful, positive attitude is a tall order, you can help him learn to act positively even when he's not too happy about it! Encourage him to make a positive effort when his first reaction is negative. Guide him to make amends when he has damaged a social relationship with his negative attitude. Help him develop hobbies and interests that he enjoys, and that provide relief or calming of a negative mood. Give him choices between two options even when he's not happy about either. Show him lots of affection and love so that he will learn to share the same. Share your joy and thankfulness with and for him to provide a model for living that will allow him to overcome his challenging temperament.

Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You (3)

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Moving Forward
Step Three: Now put more of a focus into the relationships you have with the people whose names are circled. Remember that relationships, when healthy and supportive, are worth the time and energy you put into them, and give them the time that they deserve. As for the names that are crossed off, you can decide whether you want to keep sending them holiday cards and maintain a friendly rapport when you see them by chance, or if you want to make a clean break. But don’t allow them to continue to add stress and negativity to your life. Reserve your energy for your true friends.
If some of the names you encounter are those of family members, co-workers, or people who are for some other reason difficult to avoid, this article on dealing with difficult people can help you to deal with them in a way that will reduce the stress they can bring into your life.

Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You (2)

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Assessing a Relationship: Questions To Ask
Step Two: Circle the names of people who you know are positive: those who support you when you’re down and genuinely share your joy when good things happen to you. As for the others, evaluate the relationship honestly to see if it’s a benefit or a detriment to you. The following questions may help:

Is this relationship worth the amount of work required to maintain it?
Is this a person I would choose to have in my life if we just met today? Or have I been holding onto this relationship out of habit?
Does this person make me feel good about myself? Am I uncomfortable around them?
Is this friend competitive with me in a negative way?
Do I like who I am when I’m with them? Or do we seem to bring out the worst in each other?
How deeply can I trust this person? Could I count on them if I needed to? Could I share my feelings freely?
Do we have common interests and values? If not, do I benefit from the differences?
Am I receiving as much as I give?
If I gave this relationship the effort it deserves, would it benefit me and enrich my life?

After answering some of these questions, you should have a clearer picture of whether this relationship is positive or negative for you.

Circle the person’s name if you believe that the relationship is positive and supportive, or if it could be, given an appropriate amount of time and energy. Otherwise, cross off the name.

Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You (1)

2008-06-08T03:21:00.000-07:00

Relationships: Your Social Circle
Research shows that having ambivalent friendships in your life—relationships where interactions are sometimes supportive and positive and sometimes hostile or negative—can actually cause more stress than relationships that are consistently negative! Additionally, relationship conflict and stress have been shown to have a clear negative impact on health, affecting blood pressure, contributing to heart disease, and correlating with other conditions. That’s why it’s in your best interest to minimize or eliminate negative relationships in your life. The following plan can help you to minimize the stress of ambivalent relationships in your life.
Step One: Make a list of friendships in your life. Include everyone you think of when you think of your ‘friends’, including those you only see on your holiday card list, those you see regularly, and everyone in between.

Also include romantic partners, if they're in your life now or may come back into your life at some point.

Relationships: Your Social Circle
Assessing a Relationship: Questions To Ask
Moving Forward

Stress and Family Life

2008-06-08T03:04:00.001-07:00

Stress is a reality that all families face, and the effects of stress can impede our functioning in all areas of life. Two factors determine whether stress in family life leads to a maladaptive response or to new learning that makes us more resilient for the future.

Garmezy & Rutter* describe how the positive or negative impact of a stressful event depends on:

'the degree of interruption and disarray set into motion by the event; and
the presence of psychological and physical buffers that regulate the harshness of the stressor.'

When stress is minor, we are able to re-balance with everyday coping skills. When a major stress event occurs, or stress accumulates over time, our psychological and physical resources may see insufficient and our functioning as a family deteriorates.

Though family life stress is inevitable, we can take steps to reduce its negative impact on our emotions, rational thinking, parenting, work, and the important relationships in our life.
Make a Plan to Reduce Stress

We can't control many of the major stressful events that affect our families, but we can plan changes that will prevent the accumulation of minor stressors. Family organization, delegation, routines, and rituals all disrupt the cycle of stress; and keep our family life in balance.

Communicate Feelings

Social support is a key to positive coping with stress. Allow and encourage family members to talk about feelings during stressful times. Open communication makes your family a supportive foundation of positive adaptation to life stress.

Seek Support in Your Network

It means so much to have a friend we can talk to when we are anxious and hurting. Take time to nurture friendships regularly so that 'busyness' doesn't get in the way of the relationships that sustain us in good times and bad.

Because serious stress affects our thinking and emotions, we often need outside counsel to get through the most stressful times. Friends, family, mentors, coaches, and counselors can help us process the emotions and conflicts. Then, we find the inner strength to see the steps we can take to resolve our stress in a way that brings hope to our family and teaches our children to be resilient in times of stress.

*Norman Garmezy & Michael Rutter. Stress, coping, and development in children. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1983. [cited in Wolfe, David A. Child Abuse: Implications for Child Development and Psychopathology. Thousand Oaks: Sage, 1999]

What if your child doesn't do what you tell him? This is a critical point, and how you handle it can make or break your discipline effectiveness early

2008-06-08T03:01:00.000-07:00

Following these steps to gain compliance from your child will prevent frustration, anger and resentment between parent and child.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: 15 minutes
Here's How:

Stop and decide what you want your child to do.
Get the child's attention. Move closer to him or call him to come to you. Make direct eye contact.
Tell him what to do directly and firmly. Don't ask, though you may offer a choice if you wish. Don't end your instruction with "OK?"
Don't let him sidetrack you with whining, excuses, or arguing. Restate your instructions one more time if necessary then watch to make sure he begins.
Praise him when he does the task quickly and well. "You did a good job with those dishes."
If he doesn't begin doing what you said or doesn't finish, say: "What did I tell you to do?" When he answers correctly, say, "Good, now do it."
If he doesn't do it, then Stop the World. He doesn't do another thing until he does what you told him to do.
Decide the consequence you will impose and go to the child to warn him of the consequence.
Move closer to him than normal, conversational distance. Make direct prolonged eye contact and tell him the consequence of not doing what you asked.
Give him the opportunity to complete the task now. When he does, praise him.
If he still doesn't comply, send him to "Siberia" - to his room to cool off while you do the same.
Go into his room and tell him that the consequence you stated earlier is now in effect - grounding, no TV, extra chore, removal of privilege.
Do not let him return to the family group until he has completed the original task that you gave him.

Child Discipline Series

2008-06-08T03:00:00.001-07:00

What if your child doesn't do what you tell him? This is a critical point, and how you handle it can make or break your discipline effectiveness early on. Elaine Gibson gives an outstanding strategy for gaining compliance that discusses different stages and approaches. To put it very simply, this is what you do:

1. Give one reminder. Say, What did I ask you to do? If your child responds correctly, say Good. Now do it. If she gives you that well-known blank stare, then get her full attention and tell her one more time, being very specific and firm.

2. Give one warning. Now is the time to tell the child what the consequence for non-compliance will be. For more resources and ideas on consequences see the Net Links below.

3. Notice when your child does what you asked and praise her.If she doesn't comply, implement the consequence immediately. Good consequences should be brief and related to the misbehavior.

The Big List of Consequences

2008-06-08T02:58:00.000-07:00

Before we get to the list, a few general guidelines on giving consequences:

Make your rules, expectations, and requests simple and clear. Use eye contact and a firm voice. Ask your child to restate the rule or request so you know that he understands. Notice when he follows the rule or complies with your request and give him positive attention for doing so.
Know what the consequence will be before the misbehavior or noncompliance occurs. Don't decide in the heat of the moment. If you have to give a consequence and you haven't decided beforehand, send your child to her room and tell her that you will come in to tell her what the consequence will be in a short time.
Give a warning. Kids get carried away; but when you give a warning of the consequence to come, you focus their attention to the appropriate behavior.

Older kids especially have a strong sense of fairness. When they receive a consequence after they have been warned, they accept the consequence and learn from it, rather than playing a victim role.
Don't start with your big gun. You might have to add on another consequence, so you need to be able to use progressively unpleasant consequences for persistent misbehavior. Most consequences should be immediate, brief, and related to the misbehavior. Don't ground your child for a week in a fit of pique. Ground them for the rest of the day. Trust me, you'll get your point across and save yourself a lot trouble.
If a consequence isn't working, try something new or rethink your approach. Are you making your expectations crystal clear? Are you attending to and reinforcing positive behavior? Are you being consistent in applying the consequence? Are you undermining the consequence by letting him off early or allowing other desirable activities to replace the consequence? Remember that the purpose of a consequence for misbehavior is for the child to look at the result of their behavior and learn from it.

When Parents Disagree about Discipline

2008-06-08T02:55:00.000-07:00

Differences in Family Histories
Our childhood experiences of family life form many of the beliefs and actions that 'seem right' as we raise our own children. When two individuals marry and begin to raise children, differences in family histories can be a source of disagreements over discipline and child-rearing practices.

To resolve disagreements about discipline, it's often helpful to recognize first that our family experience in childhood may be very different from our spouse's family history. Because our experience of family life in childhood forms our beliefs about what children and parents should or shouldn't do, the potential is high for clashing beliefs to lead to parenting disagreements.

How to Resolve Discipline Disagreements Rooted in Family History Differences

Recognize that strong beliefs about child rearing may have their basis in childhood family experiences.
At the same time, know that your spouse's beliefs have the same powerful roots.

Put your childhood experiences in historical perspective. Gender roles, child safety issues, environmental factors, and cultural norms change dramatically across the generations. What worked for your family 'back in the day' may not transfer comfortably to your current family situation.

What are the issues in modern family life that trigger a strong belief that the values and child-rearing practices from your childhood are important to uphold and continue in your own family?

Remember the positive experiences from your childhood. Think about your everyday life rather than the major events. What was going on around you during those happy times? It's fun to share these memories with your family, so make them a part of your traditions and family life.

What are the positive values and childhood experiences that you want to uphold and continue in your family?

Have a conversation between parents about the ways childhood histories may be influencing the disagreement about discipline. Take a problem-solving approach to identify:

What is the specific child-rearing issue that is causing disagreement between parents?
What are the feelings and beliefs that each parent has about the issue that may be rooted in childhood family history?

What problem-solving alternatives can each of you commit to that will resolve the disagreement and unite both parents in adapting the beliefs and practices of your families of origin to your family life today?

Finally, don't let negative childhood experiences determine your decision making about discipline. Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your family life in childhood to bring to your current parenting practices. This approach will free you to replace discipline strategies that don't work for both parents because of beliefs based in families of origin with solution-focused practices that respect and continue the positive experiences of both parents' childhoods.

Parenting Traps

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The Boundary Trap
Imagine a circle around the parents and another around the children in your family. How do power and communication flow between these two circles? The boundary between the parent circle and the child circle in a family can be both too porous or loose or too rigid and inflexible.

When boundaries are too loose in a family, the children have inappropriate power and control. This is often a family in chaos. The children call the shots, but deep down they are terrified of the power they hold over their parents. Even when the children are not exhibiting serious behavior problems, loose boundaries are seen in parent-child relationships that place too much of the adult world in the child's hands.

When boundaries between parents and children are too rigid, all of the power and control lies within the parent circle.

Not only is 'no back talk' the rule, no real communication takes place between the two circles. In a family with too rigid boundaries, children often move into an adolescence of withdrawal or extreme rebellion.

Spending Time with Children

2008-06-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

Most parents know the tug of feelings that go along with the real issue of spending quality and quantity time with their child. How many times do we wish we could be with our children when we have to work or fulfill other obligations that take us away from them? How many times do we wish for a little 'adult time' when we've just had enough of the daily routine of supervising homework and chores; chauffeuring kids; and attending school and extracurricular activities?

Opinions and beliefs about quantity vs. quality time with kids are sharp; and reflect our struggle to find balance in family life. Whether we work outside the home or not, family life with school-age children is hectic. It's easy to get into a busy schedule that leads us to feel disconnected from our children.

When our schedules and obligations take over, our feelings can guide us to plan a special family activity together.

When we feel like we're lost in kiddie world, our feelings can guide us to reconnect with our spouse or nurture our passion in creative or physical pursuits. When difficult feelings guide us to adjust the balance in our lives and the quantity and quality of our time with our child, a few simple steps will put us back in balance.
Allow yourself to have childlike fun. If you've forgotten how, you have the perfect teacher in your child. Let your child guide you through his world of fun. Something he likes will re-ignite that child in you; and then, just go with it.

Plan for fun times together. Put it on the schedule and enjoy the planning and anticipation of a fun family activity. When the time comes, put all of your obligations out of your mind, relax, and have a good time. It helps me to write down my to-do list for afterward to clear my mind.

Take time during the day. If your job allows, take a long lunch once a month and treat your child and yourself to lunch together. If you don't have this kind of flexibility, find ways to let your child know you are thinking about her during the day. You can do lunchbox notes or check in by phone each day.

The key is to find ways to spend fun times together, to laugh and play and reconnect with your child. One of my favorite strategies during extra busy times at work is to schedule the kids in an after-school homework program. When we all get home, we can spend time relaxing together rather than dealing with homework. Find ideas for easy family fun nights that you can plan. But, most of all, just find ways to relax and enjoy spending time with your child on a regular basis. You'll find that feeling of balance in your family life and have fun at the same time.

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